fear

fear, apprehension, anxiety, changes, uncertainty are overflowing in the melting pot that i call "life". for the past 2-3 weeks since my LSAT, i really haven't progressed in working on my law school apps. to be sure, i've become more physically active having gone back to the gym, but in terms of the bigger goal, law school, i've been the king of excuses in putting it off.

mostly, i chalk it up to just procrastinating, plain and simple. but the more i've thought about it (that's my problem; i overthink to the point of not doing anything), it's more than simple procrastinating. i've always believed that you procrastinate when you have no desire to do something and put it off. but in my inability to progress on my personal statements and application essays, it's not due to my lack of desire to do it -- in fact, i want to work on it and get it done asap -- but what is the underlying issue, i feel, is fear.

fear has extreme results. it can push us to do things we never thought we were capable of, it pushes us beyond our limits. but fear can also make us curl up into the fetal position and suck on our thumbs. it's the classic fight-or-flight scenario. in my case, it's the latter - curling into a ball and running away and not confronting the brutally vicious personal statement. in light of my uncertain performance on my LSAT, sudden lack of confidence in my personal statement outlook and anxiety, i have become scared to work on it. questions like "what if i fail?", "what if my LSAT score is not great?", "what if my essay isn't good"... flood my mind and i'm left sitting at my desk like a septic tank of doubt.

for about the first week, it was indeed procrastination that kept me from getting to my personal statement and wrapping up law school applications. but by this point, i had spent enough time away from getting down to business that doubt and fear had already crept inside my head. one insight i've been able to gain is that inactivity/procrastination and fear/anxiety mutually benefit one another. the more you put something off, the fear and anxiety of that thing grows, and the more that grows, the more you put it off. it's a vicious cycle and leaves many casualties. learning this has made me appreciate urgency and intentionality that much more, but, at the end of the day, i still find myself stuck in this conundrum able to talk the talk but unable to walk the walk.

just do it? easier said than done.

Nike

A logo and brand synonymous with one phrase. When you hear "Nike", you think "just do it", and vice-a-versa. Whether Nike conjures up images of Michael Jordan hitting a clutch shot or a generic jogger pushing through that last mile in the pouring rain, there is a common emphasis on perseverance, manning up, and just doing it (for lack of a better qualifier).

I started thinking randomly about this slogan because it could hardly be any more indicative of the lot of us in life. In fact, a more fitting slogan for us these days would be something more like "just wait for someone else to do it" or "just put if off until you HAVE to do it", etc. But it's because of the lack of sense of urgency that you hardly see initiative. This is part of the reason why people are lazy and don't go out of their way to welcome outsiders/newcomers at churches, this is why people don't maximize their academic performances, and ultimately, this is why we don't maximize ourselves for things bigger than ourselves - we're often too lazy and too selfish to "just do it".

I can say all this not just from observing, but from personal experience. The most common excuses are that we're lazy, unsuited, or that eventually, someone else will do it. But that attitude is exactly the reason why all those shortcomings mentioned above occur. Many of us are guilty of thinking that "if I don't do it, someone else will!", and at times it is true because of the very few people that are genuinely initiating and engaging at church, school, etc. But these guys can only cover so much ground, because unfortunately, this sort of lazy thinking is infectious and all of the sudden, not only are you thinking that someone else will do it, but so is everyone else, ending up in this mess we're trying to solve in the first place.

From personal experience, there are a few common threads in the common inability to "just do it", the first being, simply, you don't want to do it. The answer to this is, even though it's cliche and I hate the acronym, WWJD? There's no better example of how to live than Christ. Every word and action were purposeful, punctual and productive. He manned up, suited up, (fill in the blank)ed up and did what He had to do, including nothing short of... I don't know, reconciling the sinful world to God and like, saving the world? But the question I think we all need to take from Christ and wrestle with is that if He, as God, "just did it" for lowly sinful bunches like us, then why can't/shouldn't we "just do it" for one another? Aren't we called to be the salt and light of the earth and also to sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron?

Another reason from experience why people don't "just do it" is because they think "what's the point of doing it if no one notices/acknowledges it" and "it's dirty work anyways". I wrote at length about this in a past blog post (around the middle) but suffice it to say, this was what I struggled with the most often. I struggled very much with doing things without recognition, especially doing menial tasks/manual labor that no one else wanted to do. But again, scripture brought clarity on this issue in Matthew 6:3-4 and 6, when Jesus talks about how to pray, fast, do charity, etc. Yes, not everyone at all times will be aware or even appreciative of the things we're doing but we should take heart that God in heaven sees, acknowledges and rewards us for these things, as mentioned in the referenced verse in Matthew 6.

Finally, the last common excuse is that we're too content and basically, lazy to "just do it". Overcontentment, especially when it's self-centered, leads to increasing blindspots and often, a hard fall back into reality/sin. I think we can all agree on that point. As for laziness, just see what scripture says about it in proverbs ALONE (Proverbs 13:4, 21:25, 19:15, etc).

The alarming trend is that in all these "reasons" for not just doing it - reaching out, taking initiative, taking risks, CONTENDING FOR THE GOSPEL, it all seems to go back to the realization that more often than not, we're too self-centered and just plain apathetic. We're too comfortable in our routines, cliques, etc and too stuck in our preconceptions and pride to "just do it". But we shouldn't be. The gospel isn't complicated, and in fact, it couldn't be any clearer than it already is. The truth is, we have no excuse for ourselves. We're playing around with living/contending/preaching the gospel like it's hot potato and we're just tossing it around hoping someone else will catch and run with it because we're too lazy/scared to. Things need to change.

miles davis and "THE COOL"

the greatest thing and yet, the worst thing, about this transition period in my life has been the free time. the main byproduct of having had so much free time is that it's allowed me to think and reflect on my past experiences. the recurring things i've been thinking about have been "the cool" (my euphemism for popularity), dating/relationship, and the "korean-american" experience as discussed here. unfortunately, there is a lot on my mind, so this will be a rather long post... so bear with me.

for me, popularity was such an issue and concern all the way through high school. it was in college when i finally grew up and kind of realized what really matters. and i feel like it's safe to say that many others did as well. i can't speak for others, but for me, i was able to rise above the materialistic/shallow notions of popularity i've been stifled by through high school by college. ultimately, i realized that the reason why i was so concerned all those years about how many friends and who my friends was because of lack of internal satisfaction. because of my bouts of inferiority complex, i would yearn to befriend the "cooler" people, because of my bouts of superiority complex, i would assume and take advantage of the "fodder" because i thought i was better than them. the roller coaster ups and downs that normally accompanied these experiences was because i strayed from personal comfort and satisfaction (in myself, in God, in family) and yearned for what i couldn't necessarily control (people's perceptions, etc). in college, i feel like i really learned how bigger life is and how little things like prepubescent notions of popularity matter in the big scope of things.

and yet, the unfortunate thing about this are my peers who have yet to critically assess, understand and act on this observation. from my experiences, i've observed and interacted with a variety of people, with their common theme being an inability to detach themselves from this mindless pursuit of "the cool". one of the "types" i've often seen are the ones with inferiority complexes with a glaring and constant need to "compensate" in their feelings of inadequacy by clinging and overemphasizing jobs, particular friends and other materialistic things. the two immediate consequences for these people are that 1) they make a VERY glaring distinction between the things they cling onto and the things they throw away and that 2) lost in all this overcompensation is God. not only is there idolatry in their clinging onto particular people, things, etc, but there is a genuine disruption of fellowship in making a distinction in who to associate themselves with. for me, i can clearly see that they're trying so hard, that there is some kind of void, but most importantly, the biggest concern is what these people are going to do when everyone and everything around them change and move on, but they're still stuck in this mentality. a particular example, whom i'll call Mr. X, fits the bill. Mr. X defined himself in what he wore, the jobs he had, and most importantly, the crowd he hung out with. if certain people were crowned the "it" people, you would be sure to find Mr. X there, clinging. and after a certain amount of time, they would move on to the next "it" group of people, and so on. and unfortunately, from talking to Mr. X and observing closely, he was similarly prone to roller coaster ups-and-downs in personal satisfaction and comfort, and every time i saw Mr. X, the most common thought/concern that i would think would be "I wonder if he's really happy".

on the other end of the spectrum, there are those with the superiority complexes. simply put, these are the types who are just arrogant, vain and baseless in their dispositions. though the major issue is that of lack of humility, this problem ends up having numerous ramifications. first off, with the lack of perspective on salvation, of God, these people wrongly and dangerously inflate themselves to something greater than what they need to remember that they, along with everyone else, are: sinful and wretched. another effect this has is that, like the "inferior" types, they tend to be selective in the people they hang out with, often concerning themselves with others not for genuine fellowship to sharpen one another, but often as just an extension and exercise in strengthening, nurturing and dwelling in their self-sense of superiority. ultimately and unfortunately, these guys often buy into their own hype, and this fact bleeds through.

for those who are close to me, you have probably witnessed me self-deprecating myself in regards to my forever-singlehood and almost-but-not-quite-there/yet experiences with girls numerous times. for context, take the time to watch mark driscoll's sermon on marriage & men here (caution: you might want to wear like 5 cups). i think i have been so accustomed to being envious of other couples, friends dating, etc, but listening to the M&M sermon and others in the past reminded me that we ultimately date to marry. so ironically, the fact that people have dated 10, 20, 50, 100+ times isn't something necessarily to be jealous about, nor is my 0 dating experience something to be ashamed about. furthermore, i've been prone to daydreaming about dating so-and-so, and doing this-and-that, but i've been realizing more and more (and the driscoll sermon has only cemented my thoughts) the gravity of relationships. it's not a light matter, much less something to casually daydream about. i think what has sobered me the most is what mark driscoll said about marriage and relationships, that it is truly fearful thing for a woman to commit her life and all to a man. and on the other side, dating, relationships and marriage is not a light matter when men realize that these aren't just females or girls, but these are daughters of God. period. and in connection to all this, manliness isn't a matter of how buff, how rich, how smelly or whatever one is, but manliness is about personal responsibility. it comes down to taking our burdens, getting some balls, and taking care of ourselves before we even think about marriage.

unfortunately, this thought process hasn't always been my mentality, especially during my days in KCM. and obviously, hindsight is 20-20, but it concerns me that there are probably many guys still in college and KCM, whose mindsets are probably like how mine was in that time. a pastor once joked that KCM stands for "Korean Chicks for Me", but knowing how I thought, how guys think, he wasn't too far off. on the one hand, it is kind of a good thing in that if you were to meet someone, it would ideally be someone from church or a campus ministry. but on the other hand, if meeting someone isn't just a part of the process but ultimately the reason why you come out, then something is wrong and priorities aren't straight. in light of the fact that KCM should be having their annual UR (University Retreat) in a matter of weeks, it's amusing, but at the same time, disconcerting to wonder how many guys are going primarily (or even minutely) because of meeting girls from other campuses. no one's going to probably say that out loud, but it is what is on the minds of many guys, because it was something that was on my mind in years past. if only i knew then what i know now.

in critiquing the korean-american experience (this includes our KA churches, KCMs, etc), it ultimately boils down to pride. pride in feeling superior and not wanting to let others in, and pride in not wanting to put themselves out there and face the possibility of rejection. through my experiences, i have become strongly convinced that we all are VERY aware of what we want to do versus what we should do. if jesus would DIE for associate with us, people of sin and diseases, etc, why shouldn't we do the same? when it matters, how reflective of the gospel is our lives?

in closing, it's funny, but it's not a total coincidence that the particular examples and experiences i've recalled have all occurred within the confines of kcm and church. not that i'm citing an exclusive correlation, but the fact that there is some sort of pattern is disconcerting. i think so often we're so comfortable with status quo and majority rules that we settle and become complacent. but when status quo and majority rules is fear, pride, and an unwillingness to try things and extend oneself for the Gospel, it is inexcusable. it means we are bathing in sin.

The Aftermath...

The only thing I can say with certainty is that I didn't feel like I aced it or breezed through it. Then again, how I felt during the test was never indicative of the score I got during practice exams. Then again, I do have cause for concern in the parts that I screwed up on. If I have any chance of getting the score I need, it'll be solely by GRACE.

Now the waiting game begins..

The Night Before...

4 months, 120 days, 30 practice exams, 1000+ pages of study books... all leading up to tomorrow. After all this time, all the blood, sweat and tears, it's finally test day in about 12 hours. You can probably guess the gamut of emotions I'm feeling: anxiety, excitement, fear, etc. That's part of what makes me crazy, that all the numbers I mentioned at the top have all been for a 6 hour test day, that 4 months of studying is for not even a quarter of a day's worth of testing. And yet, this will determine my upcoming year, and eventually, my course in life.

To be sure, the texts, the encouragements and the prayers that people have offered during this time have been great. In a time and process where I could have really become introverted and isolated myself with a "me-against-the-world" mentality, it's has been a blessing to see people caring about and encouraging me throughout this time.

And yet, there's a myriad of worries. Ultimately, for all the high scores I got on practice exams, the only score that will matter is the one I get tomorrow. By no means have I completely overcome my bad test taking habits. If I don't get my target score, I will most likely have to take another year off to get a better score, and taking another year off could bring anything. There is pressure on all sides. There is the personal pressure I put on myself to do the very best I can. There is the familial pressure to hurry up and get the score to go to law school and get a job. There is the social pressure in that everyone else has finished the process, gotten good scores and getting acceptances while I'm still at ground zero. But spiritual pressure is something I've been struggling with the most.

I think this comes down to the difference between knowing and believing. The reason why I've been praying so often that I wouldn't take the LSAT solely trusting in my knowledge, that I would take this test in faithfulness, is because, intellectually, I understand the gospel, God's providence and yet, at some level in my heart, I have doubt. I can spit out all sorts of rhetoric about how I believe God will provide, but I know that come tomorrow, there will be moments of doubt. And the funny and sort of unfortunate thing is, if I do get a score of my liking, THEN I'd probably be more inclined to mouth off non-stop "God is good! He provides", "I always believed He'd provide", etc. But how come I can't TRULY believe that now? In all this uncertainty? In reference to Hebrews 11:1, any dummy can believe after seeing, but it takes true faith and hope to believe without seeing.

I guess what I've been splitting hairs about is that on the one hand, this test won't matter in the long run, so there's no need to live as though it's the end-all-be-all. That more so than praying that God gives me this or that, that I should be praying for faithfulness in all things, for big picture things. But on the other hand, this test tomorrow does matter, and it's hard for me to find that balance between trusting in my abilities and yet, trusting God would provide.

There's a lot that I know from listening to sermons, taking notes, reading scripture, but there's still so much to understand, and to experience. What does it say about me that I can say I "know" the gospel, and yet, the moment something like the LSAT comes up, my genuine belief wavers and I'm faced with more questions than answers?

At this moment, at least, I don't have the absolute answers to these struggles, but the bible does. These are specific verses that I recalled, in light of the big day tomorrow:

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

I hope that as I pray and meditate on these truths and promises, that I would not only know and understand, but really experience them. And not just tomorrow during my LSAT, but beyond that.

Green Eggs & Ham: K-Pop, Daydreaming & Idolatry

So much for keeping up with posting church sermons every Sabbath. It's never a lack of things to talk about that leads to inactivity, but just plain old laziness. But today/now/recently, there's been an alarming trend in my life that I thought I should address. At first glance, the title may seem random altogether, and it's not hard to think that just as green eggs and ham are rather random, so are the things I list afterwards. But there is a connection, and a scary one at that.

It was only 2 months ago this all started. It wasn't even October yet, it had just been over a month since I came back from Japan, USC football wasn't yet in the toilet and the NBA season had yet to start. In relation to K-Pop, I knew SNSD (Girl's Generation) had too many attractive girls of whom I could only name 2 or 3 out of the 130948309482 members... and that was about the extent of my knowledge of the world of K-Pop. It all started innocently.. I was watching more and more Korean variety shows, I started to follow Korean celebrity news a little more and more, but eventually this snowballed and 2 months later, I'm sitting at my desk caring about the most inane of things ranging from the return of an exiled Jay to 2PM to whatever new outfit/image K-Pop Girl Band A, B & C are popularizing. In short, I know that I share an obsession/habit with that of prepubescent 12-14 year old Korean girls, but I always appealed to the stock excuse that "it's all in harmless/stupid fun".

With this said, the connections to daydreaming should be becoming clearer. Recently, my older sister made a comment that, though the Korean media isn't unique in this, the whole variety/reality show phenomenon in Korea with all the celebrities that is very particular to Korea reminded her of the Jim Carrey movie, The Truman Show. If you haven't seen it (I highly recommend it), the movie is about Jim Carrey's character's life being a reality show which everyone except his character is aware of. One of the points of the movie and my sister's point is that the fad/obsession with the reality/variety shows in Korea creates this nagging addiction where the general population lives vicariously through the celebrities. These reality shows aim to make the audience feel that they are close to the celebrities, or even better, they can relate and be in their shoes. Whether it be a reality show like "We Got Married" or a variety show like "Star Golden Bell" or pretty much any show you can fill in the blank with, they offer an escape from reality and entrance into a world of daydreams.

I can personally attest to all of this. Stupid as it may sound, I was hooked into the hook-ups, scandals, dating news, etc in the celebrity world, mainly because I daydreamed of that being me and because I place these celebrities on a pedestal. It was fun to not think about my drags of reality and every day life (LSAT, law school, studying, etc) and immerse and daydream of a different world. One celebrity liking another, fake scandals to the left and to the right, the drama, etc, it offered an escape but also a seemingly more enticing alternative to my "boring" life. However, a closer inspection of my obsession with this pop culture and the daydreaming that ensued revealed danger.

A friend of mine once told me that daydreaming was dangerous because he thought it was directly related to wanting to escape from reality and desiring and coveting something "better" or something "else", and that this was particularly dangerous as he saw it as a direct dissatisfaction in God. When I remembered this, it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back as I slapped my forehead and wondered what the heck I was doing with my life. The more time consuming this interest became, the more my mind wandered from scripture and satisfaction in the Creator and drifted towards daydreaming and obsessing over creations. At this breaking point where this interest in K-Pop threatened to consume me, I was reminded of the dangers of daydreaming and idolatry. Daydreaming stems from boredom and dissatisfaction in life and strives to fill that void by imagining something ELSE that one covets and desires. Furthermore, this coveting and dissatisfaction leads us to seek comfort and satisfaction in the material things, in storing treasures on Earth, resulting in idolatry.

This post isn't going to be groundbreaking or even, to be blunt, original. But it is a reflective, remindful piece that I think we all need. That we need not store treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but to place and hopes and treasures in God in heaven, where the moth and rust DO NOT destroy and where thieves DO NOT break in and steal. The material fades away, but salvation and the Kingdom do not fade. This past Sabbath, Pastor Edward (our new head pastor) spoke on Genesis 3 and paradise. He mentioned that paradise is not a place, but a relationship. In reference to Genesis and creation, paradise to God wasn't the Garden of Eden, but the relationship with Adam & Eve. And just as He shed the blood of animals to cover them, Christ shed His blood to cover us. It's time to stop being dissatisfied by our shortcomings and instead, rediscover satisfaction in His covering of our shortcomings.

Yeah.

Sunday Sermon [9/27/09] - Pastor Edward Kim

For personal accountability/reminder and just to share with readers of this blog (which will hopefully be a blessing to you all), I've decided to blog/post my sermon notes after church. For background information, our head/senior pastor is stepping down and Pastor Edward, who spoke today, is our leading candidate to become our new head pastor. Here are a few things on his resume which was attached to our jubo (i was very impressed, not that works is important on its own but nevertheless, he has done quite a bit):

• Fuller Seminary - studying for a PhD in Historical Theology
• Princeton Seminary - M. Div Degree
• NYU Law School - JD Degree
• Pomona College - BA in Politics
• Church experience in Ambassadors Presbyterian Church (PCUSA), Good Shepherd Presbyterian Church (PCUSA), and Princeton Korean Community Church (KPCA)
• Worked in IJM

Today's text: Hebrews 12:1-3

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

For the introduction, Pastor Edward opened by making a reference to the highly successful self-improvement book, "Seven Effective Habits of Highly Successful People". From this book, he made a reference in regards to one of many effective habits to live by: the habit to live with the end in mind. With this said, he went into his three major points/questions.

1) WHY live with the end in mind?

By living with the end in mind, the ultimate form would be living with death in mind. By living with death in mind, this allows you to focus on what matters most. An extreme example would be the phone conversations those on the hijacked planes had with their loved ones on 9/11, just before perishing. Living in this way, with death in mind, constantly reveals to us what makes our lives meaningful and helps guide us. A common exercise that puts this into practice is imagining that it's your funeral and writing down what you would want people to say about you in their eulogy. By doing that, you're able to see what you're living for, what your goals are. By living with the end in mind, you are living towards a goal, by seeking and seeing the finish line. With this, he refers to the text by highlighting the call to endure and running and living with perseverance by seeing the end, by fixing our eyes on Jesus.

2) Why don't people begin with the end in mind?

There is the race that the scripture calls us to live by, but Pastor Edward pointed out that many of us do not run the race but rather, the rat race instead. By rat race, he means those wheels in mouse/hamster cages that they run- in-place on. So, why the rat wheel instead? For this point, he brought in external text from "The Denial of Death" by psychologist, Ernest Becker. In this book, Becker theorizes that in order to deny death, we pursue different "immortality projects" that distracts and delude us from death. The projects that distract us are things such as drugs, entertainment, and various addictions that help us escape from the harsh realities of life. Then there are the projects that delude us into thinking that everything is alright. So in the end, through these "immortality projects", people all cheat, lie, and hide in one way or the other to avoid the fact we are all manure. We pursue the rat race rather than THE RACE because we don't want to face reality and have our fears confirmed that indeed, we are worthless.

2.5) Fundamental Tension?

This comes from the fact that in living with the end in mind, death reveals to us what is precious, and yet threatens us by revealing to us our inequities, fickleness and worthlessness, this all presented throughout the first two points/questions. How then, does one resolve this tension? And even if death reveals what is precious, it's not automatic that the byproduct of this is a greater cherishing for God.

3) So, how to begin with God and the end in mind?

The scripture text has a parallel structure referring to not only our own, but Jesus' race as well. And from the text, it follows we endure as He endured. The term "author and perfector", in Greek, translates to mean a first place finish in a race. At this point, Pastor Edward brings up a personal example of how when his father found out his potentially fatal heart condition, he did not tell Pastor Edward, because in his FATHER'S living and approaching that end/death, what he saw as precious and joy was his son, Pastor Edward, along with his marriage, which had just occurred, and thus he did not tell anyone about his health condition. When Pastor Edward found out about this, instead of running away, he was drawn towards and took greater joy in loving and caring for his father. So, in context of the scripture text, we were the joy/end/goal/finish line that was set before Christ that HE takes great joy and pride in (Phil 4:1, Zep 3:17). We were the end He had in mind on the cross. So, as He thought of US in His death and crucifixion, (referring back to question/point 1) this shows that we were revealed to be most important and precious to Him. Just as Pastor Edward could not help but take greater joy and care in his father, we should realize that as the joy we are in Christ, we shouldn't help but take joy in Him more. The rat races of this world are nothing compared to the ONLY race we are called to strive after. Why seek after that true love when the one and first true love has already said YES first? The way to escape depression is not avoidance but rather focusing on the single death that shows Christ's joy and care for us. Indeed, if we are bored, depressed or paranoid, we are looking at the wrong finish line. We need to strive after the finish line, the end, the goal that is Christ. This change begins by realizing that Jesus began and died with us in mind and that we should take and live in joy in Him because of this.

the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated..

this blog is not dead. i've just been really busy and lazy. when life moves forward and there is no pause button, things tend to prioritize themselves out accordingly. but at the same time, i enjoy blogging so i don't know why i haven't done much of it lately. and frankly, with being unemployed and taking a year off, i should have time for this. and with everyone moving on in life, it makes more sense that at the very least, we'll keep in touch via technology. but yes, hopefully i can blog regularly again and about more than just the mundaneness that is law school application/studying.

but anyways, here is the most recent update on my life. yes, i am taking the year off and home, but i've been in law school beast mode throughout the last 2-3 weeks. i've gotten a good chunk of all the apps and what not out of the way (ie: the tedious stuff) but i still got the personal statement, optional essays, my LSAT (dec 5) and financial aid stuff to take care of. hopefully once the fee waiver goes through, that will give me the green light to send in all 20+ of my applications. yes, you read that right.

i do have my different worries about these different tasks that await me. for the personal statement, i feel so awkward and at an impasse essentially having to boast and "market" myself. obviously i can't write everything in that limit so every word, every character counts. never has an essay been this simple but so... scary? as for my LSATs, i'm banking it on just this december's exam date.. because this is the only test i'm taking on time, and it is the last exam date that the elite schools accept, my chances for enrolling for fall '10 rides on this one shot.. otherwise i'll be looking at another year off and who knows what that will bring.

this is pretty much what consumes my free time, and it would consume my life if it wasn't for proverbs 19:21 (look it up!). it gives me perspective. it gives me peace. it quiets my worries and comforts me.

my japan 2k9 testimony

since some of you have been asking and it's efficient, here is my testimony i wrote/read for kcm and church about my missions trip.

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Japan Testimony

This past summer, God gave me the privilege of going out to Japan. This was actually my second time going out with KCM, having gone to Uganda in 2007. Looking back on my experiences, it was easy going out the first time; I had never been on missions before. But going back out a second time was more difficult; I constantly asked myself, “why am I going out again?” After much thinking and praying, I asked God to give me vision through this summer mission experience.

While in Japan, we stayed at a church in Osaka known as Jesus House, or J-House for short. While at J-House, we had a pretty consistent weekly ministry. The bulk of it was going to the various Funky Clubs that J-House planted at Kansai, Hondai, Gaidai and Kangaku Universities, making friends and inviting them to our weekly English lessons and J-House Funky Parties. These interactions focused on building relations through friendship evangelism and slowly opening them up to the gospel message. We also spent two Mondays doing homeless ministry at Kyuurei Church, doing presentation ministry and handing out bread to the hungry congregation. We also had side events like VBS, Drama Nights and a trip to the Aquarium where we got to meet and make more friends. Finally, throughout the month, we were involved in J-House’s daily morning prayer, weekly prayer meetings, Sunday services and various other ministries ranging from Korean Bible Study to Gospel Choir.

Throughout my month in Japan, my biggest struggles were pride and complacency. Pride was an issue for me in that I came into the trip as a graduating senior and a KCM missions multi-timer, and thus I felt that I was “wiser” and “better suited” than others on my team. Furthermore, I became blind to my own shortcomings, and because I judged my teammates and lost perspective, it hindered me from doing genuine and effective ministry. Complacency was an issue for me because of the comforts of a modern nation like Japan. Because of these amenities (AC, internet, showers, etc), I became physically complacent, which eventually caused me to become spiritually complacent. Because of this, I treated this trip more like vacation rather than missions, and as a result, I ended up becoming a bad witness to all the support from those back home as well from Christ’s sacrifice, which enabled me to be on this trip in the first place. It was then when God convicted me with Romans 3:10 (There is no one righteous, not even one), and this reminded me of the cost of ministry, and that it was only by His blood and grace that I was even there. Through this verse, God revealed to me the depths of my sinfulness, and although I struggled mightily, I realized it was for the perfecting of my faith and for God’s strength to be glorified in my weakness and brokenness.

Although there were dark days such as these, God’s goodness easily penetrated and overpowered these times. Heading into Japan, I knew it was less than 1% Christian. But nevertheless, Christ’s prayer for more workers for the plentiful harvest in Matthew 9:37 and His heart for the one lost sheep in Matthew 18:12-4 inspired me to live likewise during my month in Japan. Because of this and Christ’s provisions, I entered this trip excited rather than daunted by Christianity’s minority status in Japan. All throughout the month, God was always with us, working through us and for us in all circumstances. For me, my biggest blessing in this area was when my team and I went to Osaka Castle during the last week of the trip to fast and go on a prayer walk. My leader, Pastor Edwin, had given each of us 30 minutes of devotional/journal time, and it was maybe 5 minutes into it when an older gentleman by the name of Saito-san approached me. As he handed me a bookmark that he painted, a church flier he had received fell out, and just like that, God opened up this opportunity for me to share the gospel message. As I was sharing the gospel with Saito-san, I know it wasn’t me, but rather God talking through me and planting a seed of faith in Saito-san. Even after the prayer walk, God continued to work and nurture the seed, and as a result, Saito-san not only came to J-House that very day for a pizza party, but for the very last Funky Party before our team returned home. And I just found out that as of this Sunday, he actually attended his first Sunday service at J-House and joined a small group there.

Just as God blessed me through the lost, He equally blessed me through my brothers and sisters in Christ at J-House. First, the passion and genuine faith of each believer was amazing. Their faith truly reflected Jeremiah 9:23-4 (Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom, or the strong man boast of his strength, or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord, who exercise kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight). It was an inspiration to see their faith so singularly focusing on and boasting about the Cross, in a country full of darkness and distractions. Next, the fellowship I witnessed at J-House was truly God centered and selfless. Just like Proverbs 27:17, each member genuinely sharpened and built one another up just as iron sharpens iron. I would often see many of them having informal accountability meetings, bible studies and times of prayers all throughout the days and weeks. Furthermore, the people I would see on Sunday services would be the same people I’d see on Wednesday nights for prayer meetings, Friday nights for Funky Parties, and throughout the week to practice for gospel choir, to cook and other things. Bearing witness to each individual’s faith as well as the group’s love for one another has inspired me to bring that passion back home.

In going to Japan, I asked God for vision. God did not disappoint as He dramatically increased my love for Japan, its culture, people and churches. And this not because of my love being any worthy, but all because of Christ’s love for us that came first. Because of all these reasons, combined with my comfort with the language, I have grown to see Japan as a home away from home. In fact, as I am sharing this, I am praying and deciding whether I should continue with applying to law school for the upcoming year, or take another year off and return to J-House. But that’s another bridge to be crossed at another time. Whatever happens in the end, though, I can truly believe Proverbs 19:21 for the first time in my life, that, though many are the plans and hopes in my heart, it is, shall be, and I want it to be the Lord’s purpose that prevails. So praise be to God, for it is not my will, but His will being glorified and carried out in my life. Thank you!

a quick thought

over the past few weeks, i've just been revisiting old memories and experiences from past relationships/pursuits and what that "soul searching" has resulted in is a curious question: what makes him/her the "one" over any other person? i mean, God's sovereignty aside (He will provide, of course), i feel that it's all a matter of effort and right timing. with the right time and right place, and just enough effort, anyone can be anyone's "one".. which would sour the idealistic image we hold about that "one" because of the fact that anyone can be that "one"... this nihilistic/existentialist thought should be liberating, but it actually depresses me haha.

other than that, i'm just waiting as we leave for missions to japan. i'll have my computer so this blog will probably be updated every now and then, if ever.

- brian

a short review of this week...

the highlights of my week were probably also its lowlights:

1) After putting them on the spot and refusing to fall into their scam, the "students" who were trying to sell me magazines (aka scamming) for their "scholarship" (aka shady business) called me "full of sh*t" in my face, which is ironic, given that, if anything, I should have been the one saying that to them. I concluded the conversation by yelling "God Bless!" across the courtyard, so I'd like to think I ended the conversation on a good note.

2) About an hour prior to me writing this, I got pulled over, and basically, I got my first ticket of my driving career, which, as of this moment, has been 6 years long. They called it an "unsafe lane change". No problem with getting a ticket because I did screw up, but basically I'm still going to have to pay at least $100 (money which I had intended to save for missions) and probably go to traffic school (time I could have spent sleeping or doing something else).

I guess in times like these, it would be easy to not praise God and be bitter. And frankly, I'm inclined to be that way, but in light of this past Resurrection Sunday, what's $100 dollars, a few hours in traffic school, and a passing expletive in my face compared to what He suffered? Perspective: it does a body good.

A Very Brief Update

Japan 2K9.

random musings pt 2

in an effort to maintain sanity for whoever reads this, as well as out of my current laziness, i'll quickly (bullet point style) mention a variety of topics that have been on my mind lately..

- is it just me, or do any of you guys deal with the pride issue of being the first (either in general or in a specific group)? like when i'm the first to find a show (in my case shows like chuck, himym), or a movie (random/great korean movies), or a book (watchmen), or a band (too many to list), or, or a restaurant (kogi taco truck), it'll kill me when i tell people about it, and don't get the credit. but if i go the other way and don't tell people about it, they'll find out eventually, and that'll probably annoy me too. a similar "peeve" i guess, is when i know for a fact when i've told someone a fact, and they come back like a few days or even a week or two later, mention the fact offhand, and completely forget the source.

- i've realized more and more the paradoxical nature of my sociableness. in public, i'm pretty extroverted, cracking jokes, talking with people, having a good time, etc. however, i've realized that in private, or when i'm alone or back home or at my apartment, i'm completely the opposite. for me, i enjoy being alone. it gives me the comfort of not having to deal with anyone/anything, and just being left alone to think, read, listen to music, watch movies, etc on my own. it's extremely refreshing. in fact, whereas many people i know like hanging out, i would be just as good spending a friday night alone, watching movies/shows and chilling on my computer. i'm sure there are some technical psychological mumbo jumbo that would define my situation, but yeah, that's just how i feel. to wrap this thought up, what's really weird is that i can't remember the last time i felt lonely.

- it's official. natasha bedingfield's "pocketful of sunshine" is the most annoying song i've ever heard. i don't know what it is, the fact that i hear/see it everywhere like the casino commercial, the annoying melody, the annoying vocals, the annoying lyrics, or the annoying composition. if i were to choose between listening to this or beyonce/sasha vujacic fierce's "single ladies", i'd break a thermometer, drain the mercury into my ear canal, pop an arsenic pill and jump off a burning bridge on fire into a lake of hornets.

- it bugs me whenever i'm in a group/social setting in which i'm talking to people, and i'll notice one person in that setting/group whispering something to the person next to them. it's minorly related to a sense of uneasiness that they may be talking about me, but the major thing that bugs me is that it's not a very edifying habit. it's like, what can't you share out loud that you have to tell in secret? it always comes off to me as secretive, deceptive and even slanderous. readers -- correct me if i'm wrong.

- on the subject of peeves, i've come to realize i highly dislike naps. i don't like taking them myself, and i get annoyed when i see people taking them during the middle of the day. for me, i feel like it's such a waste of time, and that the 2-3 hours you spend sleeping could be WAY BETTER spent on something more fruitful. i just feel like some people sleep their days away and let them go to waste.

- thrice is already writing their new stuff, and rumor is that they maybe ready to record stuff earlier than expected. at the very least, they're probably going to have at least a song or two ready for bamboozle.

- and what's with the new craze of twitter? thrice started using twitter to give in-studio updates through it, and kogi taco truck started using it too. and all i'm aware that it does is give you moment by moment updates. are people today really that impatient? can't we just stick with using a date-by-date calendar?

- i would really like to expand on this later, but it's just so weird (but natural at the same time) how the bulk of our social interactions, especially at church or KCM, occur through insulting/making fun of one another, especially when it comes to relations with the opposite sex. i don't know if it's a korean-american phenomenon, and the fact that my bringing it up is so weird shows the extent to which this kind of interactions has seamlessly become a part of our natural behavior, so to speak. (wow, i kind of sounded like freud). i know personally i mean well, and most of the time, so does the other person, but is it really edifying and a pleasing fellowship when we get down to it?

- so there was a three-person shooting on adams, a block over from where i live. i realized i've been living at USC too long when i noticed that the fact that i would be locked out of city park for 2+ hours by the LAPD disturbed me more than the fact that there was a gunman on the loose that apparently shot up 3 people (whose statuses i still don't know) all a mere block or so away from my apartment complex. has USC and the endless DPS notification emails made me calloused? i just hope this callousness doesn't lull me into complacency that could lead me to being unprepared in the face of possible robbing/mugging/etc in the future.



- BH

Revelation Through Sin

It's funny how much I've been feeling/hearing/experiencing the duality of our faith. At Chapel last Sunday, Pastor Arnold spoke on the tension between the age of promise and the age of fulfillment, and that we are to focus not so much on what we DO, but what Christ has DONE, and that through that, we are dead to sin and alive in God through Christ. This past Thursday, Pastor Mike spoke on the realities of evangelism, that fear of God was not only the beginning of wisdom, but fear of God, along with the reality of hell, is what (should) inspire us to go out and spread the gospel. And I realized in these two very different messages, you can't have one without the other. Without understanding and having the fear of God, the reality of hell, we can't understand what Christ has done for us. I think in this sort of dichotomy, I realized that so many of us are prone to lean one way or the other.. and that's dangerous. I think when we focus too much on the salvation that Christ has assured for us, we become complacent and take grace for granted. On the other hand, when we focus too much on our damnation and the reality of hell, I think we tend to become debbie-downer, and our "beating up" of ourselves tend to become bigger than God's love for us. Sometimes, it's no wonder that we so often go through spiritual/emotional rollercoasters.

But yeah, kind of on the same subject, but also relating back to the title of this post, I've been seeing more clearly, the duality of sin. On the one hand, it breaks our heart, it beats us down, and in general, it hurts. And I think this is where we can fall into the pitfalls of beating ourselves up. But on the other hand, it reveals. I don't know... maybe I'm being so obvious. But I'm not just talking about obvious sins where it comes from a sinful habit that you KNOW you have, but I'm just talking about instances in which, until it's been revealed by God, you never knew you stunk of that specific sin. Not that I'm saying it's good to sin, so that God can give us more revelations through them, but rather, we can either be crushed under the weight of sin, or we can be encouraged and pulled heavenward by the weight of glory.

So I had an incident today. Something that I always took pride in (perhaps too much) was the fact that I "rubbed the wrong way"/bothered/irked/annoyed the least amount of people. Not to the extent of being a people-pleaser, but just to the extent of having a very even-keel, steady, God-centered personality/disposition. Not that I'm saying I'm not problem-free: in fact, I definitely do have a variety of shortcomings and skeletons in the closets like everybody else. But in general, this was the conception I had of myself, and an ideal I tried living up to. Unfortunately, and frankly, while I've been a generally even-keel, if not a goofy/offbeat/lovable, guy, I feel rather than being burdened/plagued by numerous weaknesses and sins, I've had trouble dealing with one MAJOR weakness: anger.

I don't know what it is. I think I'm pretty patient, not judgmental, forgiving and truthful, but anger is by far my worst problem. And it's not that I'm constantly displaying a certain level of anger, but that I'll have a rare burst/explosion of anger instead. Moreover, I think this anger rears its ugly head when it comes to sports. Not necessarily PLAYING sports (because I'm like out of shape), but discussing/arguing sports. For the most part, most sports arguments/discussions are leisurely and informal in nature, but a few times, they've definitely been heated and tense. And I realized that in this situation, arguing/discussing sports, it combines like my biggest weaknesses: anger/passion and sports. I think when I get heated in arguing something that I have so much passion about, sports, is tantamount to tossing a lighter into a gasoline tank. But I think another dimension of that problem for me is probably pride. I think the times when it's gotten really bad was rooted in the fact that I felt the compulsion to "prove them wrong". Maybe in all this, God's trying to show me that sports has become an idol to me... Maybe He's trying to show me that the fact my biggest weakness, anger, mainly rears its ugly head when it comes to sports, is a cause for concern.

Another random thought was, even though I went out before, the fact that I've been vulnerable to the pitfalls that plagued me my first time out on STSM is too a concern. Rather than trying to clear my head, pray for GOD's mission and pray for GOD's glory, and for GOD's heart, I've been twiddling my thumbs and daydreaming about who my team leader is, who my teammates are, and even what country I'm going to. Please pray for me for ALL these things.

- BH

day 1

so today i started my daily routine of morning prayer followed by gym followed by work/class followed by gym again. right now, i just finished going to the gym after morning prayer, and decided to start bench pressing. let's just say i can't even lift my hands in the air because bench pressing owned my muscles. but yeah, this routine should be really good for the BODY and the SOUL. waking up earlier means i can have more time to do stuff, be organized and just in general be more proactive with my days. also, waking up and reading/praying for morning prayer will be a nice breakfast for the soul on top of my normal bible plan that i follow in the afternoon and before i go to sleep. as for the body, i've decided to lift and play bball/racketball mainly in the morning workouts, and to work on abs/legs/booty and run/cardio in my afternoon workouts. we'll see how tired i am at the end of the day. but yeah, doing all this will hopefully tire me out early so i can sleep early, wake up refreshed to start the routine again.

i'm really loving what i'm doing at the moment right now. at this moment, i've got the fan on cooling me off with a nice breeze, the window blinds are down but the glow of the sunlight that's shining through is nicely illuminating the room, i'm reading the pursuit of the holiness, i'm eating awesome sweet plums (my favorite fruit by the way) and listening to clazziquai (just finished listening to "dance", now i'm listening to "speechless"). i feel pretty content.

oh yeah, i guess it's been official for a while, but STSM2k9 has officially started. pretty excited to see what He's got planned this summer. let's pray that God's glory will be made known. oh yeah, please pray for me too.

ps - when did kelly clarkson get so fat by the way?

- BH

march madness

I just realized how big of a month March is going to be for me...

- Restarting my workout plan
- Hoping to attend all the morning prayers from here on out and going to the gym right after
- Meeting up with people and having one-on-ones that I've put off
- STSM Apps being due (today)
- First training/Super Saturday on the 21st
- Lent (I do have a few undisclosed things that I have given up)
- KCM Shoebox Dinner and/or Alumni Night
- SPRING BREAK!
- March Madness/NCAA Tournament
- MLB season starting
- NBA season winding down and Andrew Bynum's return!
- Deciding on whether or not I'm going to take the June LSATs

And these are just a list of things off the top of my head. There are probably a couple of big things I'm missing that should be on the list. I feel like this month will be packed, exciting, but go by quickly. What's crazy is that after this month, we only have one more full month left before graduation, senior banquet, etc. Our time is almost over.

multiplicity

in an effort to 'streamline the efficiency' of my posts, i'm attempting to blog more often, in shorter "bursts". if i make it a habit, i'll probably end up posting a lot, which wouldn't be such a bad thing, since i'm all talk and no walk. haha.

I've come to realize two things about myself/the name Brian. First is that it's probably one of the most common names. In my high school japanese class, there were four Brians (two white guys, and two asian guys), including myself. And in KCM, there are four Bri(y)ans (myself, BK, Bai, and Frosh Brian), as well as Bryant! The second thing I realized about myself is that, I've slowly, but surely, become the least popular Brian in KCM. In a strange way, things have always been this way. I think this situation was best epitomized by what occurred last night at UCLA/USC Night: We were walking around campus in our various "tribes" or game groups, and I guess Joohee was in the group that we just walked past. Because I was kind of trailing the rest of the group, I thought she was calling for me, since I heard someone faintly calling out "Brian". As I turned around and walked towards her, I began to hear clearly and correctly just who she was calling for: Bryan Bai. It was only when I started walking closer when she changed courses and abruptly squeezed in a greeting for me.

But yeah. Just for context -- My freshman year, our president was Bryan Kim. Now, imagine an awkward/new freshman (me), walking into KCM not knowing everyone, sharing the same name as the president. At first, I thought everyone was being really welcoming and doing a great job of remembering my name -- in fact, I got whiplash from turning my head back and forth to look at all the people calling for my name. This excitement quickly soured as I realized that each and every time, they were ALL calling for President Bryan. Because of that, I actually developed a habit of not responding to my name; a habit that persists to this very day. It wasn't anything that was depressing or hard to live with, but it was just a minor annoyance, knowing that I was very rarely the Brian people were looking/calling for. But yeah, as it stands, Bryan was a senior that year, so the year's worth of confusion and annoyances came to an end... or so I thought. The next 2+ years, I obviously grew a lot, found a niche for myself, but underratedly and importantly, I finally escaped the shadow of Bryan and became the only Brian in KCM. But in the last 1.5 years or so, along came the other 3 Bri/yans mentioned earlier. Now, they're all awesome guys, I love them, and they represent the name well, but this year feels just like freshman year again. It's just especially funny/sobering because even though I'm a senior and have been here longer, my apparent anonymity in KCM strikes me as funny and, to be frank, even a little unexpected. If I am the least popular Brian among the guys, I'm an even less popular Brian among the ladies. I'm not the most popular, best looking, etc, out of the Brians. The only "most" or "-est" I am, is being the oldest... Yeah. I don't know why I'm writing about it, but the fact that I am probably means, as much as I don't like to admit it, that it's something that I do care about and am bothered by. I definitely wouldn't say I'm jealous as much as I am just perplexed or strangely amused by the situation in which I find myself. Maybe, in my own self-deprecating nature, I tend to block out the cries of "Brian" that are meant for me, and instead, focus on the 75% of the other cries for "Brian" that are meant for the other Brians. But then again, this is assuming that all 4 of us garner equal attention and "hollers"... which, even objectively speaking, is highly doubtful.

Another topic I want to write about is living situations/housing/etc, in light of the USG elections and especially in light of the lotteries having taken place and new apartments having been formed. The first thing is that, it's so funny, and yet so familiar, watching all the kiddos going through drama, stress and the ups and downs of finding roommates and trying to find a place to live in the upcoming year. At my current vantage point, as a graduating senior, it's so easy for me to detach myself and not concern myself with it, but I cannot help but recall my own emotional rollercoaster just 2-3 years back. In fact, much to most of your guy's knowledge, there was a very REAL chance that I might have lived with someone else rather than my current roommates starting sophomore year. I had become very good friends with some of the guys in my Writing 140 class (William Arce & Friends), and two of them were rooming together and they asked if I wanted to live with them. At the same time, I think my current roommates, Albert, Daniel and Justin, were leaning towards living in a 4 person/2 room apartment, meaning it came down to either myself or Daniel's old roommate, Andre. Having had that option of living with my 140 friends, especially in the face of an uncertain situation that I just described, I gave heavy thought to joining my 140 friends. Obviously, that wasn't the case, and my roommates and I decided to live in a 5 person Troy East (thus accommadating both myself AND Andre), and obviously the rest was history. But still, I can't help but think back to what would have been, had I gone the other path. Would I have even stayed in KCM? Would I have even become a Polisci major? Who would I be at this point had I lived with my 140 friends instead?

Another thing I think about, in lieu of the hustle and bustle of housing time, lease signing, USC housing lottery, etc, is the drama/emotions that are entailed the process, especially when it comes to finding/replacing roommates. There are a variety of ways roommates come together to form an apartment... There is the roommates-by-necessity situation (when you have no one else to live with and thus live with ANYONE that you know, or even worse, live with RANDOMs that you find somehow), there is the roommates-by-fate situation (this is the most ideal situation in which all 4-5 members mutually agree and come together with the least amount of controversy/shadiness/etc, as though their coming together was destined by fate), but the one way that is most disconcerting is the roommates-by-addition-by-subtraction. This occurs in some sort of combination of an apartment's arrangement retaining most of its core members, but replacing one (because either they're not in the good graces of the rest of the apartment anymore, or because the apartment has an even more attractive replacement for that member). Either way you put it, there is rejection. There is nothing wrong with not feeling someone as a roommate, or even mutually agreeing/thinking that it's better to part ways. In fact, there definitely are situations when lifestyle/philosophical/genuine conflicts would be better resolved in parting than staying together. What is wrong, unedifying and ultimately, least glorifying to God, is when methods of scheming, judging and general shadiness are involved in this process. Whether it is twisting words, being duplicitous, or even getting other people involved, it's just not a healthy thing to see anywhere. I would also hope that for many of us fellow brothers and sisters, that second chances would be something that would be plentiful. There is no such thing as a perfect roommate, and for one roommate to cast judgment on another as "unworthy" or "incompatible" would be hypocritical and even strange, when considering THEIR OWN shortcomings and faults as a roommate. I would only hope that current, as well as future, roommates can live according to the following exhortations from scripture:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with the compassion, kindness, humility, gentelness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)

Yeah. This seems about the right place to end this post. Hope it was an easier/shorter/more organized read this time for all of you.

PS -- I wanted to mention that I dislike all baby videos. I find them boring and unfunny... the 'Charlie Bit Me' and the 'Dentist Kid' video don't make me laugh. Yeah.

- BH

naivete

I've been putting thought into my recent entries, but it seems to me that I may be putting too much thought, if anything. I would like to post couple of times a week, but it seems that I've rounded into a habit of posting once a week or so, and posting very large entries, at that. It's not as big a deal for me, since I write just to write, but I'm hoping that these large entries aren't too daunting for anyone that happens to read my blog. But yeah, on to my thoughts on various things..

Drinking.
Despite having been 21 for over 6 months, I still can't say I have too much experience with it. Though to be honest, and to preface this "rant" with a disclaimer, lest I be labeled a hypocrite, I have had a few experiences of what I rant about, so this isn't meant to be a blind judgment. But other than that, in short, I'll mainly enjoy the occasional brew with a meal or chilling on my couch and drinking while watching sports games. I guess socially speaking, drinking/partying isn't my scene/cup of tea. I was just reflecting on my experiences over the last 4-6 years and noticed how naive I used to be about things. I remember back in high school at Troy, I, as well as many of my peers, were so consumed in studying and the world of IB/Honors/AP classes that the energy drinks or pills were the only "offhand" things I would even think that any of us would consume. Of course, much to my surprise and shock, I found out that through the latter years of high school, a lot of my peers and friends partied, drank, smoke (illegal and legal substances), etc. Having been consumed by nothing but studying, grades, college apps, SATs, etc, something as off handed as this never even crossed my mind. It was such a surprise finding out people I knew engaged in these activities that it was almost tantamount to my finding out that they went to jail or did highly illegal drugs. For me, back then, I felt like finding out about this fundamentally changed everything -- did I really know who these people were? Why are they doing these things? Why am I not doing these things? In short, I was very naive.. and through high school, and entering into college, I had a very dismissive and I guess even righteous view against drinking. I just thought, and still do think, it's just weird and obviously illegal for those not of age to be drinking. I mean, obviously my stances have changed somewhat. Where I once was naive and stubborn on this concept, now I've grown to not be surprised by anything. But still, I worry about the fact that so many kids come out of high school/into college with the mindset, "I need to go crazy and breakaway from everything that defined my life up to this point" or use college as a blank check in dive into various debaucheries. I'm not going to say that people do or don't have genuine fun with it, but I just question the very basis/foundation of why people drink, regardless of place, time and their age. Maybe the drinking issue is a lot like downloading music. Yes, it's illegal, but it's widespread, the thing to do, and there's a very easy access to it. I wouldn't know. I guess another "grievance" I have about drinking is that, most people would justify their decision in engaging in the party/drinking scene despite being underaged or not as "I don't care what people think.. I'll do what I want where I want". Now that's fine and dandy, and I'm not going to try to parent anyone, but if you're saying these things, or at least living in a way that reflects these views, why are so many of you so hesitant in discussing this side of your life? Whether it be avoiding "incriminating" photos or untagging on facebook, there's a funny paradox at work here. I guess maybe it comes down to all our sinfulness and deception, in walking into different places with a different "identity/image/face". Like who we are at these parties or when we drink probably wouldn't be who we are when we go to KCM or church. I guess my biggest deal is, if you engage in these activities, be proud and real about it. Don't come to me or KCM or church evasive and in denial about the fact that you go out to clubs, parties, etc. Don't put on a facade; you're only selling short yourself, church/KCM people, your party/drinking friends, and most importantly, God. I guess for me, the reason why I don't identify myself with that scene is that, maybe it is "fun". But the culture of repetitive "hooking up", "dressing up", "getting trashed" and setting that cycle on repeat would seem to be something that would become empty/hollow over time. It's just weird. When I see pictures of people that I either, didn't know did these things, or wouldn't expect (whether due to being underaged, etc) to do these things, I'm not sure how to react. Do I cheer for them and exclaim, "Hallelujah! She got trashed!" or do I look on them with disappointment? I don't know. For me there are plenty of ways to have fun and enjoy company, but drinking/partying wouldn't rank up there for me that often... especially if I were not of age.

Technology, The Youth, etc.
Technology and its relation to society these days have both become a little disconcerting to me in two ways through recent days, weeks, months, etc. The first way is the fact that we have become increasingly dependent on technology. It was only two years ago when touch screens were completely unheard of, and now any phone major phone company offers touch phones. It was not even just 5-6 years ago where all you could do on cellphones, other than making calls, was playing snake. Now people use phones to send videos, send pictures, get directions, surf the internet, play music, store music, play all sorts of games, watch TV, the list goes on. Same thing with cars. Cars these days have keyless ignitions, GPS is standard, and a lot of them come with auxilary inputs or port cables as standard parts, FULLY assuming that EVERYONE has ipods or some sort of mp3 players. I think RX Bandits put it best in their song, "Analog Boy", when they sing in the chorus (I encourage you to at least youtube them and hear the song yourself):

Analog boy, in a digital world
Don't be so digital
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio
And we're so helpless to our technology
Well I don't wanna be controlled by machines
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio

The second way the rise of technology has been disconcerting to me relates to the youth of America. At Sunday School at church, and just with young kids at large, I'm flabbergasted to see how many of them have personal computers and cell phones. To put this into perspective, I got my first non-handmedown cellphone just two years ago, and I got my first laptop just a year ago. It just surprises me to see kids who are like 8 or 9 already texting, using phones, technology like it's nothing. One of the 4th grade girls at my sunday school has a freaking iPhone. It just seems technology keeps taking over and over, and I wouldn't be surprised if babies started being born with a cellphone for their left hand and a digital camera as their right hand. But yeah, it just seems that these things start happening at earlier ages. Technology isn't alone. From what I've heard through the grapevine and, surprisingly, through the kids at sunday school and from the news, that elementary/jr high kids are getting more physically intimate in their "relationships" these days, and apparently there is this new phenomenon where these kids take explicit pictures of themselves with their cellphone cameras and text it to their significant other. Another concern is that kids these days of that age are starting to declare their homosexuality or sexual beliefs when their ages haven't even reached double digits. And finally, an even bigger concern is that, as much as I was bothered by my friends and peers drinking in high school and even now underaged, it's more disconcerting to find that kids in junior high and elementary school are engaging in these acts of partying, drinking, smoking, etc. I can't help but just be speechless. I don't think we can even blame these kids; but rather, I would want to know, who in the blue hell allows these kids access to alcohol, cigarettes, etc? Are they negligent parents who just don't think twice about where they're leaving alcohol, cigarettes, etc, around the house not knowing what their kids are REALLY up to? Or even worse, are they some idiot citizen who, knowing they shouldn't, buys these things for them at the local liquor shop? Or even worse than that, does access to these things come from delusional and moronic 21+ year olds who think they're cool and awesome by catering these things illegally to kids young enough to be their little siblings? I even shudder to think, maybe one of these "adults" think that the only way to get "lucky" with one of these pre-teens/elementary kids is to buy them alcohol and get them drunk. I honestly shudder to think what this world, and the next generation of kids will be like in 5-10 years from now.

The Professional Camera/Macbook/Blackberry Trends.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't me trying to blast this trend just for the sake of me being "different". If anything, I detest people that do that baselessly and for no reason. Rather, it's just me trying to think about and contemplate the hype and comment on the trends that I see these days.
1) The camera trend: In the last 2-3 years, I've probably witnessed the exponential growth in the trend of these Nikon or whathaveyou "professional" cameras. I guess that's what I find funny about trends. One person starts it, and couple more follow maybe because they find this trend interesting, and the rest of the masses will only follow because everyone else seems to be following the trend. But yeah, back to the point -- I've probably seen the trend grow from 1 person to about at least 20. Now granted, within the large scheme of things, that's not "EVERYONE", but it's especially significant within the framework of KCM. Back 3+ years ago, I think there was probably one or two "camera dudes" in all the KCMs. Not too long after that, not more than, say, half a year or year after that, the trend grew to a point where each KCM campus had its token/designated photographer. At this point, it was pretty cool, but this trend just blew up to a point where it's just kind of funny. Now at KCM locally, and at Chapel/Joint-KCM events, it's just ridiculously funny to see this trend having grown so much to the point that each KCM campus has at least 4-5 "camera dudes". I know nothing about the technology/expertise behind the phototaking or the machinery, so I can't criticize, but I wonder how many of all these "photographers" would be considered amateurish/in it for the trend, and how many are in it for the right reasons and are actually talented. I mean, I would hope that many would be in the latter group, because these cameras are expensive.
2) The Macbook trend: I'm not going to outline and complete the Mac vs. PC debate for all time. I've worked long enough at the computer store and have used both enough to know that it's a pointless debate. What I do want to comment about is how it seems that a lot of people who do switch over seems to be swayed over on one facet -- the user-friendliness. I hear so many students, etc, wanting to switch over mainly because of the video chatting/photobooth. Probably only 20-30% of the time do I hear genuine concern or interest about the hardware of the computers.. and it's a little bothering to see people switch over merely because "it's the in thing" or "macs are cuter!". I mean, people forget that Macs are great domestically, but PC still rules internationally (though Apple is improving in that area). It's really funny how so many people have Macs. I think just the other day in Albert's room when we were setting up his birthday present, an HP monitor, it was pointed out how just me and Albert were still PC users, and how the rest, Calvin, Steven, Jon, Justin, etc, were all Mac users. I don't know. I guess it bothers me when people are caught up in trends to the point that they don't even think for themselves, and use the popularity of the trend to barely gloss over details en route to partaking in the trend themselves. :Shrugs:
3) What happened to the iphone? Because it seems that everything is about the blackberry these days. BBM, facebook apps, google map apps, business, type, camera, etc. In the last 6 months, I've probably witnessed at least 10 of my friends switching over. My plan with Verizon is up in March, and naturally, everyone assumes that I, too, will switch over to the blackberry. Again, there are plenty of other great options, one of which I'm considering as my first choice, pending playing around with it in live person at a Verizon store. Personally, I don't really text that much, so a blackberry wouldn't be that necessary. And I would like to stick with Verizon, so switching over to AT&T and the iphone is probably unlikely. What is a possibility, is that, in light of tough economic times, I don't even know if I'm willing to fork out $100+ bucks for a new phone, and pay another $100 or so per month for some expensive plan of which I probably won't take full advantage of. Yes, maybe it's a trend that everyone's following, but, to rephrase an old saying, you wouldn't jump off the bridge if everyone else did, would you?

Stupid Questions? Unnnecessary?
One of my TAs in one of my polisci classes said that "there's no such things as stupid questions"... and I for the most part agree with the spirit of her answer, but disagree with her answer. For the most part, all (serious) questions have merit, but there are a certain breed of questions that are stupid: the UNNECESSARY questions. Case in point, there are certain girls in the said class, that always sit in the front, ask and answer obvious questions, and in general, suck up a lot. In fact, their level of sucking rivals that of black holes. So this past Monday was our review for our midterm tomorrow, and these girls start asking questions about page length, the amount of bluebook pages that equal a great length for an essay.. basically they were nitpicking everything. For the most part, everyone knows that our professor and TA are chill, and knows from quizzes what to expect to write about and in what style to write it in. Knowing that, these girls couldn't stop asking these stupid questions, and I think it'd be fair to say that it wasn't the answers to these questions which were comforting them, but the fact that they were asking these questions at all that comforted them. And therein lies the premise behind UNNECESSARY questions. I don't know if I made much sense, but basically, those girls were annoying. Kudos goes out to the guy who, in mocking those girls, asked the TA [sarcasm]"how many words should our essays be?"[/sarcasm]

Cussing.
I used to cuss. A lot. I think in high school and beginning of college, every other word was a curse word. Obviously, I was lost back then, and a lot of my less-than-admirable traits sprang from lack of a stable walk with God. But yeah, since then, I've definitely grown out of cussing and actually, no longer cuss, period. It's actually at a point now where, once upon a time, I would be comfortable with most forms of cussing, but now, I find it unsettling and awkward. It's funny, at this point in time, it will be very weird/taboo for me to even say "hell" or "damn", just because how my perspectives have changed, relatively speaking. But yeah, back on topic, it's strangely not ALL forms of cussing, just a specific situation. If someone I'm already close/tight with cusses, it's not a biggie, provided that they cuss normally to begin with. However, it is when I encounter people I don't know who cuss that makes things awkward/weird. In this situation, I've realized people cuss for one reason: comfort. Stay with me here. I've noticed that in social situations where people don't know each other or are in awkward situations, they will often resort to cussing. Or in situations where they'd like to give off that "i'm just like anyone else!" vibe, they'll cuss. It's like so many of these people in these situations, for whatever reason, think that cussing is a universal vernacular that will appeal anywhere. I've seen it everywhere - playing sports with people I don't know, customers at work, people I don't know at church/KCM, etc, etc. I don't think I'll ever get why people like this always "appeal" to cussing to bring about a sense of normalcy, because for me, it just makes things awkward. And is cussing really that therapeutic? I mean, thinking about it, over the years, part of the reason why I stopped cussing was that I asked myself, "what's the point? aren't there other ways for me to emphatically express myself?". I also dismiss people that cuss because it's "relieving" or makes them look "hard" or whatever. They're just words and to see them place so much faith and stock into something as stupid as cussing just makes them look stupid.

People's "favorites", cliques.
I think one of the biggest complaints or problems I've run into, or experienced, in any club, church, organization, etc has been the age old issue of cliques, or people having "favorites". Personally, I disdain both these concepts and realities. To some extent, I understand that people have those friends/roommates/etc that they're closer to than others. This is fine, and this is a fact of life. What bothers me is when these relationships become cliquey. At that point, they kind of shut themselves apart from everyone else and make it hard for others to interact with them. I've noticed that these "crews" or "posses" kind of possess this aura about them that screams "we're the shiz" or "you'd be lucky to be a part of our crowd". This has a twofold problem: first, because they set themselves apart and are unwilling to come out of their shells, it kind of obstructs fellowship opportunities, and second, it makes people more concerned about getting to know these kinds of people because of popularity and status rather than because of fellowship. Another occassional problem that arises out of this is, unfortunately, when people feel excluded and end up leaving whatever club/church/etc altogether. When I see the same people always hanging out/driving together/sitting together, and especially in church or KCM when they leave early or arrive late, it bothers me. To a certain extent, I can understand where some people may be coming from; these groups/crews/cliques provide a form of security/comfort. But often, by trying to secure for themselves this comfort, they're often externalizing these "social difficulties" (for lack of a better term) onto several others. I guess this comes a lot from just my personal disdain for clinginess. Like after KCM circle, instead of lounging around with my classmates or roommates, I like going around and talking to everyone around the circle. Having been where they may have been, I just hate people bunching into their comfy cliques and watching newcomers/outsiders/etc squirm and stand there alone. Don't get me wrong.. this isn't me trying to be patronizing or "look at me, i make people feel good", but rather, I'm trying to say that I've been in that position, and I want to do what I can to make sure people don't experience the same things that I did. But yeah, when people are so cliqued up, it makes it hard for me to approach them. It's like they're all connected like tar, and to peel one person away from these crews/posses/cliques to talk with them and get to know them would be something way too troublesome/difficult to do. So I feel like in the end, I feel like both sides lose out. Not only am I not able to talk to any of these people, since they leave/arrive/stick as packs, but they, too, are missing out on meeting people. And I guess an extension of this phenomenon is people playing "favorites". It just bothers me when people have to reinforce/legitimize who they are through who they hang around with or hang onto. In both this case and the case of cliques overall, I just feel that people will be prone to idolizing, become people pleasers and just forgoing the spirit of true fellowship for selfish glory. I mean, it's really annoying, especially at church/KCM to know that there's so many of us that will stick with the 5-10% that we know and forego the opportunity to reach out and get to know the rest of the 90-95% of the constituency. That's a fellowship built on sand and a house divided against itself. And at this point, maybe I'm reading into things a little too much, but I feel like we're all have to offer "something" to be accepted. I feel these days, our personalities and who we are can only go so far, and that it's WHAT we are that attracts people. Maybe if I were taller or buffer or more attractive, or maybe if I were from a certain city or engaged in specific scenes, then more people would talk to me. I don't know, it just seems that so many of us come in life with an unconsciously built in screen test for talking to people.. like someone has to be "cool" enough, attractive enough, popular enough, etc, just to be "worthy" of our time. I wish we could just let go of status, image and just be free of our insecurities and external judgment to just be comfortable in ourselves and in each other to JUST BE REAL. And most of all, I wish I could practice what I preach.

Yeah, that was yet another long post. I feel like I should post frequently and in spurts on specific things rather than waiting and compiling all my thoughts into one weekly looooong post. It would make things a lot easier for me, blogger and my sanity. But yeah, if you read my rant, congratulations.. you probably had a lot of time on your hands.. haha

- BH

A Slumdog Valentine

*Disclaimer - If you thought last week's entry was long, this one's even longer. So read this if you have nothing to do or are taking a long dump. And it's kind of all over the place so please, bear with me*


So, in light of valentine's day, being single, and just having watched Slumdog Millionaire, I was inspired to write this blog entry that I'm sure will be embarrassing, revealing, but mostly just sad. I might call it a "healthy exercise in reflecting on my love life", but for you, the reader, go ahead and feel free to call me "whiny" or "emo", if you want. It's actually kind of funny... I don't know WHY I'm writing at all, but I just feel that I should. But yeah, as you read, you may feel like laughing but at the same time feeling that you shouldn't. If yo ufeel this way, just react freely... I myself don't know whether to be sad for myself, laugh at my self or whatever.

So last night, I finally watched Slumdog Millionaire. After all the hype, hoopla and hollering about the movie, I would say I was fairly impressed by the movie. On a scale of 1 to 10, the hype built it up to about a 9.5, but for me, I would rate it at about 9.0... definitely a great movie, but nothing that permanently/amazingly moved me. But yeah, moving on, lest this post becomes a movie review... what I was getting at was the story of the movie, which I would say is the love story between Jamal and Latika. Basically through all the plotlines (Who Wants to be a Millionaire, flashbacks, etc) is the central plotline of Jamal looking and chasing Latika. If any of you are fobby enough to get the reference (and I hope you do), essentially Jamal was Latika's "Flowerpot" or as Alex would put it, "Hwabun".

The reason why I mention this part of the movie is that, insofar as the love story is the crux of the movie, I was rather unmoved by it. Normally, love stories like these would definitely get me, and I would really fall in love with the premises. Normally, I'd be the guy that would be a sucker for these hopeful, if not idealistic, plotlines. I don't know why this change occurred, but I can definitely say it's occurred just recently, which brings me to my next thoughts on the current status of things as well as a reflection of my overall approach/thoughts when it comes to love life/girls.

So I mentioned previously that several friends, fellow seniors, whatever you want to call them, have entered into relationships in recent times. And previously, I wrote about how I was simply happy for them, excited to see great Christ-centered relationships blossoming and that it had no bearing on my personal well-being and whatnot. For some reason, nowadays, I feel differenlty about it. Not that I'm beginning to be jealous of them or antagonistic towards them, but the urgency of the times have been getting to me. Growing up through junior high and high school, all I heard was about how many people's significant others were their "high school sweethearts". Going through college the last 4 years, I heard about how even more people, if not in high school, definitely meet their sweethearts in college. But here I am, 3 months away from graduation, and facing my next part of life, the post-college, unemployed life, that promises little, if any, chances to meet someone. As I enter my 20s, having been single the entire way through, I can't help but wonder how God will eventually bring me to marriage. Having been single and never the one someone's had "feelings for", I don't know how I'm going to get married. I've been so accustomed to this way of life that it's like, I'd be surprised at this point if I WERE to meet someone. Now, I don't want anyone to take from what I've written so far to be a sign of my being desperate or going e-harmony, but these are things to take note of. College is a place where, for 4 years, you're surrounded by peers. Post college is a place where, for however long, you're studying/working/looking for jobs either living on your own or living back home. As I'm in between the two, I'm not sure what to feel about my relationship status at this point in time. But I guess all I can do is do as Asaph in Psalm 77, and in times of uncertainties just appeal to what God has done in the past.

For so long, I've always desired a girlfriend. To be sure, my reasons and motives have evolved and matured throughout my life. On one level, it's simple why I have this desire: I've been single all my life. On one level, at the risk of sounding sappy, I do desire that physical companionship: holding hands, hugging, etc. On a deeper level, I do desire that spiritual companionship as well. Obviously all these things come from my speculations, and not experience. But still, the fact that I could be with someone that would be there for me, and I for them, rain or shine, is something that captivates me. But therein may lie the rub: am I more captivated by the concept or the actual person? And that's a genuine issue I've encountered in recent years.

If I had to describe the history of my love life, I would describe it with a single analogy: it's like a lifetime constipation. Essentially, in both this analogy and my love life, it's been the same story of me pushing and trying hard to no avail. It's a delicate balance. On the one hand, I don't want to be crazy and be a girl-chaser, but on the other hand, I don't want to be stupid and lazy and say to myself "God will provide!" and do nothing about it. I mean, perhaps this reason is exactly why I've been single all my life. It's definitely possible that all these endeavors and whatnot have always come within the framework of my selfish desires for companionship, rather than from a genuine desire to glorify God through a healthy, pure and spiritual relationship. It used to be worse actually. In the past, in approaching girls, I definitely used to have a "pre-screening" concept built in where I would approach (or not) or show interest (or not) purely depending on my attraction to them. On a sillier level, my first impressions when meeting a girl for the first time would always relate to whether or not I saw them as GF material. The funniest and most pathetic part of all this, in my opinion, is that I'm making it seem like I have such a detailed process and even a line of people who I would think would be a possible GF, and yet I have nothing to show for it except rhetoric and excuses. The worst part about all this is that this chase for a GF I've been on, up until the last month or two, has definitely damaged, if not broken, friendships I've had with people... Out of my selfish desires for a GF, I've often neglected what's proper and good for the girls I've encountered in the past and only regarded what I've wanted. This very fact has been the sole cause in my decision to stop chasing and letting God will me. Honestly, sometimes I would act as if KCM stood for "Korean Chicks for Me", judging by my conduct in the past. But yeah, because of recent sour experiences that broke the last straw, I've realized how detrimental my bad habits in this area of life has been to my friendships with these people, my walk with God and my own personal satisfaction. In concluding my thoughts here, it wasn't me saying "okay, I don't want a GF anymore", but rather relenting, "I do want it to happen, but only out of God's will and good timing". As Pastor Mike mentioned this past Thursday at Sister's Appreciation Night, the sisters are ALL daughters of God, so who am I to decide who is and isn't "worthy" of befriending?

Let's explore my history with girls. (It will ironically be a long history, albeit full of failures). And don't ask me why I seem to remember every failure at relationships... I just do. Let's break it down by school levels, starting with elementary school. (And no, I will not name names). In 2nd grade, well, I had just moved from Korea, so I couldn't even tell a girl I liked her, even if I wanted to. So epic fail for my love life started immediately. In 3rd grade, the only way I could communicate with the girl that I liked was by passing post-it notes during class, and lining up next to her at the handball courts, and even then, I was just too shy to do anything. In 4th grade, I actually sat by the girl that I liked, and although I tried to play it off as a joke (quite unconvincingly, might I add), my accidental farting (it was like a subwoofer) in class was my undoing in my chances with this girl. In 5th and 6th grade, I think I liked the same girl. I was actually, relatively speaking, pretty successful. After working hard, hoping for the best and asking her friends to put in a good word for me, she said that if there were a dance at the science camp we'd be going to during 6th grade, she would go with me, albeit just as friends. But yeah, there ended up being no dance, and she ended up dating another guy in junior high the next year.

Speaking of junior high, it was a peculiar time. Relationships at this juncture consisted of maybe "dating" once a month, but mostly consisted of two kids liking each other, holding hands and the guy walking the girl to class. But you know what? I wanted that, and wanted to participate it all that, I'll admit it. But yeah, through junior high, there was this one girl I liked. She was in my homeroom both years. 7th grade was about getting to know her, and 8th grade was when I went for the jugular, so to speak, and asked her "out". A phone conversation later that night resulted in my first success when she said "let's give it (a relationship) a try". But as is often the case with my life, there was a quick about-face the next day when she changed her mind. After this, there was a random love letter in my locker that, to this day, I still don't know whether or not it was a joke or serious. One thing is for sure... I, quite sadly, kept that love note in my wallet for the next 3 years. I still think, to this day, it was one of the most pathetic things I have done in my life. But yeah, junior high ended with the junior high "prom". My friends and I all, obviously, went stag. I think the junior high prom culminated with my friends and I sitting at the tables in the auditorium watching all the couples dance to O-Town's "All or Nothing". We then proceeded to ditch the dance to go play Diablo II and Counter Strike at "The Pit", our local PC Bang at the time.

High school was a place where the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. Freshman year, I obviously, liked yet another girl. I forgot what class she was in... all I remember was this was right around the time when my flirting, for some reason, started to express itself in forms of teasing, making fun, etc, a style which I'm still trying to change to this very day. Quite uncharacteristic of myself, I actually boldly asked her to homecoming that year... I don't know if her excuse was truthful or not, but she said she would go but she had prior engagements for homecoming night. And I don't know if this was her intention or not, but when I asked for her screen name (AIM used to be even bigger back in the day), she gave me her screen name except the part that was supposed to be "krn" was replaced with "azn"... (I miss the days of stereotypical screen names). Anyways, this endeavor ran its course when I committed the ultimate "sin", so to speak, of when I declared my feelings to her ONLINE. I don't even need to describe what the result of that was. Sophomore year was another year, but another chance. This new girl was in my history class, and she was very cute and very nice. The year before, freshmen year, she had dated a guy whom I always dismissed as a prettyboy/player type, and quite frankly, whom I was glad she no longer dated. But yeah, we began talking and getting to know each other and obviously the same cycle started again... except this time, the result was actually positive, at least initially. In fact, during my "courtship", if you will, one of her friends messaged me on AIM and told me how much she reciprocated my feelings. Of course, this only served to lead me astray, enlarge my hubris and thereby make my fall that much more tragic. But anyways, that year, my sophomore year, which was 2002 or 2003, was when the first Spider-Man movie came out. I asked her out to see the movie and she said yes. I bought her flowers and later that same day, I went to go buy the tickets to the movie on presale. On the day of, I was chilling with some of my junior high friends and for some reason, she wasn't giving me a call that she said she would make. A couple of hours passed and still no call. After trying to reach her countless times, her "cousin" answered and simply told me she couldn't go anymore on the date. I still have no idea who any of these people were, but yeah, that's what happened. I guess you could say that I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. But yeah, essentially I stopped talking to her for over a year out of bitterness/immaturity, but we eventually made peace. I've gone on since that point to merely writing about these things in blogs and still festering in the same old, same old. I believe she's gone on since to become hotter, more popular and even a part time model. Good for her! But yeah, my next year, junior year, believe it or not, was one rare year in which there was no interest. It was a pretty lackluster year for the most part. Senior year was like that too, although my 1.5 years of peace & quiet in between sophomore year and high school prom was shattered by what transpired in the weeks leading up to my senior prom (which I did NOT attend). Basically the short story is that I asked one girl to prom already only because the girl I REALLY wanted to ask had been asked by someone else. The latter rejected the guy that asked her. Her friends told me to ask her in light of the fact that she would go with me to prom if I asked her. I then had my friend go to prom with the girl I originally asked. Now at this point, I, being the clueless moron that I was, and to a lesser extent, still am, took this girl's (and I'm referring at this point and beyond, exclusively the girl I actually wanted to go with) willingness to go to prom with me to mean, somehow, that she liked me. Leave it up to me to take an ideal situation and totally destroy it, haha. Anyways, what happened was I bought her flowers to give to her the next school day, but the only issue was that in between those two events (flowers and school next day), I found out from her friend that she would/could no longer go to prom. After giving her the flowers the next day amidst many good natured, but uninformed "awws" and "congratulations", I gave her a few phone calls, which in retrospect, that I agree was a little too much, freaky, obsessive, scary... which is exactly what she told our mutual friend, who then relayed this revelation to me, to more or less, keep my distance. Anyways, since these events, I have not talked to this girl.

Now, as for my college endeavors, I'm going to be even more generic about it. But before I get into it, I hope the 2-3 people that are reading it don't think of this as me ranting, or God forbid, slandering against anyone. Although implicit, I hope it's clear that I'm trying to, rather sardonically, reflect on my "love" life and remark at all its ups and downs, with a special emphasis on the latter. But continuing on, I wanted to note how it was college that began to mark a change in why I was interested in that all precious female companionship. Simply put, I grew up. As I entered college, I had grown out of that innocent, shy boyhood crushes that I experienced in elementary school, and also grown out (for the most part ) of that holding hands/superficiality that I sought after in junior high and high school. Entering into college, joining KCM, and eventually returning to church and in effect, rediscovering my walk with God, I began to see girls not for these former misconceptions which I distanced myself from, but rather for a deeper, spiritual connection. It's no surprise that the couple of girls I have been interested in college couldn't be more different from the girls I was involved with before college... but it's also no surprise that my bad luck would continue in college. My first year, freshman year, it was at Frosh accountability where I met an awesome sister. Mature, strong and attractive, she stood out to me in a way where no other girl had in my mind at that point. However, this fairy tale ended before it could began when I found out soon after that she was already dating someone, older. My sophomore year was uneventful. But last year, my junior year, was anything BUT uneventful. I first met "her" at the first general meeting of the school year, and for the most part, she wasn't anything but a new face, a new acquaintance, etc. But yeah, one day, probably in September or early October, I bumped into her on Trousdale. It was about 4 pm and we started making somewhat of a smalltalk. That smalltalk on Trousdale went on for almost about 2 hours. Then afterwards, we went to eat/talk at EVK till 10 pm, closing time. Eventually, when we hung out once more, and as I was dropping her off, I asked her out, to which she said yes. Now bear with me the monumentality of this moment. History had shown that normal responses to my asking someone out had usually been some variant of "no" or "sorry, but...". With my lack of experience and just general moronicness (*salutes* General Moronicness!), I blew up her simple "yes" to mean so much more than that. Our first hang out, she kept reiterating about defining things, approaching things in relation to finding out whether a relationship was possible, etc, etc. Obviously, had I been any normal person, I could have saved a lot of trouble and embarrassment by simply agreeing with her and replying "oh yes, let's just let things happen and we'll see if a relationship is somewhere we'll head towards". Obviously, I was anything but a normal/sane person. I thought, by virtue of her saying "yes", I had already finished, that we were something, when in reality, all she said "yes" to was trying to see if we had a chance at becoming something. This was the experience in which I had to ask to hold hands, and other things that should go unstated. But yeah, needless to say, this miscommunication and moronic assumptions on my part ended in failure, obviously, and regrettably a damaged friendship. That was about it for junior year. However, I'm ashamed to admit that even to this school year, my senior year, I still have another sour experience to frown about. I met girl at KCM chapel. I met her again at UR. I start having awesome/deep/long conversations on AIM and start getting the wrong idea. We hung out at the local mall. I visit her once more when her school starts. But one wrong move built on completely unfounded assumptions on my part just ruined everything. In my, to be blunt, selfish quest for a relationship, it totally dawned on me that I should have been looking for ways to glorify God with the friendship that was always there rather than trying to turn it into a relationship that maybe wasn't meant to be.

But yeah, getting back to my earlier points: I'm not gonna lie... I'm very bad with females, and even worse with relationships. Do anything out of the norm, and I'll get the wrong idea. My heart will jump on anything and anyone that shows any sort of interest or compassion. In fact, I think much of my endeavors, and consequent failures, have come from the fact that I, out of desperation or whatever, will take things out of context or read into things too much. Honestly, this bad habit makes me disgusted with myself. If any girl starts showing any closeness, flirtation or whatever kind of interest, I will take off and draw a million conclusions, of which ALL are unjustified, unfounded or exaggerations, at best. Maybe I should move into a monastery. But yeah, I don't know anything about DTRing, probabaly because I've never reached that stage. In my lack of experience, but mostly awkwardness, I've had to ask if it was okay to hold hands. Whatever implicit aspects or nuances of dating or whatever that should remain unstated; I've either blurted out or even remain unaware of. For me, I still have trouble differentiating between dating, seeing someone, and being in a relationship. It's all too confusing and makes things even harder for me. I've always thought things were simpler: two people like each other, they link up, and progress from there. All these institutional and formal concepts an dpractices are confusing and for me, I feel like they cloud what should be the driving force in relationships. On the other hand, maybe when you're in the situation/relationship, all these "concepts and practices" aren't rigid, but occur naturally. On another note, it's really frustrating when I start trying harder just because of my level of attraction to someone, instead of letting these friendships come naturally. So as a result when I try too hard, I end up feeling like I lied to myself and feel like a fool. It's funny how unoriginal/limited my daydreams are. I daydream about either having a GF or being an NBA superstar... sadly nothing else. But yeah, I really am bad with these relationship type deals. i don't really know how to go about making things happen. I mean, are things so natural that going out, entering a realtionship and all that jazz all occur naturally? Or does it start with me trying to do things and over time it snowballing into something concrete? And being the guy, the agressor, the initiator, etc, makes things even tougher, especially when you're a dude like me: a dude that's unsure, unexperienced, clumsy, awkward, but, just to balance things out, a dude who's also earnest and hopefully genuine. I don't know. I don't know how to go about doing anything; I don't ahve experience to bank on, and I'm graduating in mere months. What am I supposed to do?

In reflecting on my experiences with the feamle half of the human race as well as Pastor Mike's recent sermon on 1 Tim 5:1-2, I've realized how fleeting, deceitful and displeasing my actions, intentions and words are and have become to myself, friends, family and God. I feel as though my shutting up would do more good than if I kept talking. Honestly, looking at my history of failures with girls, there are more recurring themes beyond just rejection. There are repeating themes of myselfishness and superficiality in thinking with the eyes first, there is the repeating theme of my selfishness for a relationship stunting the growth or even detroying burgeoning friendships, and there is the theme of my feeling all kinds of stupid. Just when I thought I meant what I said, and said what I meant, God has revealed yet again the wickedness that is my heart. I think Isaiah put it best when he said:

"Woe is me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips..." (Isaiah 6:5)

- BH