random musings..

*Warning: This is a pretty loooong entry, so be forewarned*

I've realized that throughout college, the most common comment I've received from others is "You're weird!", "You're so weird", etc, etc. I've come to realize that, indeed, I am very idiosyncratic and have particular "things" about myself that would lead people to make those comments. But more so than that, I've come to feel recently that I don't like that comment. I mean, first off, who wants to be called "weird"? After all, it's not a word that carries the most positive connotation.. people don't call others "weird" because they want to compliment them and honor them, but because something about that person gives them some sort of feeling of "what the heck? they're kind of...". I don't know why I am the way I am, but it is just the way I am. I guess that for me, if I were to act like everyone else, and engage in conversations normally, follow protocol like everyone else in different facets of life, I wouldn't feel like I was being true to myself.

Seriously though. When people tell me that I'm weird, am I supposed to say "why, thanks!" and take it as a compliment? How am I supposed to react? When people say these things, they leave me in an awkward position.. am I supposed to be grateful for that comment, or am I supposed to apologize for it? I don't know if they say it because they think it's funny that I'm weird, or they are put off by my behavior. I'll never know, and I don't care to investigate further. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I feel that when people say that to me, most of the time, it's them being condescending/patronizing about it.. like when they say it, whether they admit it or not, I feel that there is some deep/subconscious level of them elevating themselves above me when they say it. Like when they tell me "you're weird!", I feel like they're saying that "you're weird and you belong in this section of whatever, but since I'm normal, I can just make these comments and laugh on with my life".

Everyone has idiosyncrasies.. it's just a matter of whether you choose to live it out or not. Everyone is "weird" and "unique" in some respect.. it's the way God makes them. But yeah, another big thing that bothers me about when people make that comment is, I feel like people just see me as the "weird/funny" guy and dismiss any possibility of the rest of me. It's not that I'm bothered by what they're thinking of me, necessarily, but it bothers me that people can be close-minded and label people as certain things and not think about these people as wholes.. like for me, there is more of me and I feel that (and maybe, in the end, I'm just reading too much into things) with that single sentence, "you're weird", they're dismissing the rest of me.



Speaking of which, in "the rest of me", I think it clearly ties to an issue of recognition. All people, in some way, want their whole beings, achievements, whatever to be recognized. It's just who we are as people and who we are as prideful sinners. It can apply to anything that we do, but it applies especially to our spiritual lives. Prayer, fasting, reading of the word, evangelizing (bringing the lost to Christ), etc.. when we do these things, we want some form of external recognition for these things. I know I do. For me, the biggest reason why I struggle with this issue is that by people recognizing these achievements, etc, I feel that my status and reputation will be affirmed. When people see me praying, reading, or reaching out to people, they'll say "wow, that's great dedication, etc, etc, brian!" and I will feel that my status as a good Christian will be affirmed. When I do these things in secret or hidden from public venue, I will struggle with the question, "is anyone going to know what I'm doing at this moment?". For me, in my struggles, I struggle with the fact that I can do these things humbly and in secret, but if no one ever knows about it, people won't ever see me as anything other than that "weird/funny" guy, something which is the root of my problem with pride, recognition, etc. But then, I remembered a couple of books I've read in the past...

Back in sophomore year, for DT, we read The Spirit of the Disciplines by USC's own Dallas Willard. The main chunk in the middle of the book dealt with Willard listing out 10 or so disciplines, and organizing them under either "disciplines of engagement" or "disciplines of abstinence", the meaning of which are pretty obvious. Under his "disciplines of abstinence" was the discipline of secrecy. Here are just a few excerpts from that section of the book:

"In the discipline of secrecy [...] we abstain from causing our good deeds and qualities to be known. [...] To help us lose or tame the hunger for fame, justification, or just the mere attention of others, we will often need the help of grace. But as we practice this discipline, we learn to love to be unknown and even to accept misunderstanding without the loss of our peace, joy, or purpose"

"One of the greatest fallacies of our faith, and actually one of greatest acts of unbelief, is the thought that our spiritual acts and virtues need to be advertised to be known."

"Secrecy right practiced enables us to place our public relations department entirely in the hands of God, who lit our candles so we could be the light of the word, not so we could hide under a bushel (Matt. 5:14-16). We allow him to decide when our deeds will be known and when our light will be noticed."

"Secrecy at its best teaches love and humility before God and others. And that love and humility encourages us to see our associates in the best possible light, even to the point of our hoping they will do better and appear better than us."

Another book I read in the past, The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, addressed similar issues. He epically dedicates about half the book breaking down Jesus' sermon on the mount, and one of the sections based on Matthew 6, he organized as the section on "Of the Hidden Character of the Christian Life". Some of the excerpts:

"The better righteousness of the disciples must have a motive which lies beyond itself. Of course it has to be visible, but they must take care that it does not become visible simply for the sake of becoming visible."

"...the visiblity is never an end in itself; and if it becomes so we have lost sight of our primary aim, which is to follow Jesus."

"The first question to ask is: From whom are we to hide the visiblity of our discipleship? [...] We are to hide it from ourselves. [...] We must be unaware of our own righteousness, and see it only in so far as we look unto Jesus; then it will seem not extraordinary, but quite ordinary and natural."

"According to the word of Jesus it cannot be otherwise: the Christian is a light unto the world, not because of any quality of his own, but only because he follows Christ and looks solely to him."

"All that the follower of Jesus has to do is to make sure that his obedience, following and love are entirely spontaneous and unpremeditated. If you do good, you must not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, you must be quite unconscious of it. Otherwise you are simply displaying your own virtue, and not that which hsa its source in Jesus Christ. Christ's virtue, the virtue of discipleship, can only be accomplished so long as you are entirely unconscious of what you are doing. The genuine work of love is always a hidden work."

"If we want to know our own goodness or love, it has already ceased to be love."

"...if we become conscious of our hidden virtue, we are forging our own reward, instead of that which God had intended to give us in his own good time."

I guess to start another topic, this would be a good time to update you all on my missions status. Having had dinner with Pastor Dave, I came out of it understanding that my desire to go back out this summer needed a direction, a conviction, if you will. I think that I ultimately realized that I have short and long term goals that I feel would be accomplished by going back out this summer: the short term being that I would get to go on missions, the long term being that I would really get to analyze this time around, more so than my first, if missions is a real possibility for me in the future or long term. The fact is, I do want to go for God's glory, but I understand that it can't be directionless, but at this point, I do feel as though I know in which direction I want this summer to point me towards.

I actually started thinking about KCM missions back in December, and it was after much contemplation and prayer when I decided to tenatitvely tell my family of my possibly going back out again, which was beginning of the new year. After this past Chapel, right when I got back home, I told my dad that I was pretty sure/confirming that I would be going back out this summer. Now, it's not that he disagreed and opposed my going out, and in fact, he said he would support me, but that he was worried by me being youthful and so singularly focused, I could be missing out on other opportunities (securing a job, internship, building my resume, etc). Of course, with a language barrier, I totally misunderstood and took his opinions to mean that he was opposed completely, and there was some misdirected anger from my part. Point is, I realized that, more so than what he was saying, it was the fact that he was talking and worrying that made me realize the importance of going on missions this summer in a way that glorifies God AND honors my dad. Practically speaking, it shouldn't be that hard.. there are connections everywhere, I do have every month except one to look for a job/internship, etc. But most importantly, I do feel that shoud I go back out, God would definitely provide, and that in the long run, that one month will be better spent overseas rather than looking for a job that I'm going to quit in less than a year right before I go to law school. But yes.. prayer I desperately need.

Lastly, having talked to one of the STSM directors at Chapel (I won't mention his name just in case), it seems that 5 team leaders have been asked (still pending approval from steering core) and that the 5 countries which was tenatively listed are all confirmed at this point. The fact that these developments are already this far along, in addition to the country preferences being on the actual application this year, makes me think that teams would be announced earlier than it was in previous years. It also makes my first choice of Japan more of a sure thing, now that I don't have to worry about whether it will be available when all is said and done. But yeah, I feel like there is going to be a lot of trainees this summer, almost akin to STSM 2k6. A lot of familiar faces from past STSMs are going back out, as well as a lot of new faces. I really look forward to everything that God has planned for STSM 2k9, as these familiar feelings of excitement and anxiousness begin to bubble up inside of me.


Even though Valentine's Day is not for another couple of days, apparently Cupid couldn't hold back his arrows. In the past few weeks, many friends and acquaintances, mostly fellow seniors, have entered into relationships. I'm sure many of you know which people I'm referring to.. but yes, in the past few weeks, I've seen 4-5+ couples forming, all people that I've come to regard as close friends. It's funny that, right after I vowed to stop being obsessed with finding a girlfriend, that all this matchmaking should take place. But in honesty, I'm very happy for all of them. I don't see any of their relationships being formed "just because" or for shallow reasons, but rather being formed by a divine connection. It's just funny that many of these couples are seniors, and it makes me wonder whether this being our last year in college, etc, made them more antsy or anxious about finding someone. But yeah, as this has been occurring, it's just reminded me more of my bachelorhood, but at the same time, it's actually reaffirmed my stance of not forcing the issue in finding a significant other. While it seems like everyone else is pairing up and holding hands, I realize that, and God bless all of them, they're not me. I can only do what I can and leave it up to God, be happy for my fellow brothers and sisters who have found their "other", and just proceed with my life, not being entangled by any fits of jealousy or emo. haha.


If any of you read this entire entry.. congratulations. I'll give you a handshake or something.


- BH