fear

fear, apprehension, anxiety, changes, uncertainty are overflowing in the melting pot that i call "life". for the past 2-3 weeks since my LSAT, i really haven't progressed in working on my law school apps. to be sure, i've become more physically active having gone back to the gym, but in terms of the bigger goal, law school, i've been the king of excuses in putting it off.

mostly, i chalk it up to just procrastinating, plain and simple. but the more i've thought about it (that's my problem; i overthink to the point of not doing anything), it's more than simple procrastinating. i've always believed that you procrastinate when you have no desire to do something and put it off. but in my inability to progress on my personal statements and application essays, it's not due to my lack of desire to do it -- in fact, i want to work on it and get it done asap -- but what is the underlying issue, i feel, is fear.

fear has extreme results. it can push us to do things we never thought we were capable of, it pushes us beyond our limits. but fear can also make us curl up into the fetal position and suck on our thumbs. it's the classic fight-or-flight scenario. in my case, it's the latter - curling into a ball and running away and not confronting the brutally vicious personal statement. in light of my uncertain performance on my LSAT, sudden lack of confidence in my personal statement outlook and anxiety, i have become scared to work on it. questions like "what if i fail?", "what if my LSAT score is not great?", "what if my essay isn't good"... flood my mind and i'm left sitting at my desk like a septic tank of doubt.

for about the first week, it was indeed procrastination that kept me from getting to my personal statement and wrapping up law school applications. but by this point, i had spent enough time away from getting down to business that doubt and fear had already crept inside my head. one insight i've been able to gain is that inactivity/procrastination and fear/anxiety mutually benefit one another. the more you put something off, the fear and anxiety of that thing grows, and the more that grows, the more you put it off. it's a vicious cycle and leaves many casualties. learning this has made me appreciate urgency and intentionality that much more, but, at the end of the day, i still find myself stuck in this conundrum able to talk the talk but unable to walk the walk.

just do it? easier said than done.