multiplicity

in an effort to 'streamline the efficiency' of my posts, i'm attempting to blog more often, in shorter "bursts". if i make it a habit, i'll probably end up posting a lot, which wouldn't be such a bad thing, since i'm all talk and no walk. haha.

I've come to realize two things about myself/the name Brian. First is that it's probably one of the most common names. In my high school japanese class, there were four Brians (two white guys, and two asian guys), including myself. And in KCM, there are four Bri(y)ans (myself, BK, Bai, and Frosh Brian), as well as Bryant! The second thing I realized about myself is that, I've slowly, but surely, become the least popular Brian in KCM. In a strange way, things have always been this way. I think this situation was best epitomized by what occurred last night at UCLA/USC Night: We were walking around campus in our various "tribes" or game groups, and I guess Joohee was in the group that we just walked past. Because I was kind of trailing the rest of the group, I thought she was calling for me, since I heard someone faintly calling out "Brian". As I turned around and walked towards her, I began to hear clearly and correctly just who she was calling for: Bryan Bai. It was only when I started walking closer when she changed courses and abruptly squeezed in a greeting for me.

But yeah. Just for context -- My freshman year, our president was Bryan Kim. Now, imagine an awkward/new freshman (me), walking into KCM not knowing everyone, sharing the same name as the president. At first, I thought everyone was being really welcoming and doing a great job of remembering my name -- in fact, I got whiplash from turning my head back and forth to look at all the people calling for my name. This excitement quickly soured as I realized that each and every time, they were ALL calling for President Bryan. Because of that, I actually developed a habit of not responding to my name; a habit that persists to this very day. It wasn't anything that was depressing or hard to live with, but it was just a minor annoyance, knowing that I was very rarely the Brian people were looking/calling for. But yeah, as it stands, Bryan was a senior that year, so the year's worth of confusion and annoyances came to an end... or so I thought. The next 2+ years, I obviously grew a lot, found a niche for myself, but underratedly and importantly, I finally escaped the shadow of Bryan and became the only Brian in KCM. But in the last 1.5 years or so, along came the other 3 Bri/yans mentioned earlier. Now, they're all awesome guys, I love them, and they represent the name well, but this year feels just like freshman year again. It's just especially funny/sobering because even though I'm a senior and have been here longer, my apparent anonymity in KCM strikes me as funny and, to be frank, even a little unexpected. If I am the least popular Brian among the guys, I'm an even less popular Brian among the ladies. I'm not the most popular, best looking, etc, out of the Brians. The only "most" or "-est" I am, is being the oldest... Yeah. I don't know why I'm writing about it, but the fact that I am probably means, as much as I don't like to admit it, that it's something that I do care about and am bothered by. I definitely wouldn't say I'm jealous as much as I am just perplexed or strangely amused by the situation in which I find myself. Maybe, in my own self-deprecating nature, I tend to block out the cries of "Brian" that are meant for me, and instead, focus on the 75% of the other cries for "Brian" that are meant for the other Brians. But then again, this is assuming that all 4 of us garner equal attention and "hollers"... which, even objectively speaking, is highly doubtful.

Another topic I want to write about is living situations/housing/etc, in light of the USG elections and especially in light of the lotteries having taken place and new apartments having been formed. The first thing is that, it's so funny, and yet so familiar, watching all the kiddos going through drama, stress and the ups and downs of finding roommates and trying to find a place to live in the upcoming year. At my current vantage point, as a graduating senior, it's so easy for me to detach myself and not concern myself with it, but I cannot help but recall my own emotional rollercoaster just 2-3 years back. In fact, much to most of your guy's knowledge, there was a very REAL chance that I might have lived with someone else rather than my current roommates starting sophomore year. I had become very good friends with some of the guys in my Writing 140 class (William Arce & Friends), and two of them were rooming together and they asked if I wanted to live with them. At the same time, I think my current roommates, Albert, Daniel and Justin, were leaning towards living in a 4 person/2 room apartment, meaning it came down to either myself or Daniel's old roommate, Andre. Having had that option of living with my 140 friends, especially in the face of an uncertain situation that I just described, I gave heavy thought to joining my 140 friends. Obviously, that wasn't the case, and my roommates and I decided to live in a 5 person Troy East (thus accommadating both myself AND Andre), and obviously the rest was history. But still, I can't help but think back to what would have been, had I gone the other path. Would I have even stayed in KCM? Would I have even become a Polisci major? Who would I be at this point had I lived with my 140 friends instead?

Another thing I think about, in lieu of the hustle and bustle of housing time, lease signing, USC housing lottery, etc, is the drama/emotions that are entailed the process, especially when it comes to finding/replacing roommates. There are a variety of ways roommates come together to form an apartment... There is the roommates-by-necessity situation (when you have no one else to live with and thus live with ANYONE that you know, or even worse, live with RANDOMs that you find somehow), there is the roommates-by-fate situation (this is the most ideal situation in which all 4-5 members mutually agree and come together with the least amount of controversy/shadiness/etc, as though their coming together was destined by fate), but the one way that is most disconcerting is the roommates-by-addition-by-subtraction. This occurs in some sort of combination of an apartment's arrangement retaining most of its core members, but replacing one (because either they're not in the good graces of the rest of the apartment anymore, or because the apartment has an even more attractive replacement for that member). Either way you put it, there is rejection. There is nothing wrong with not feeling someone as a roommate, or even mutually agreeing/thinking that it's better to part ways. In fact, there definitely are situations when lifestyle/philosophical/genuine conflicts would be better resolved in parting than staying together. What is wrong, unedifying and ultimately, least glorifying to God, is when methods of scheming, judging and general shadiness are involved in this process. Whether it is twisting words, being duplicitous, or even getting other people involved, it's just not a healthy thing to see anywhere. I would also hope that for many of us fellow brothers and sisters, that second chances would be something that would be plentiful. There is no such thing as a perfect roommate, and for one roommate to cast judgment on another as "unworthy" or "incompatible" would be hypocritical and even strange, when considering THEIR OWN shortcomings and faults as a roommate. I would only hope that current, as well as future, roommates can live according to the following exhortations from scripture:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. (Proverbs 17:17)

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with the compassion, kindness, humility, gentelness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)

Yeah. This seems about the right place to end this post. Hope it was an easier/shorter/more organized read this time for all of you.

PS -- I wanted to mention that I dislike all baby videos. I find them boring and unfunny... the 'Charlie Bit Me' and the 'Dentist Kid' video don't make me laugh. Yeah.

- BH

naivete

I've been putting thought into my recent entries, but it seems to me that I may be putting too much thought, if anything. I would like to post couple of times a week, but it seems that I've rounded into a habit of posting once a week or so, and posting very large entries, at that. It's not as big a deal for me, since I write just to write, but I'm hoping that these large entries aren't too daunting for anyone that happens to read my blog. But yeah, on to my thoughts on various things..

Drinking.
Despite having been 21 for over 6 months, I still can't say I have too much experience with it. Though to be honest, and to preface this "rant" with a disclaimer, lest I be labeled a hypocrite, I have had a few experiences of what I rant about, so this isn't meant to be a blind judgment. But other than that, in short, I'll mainly enjoy the occasional brew with a meal or chilling on my couch and drinking while watching sports games. I guess socially speaking, drinking/partying isn't my scene/cup of tea. I was just reflecting on my experiences over the last 4-6 years and noticed how naive I used to be about things. I remember back in high school at Troy, I, as well as many of my peers, were so consumed in studying and the world of IB/Honors/AP classes that the energy drinks or pills were the only "offhand" things I would even think that any of us would consume. Of course, much to my surprise and shock, I found out that through the latter years of high school, a lot of my peers and friends partied, drank, smoke (illegal and legal substances), etc. Having been consumed by nothing but studying, grades, college apps, SATs, etc, something as off handed as this never even crossed my mind. It was such a surprise finding out people I knew engaged in these activities that it was almost tantamount to my finding out that they went to jail or did highly illegal drugs. For me, back then, I felt like finding out about this fundamentally changed everything -- did I really know who these people were? Why are they doing these things? Why am I not doing these things? In short, I was very naive.. and through high school, and entering into college, I had a very dismissive and I guess even righteous view against drinking. I just thought, and still do think, it's just weird and obviously illegal for those not of age to be drinking. I mean, obviously my stances have changed somewhat. Where I once was naive and stubborn on this concept, now I've grown to not be surprised by anything. But still, I worry about the fact that so many kids come out of high school/into college with the mindset, "I need to go crazy and breakaway from everything that defined my life up to this point" or use college as a blank check in dive into various debaucheries. I'm not going to say that people do or don't have genuine fun with it, but I just question the very basis/foundation of why people drink, regardless of place, time and their age. Maybe the drinking issue is a lot like downloading music. Yes, it's illegal, but it's widespread, the thing to do, and there's a very easy access to it. I wouldn't know. I guess another "grievance" I have about drinking is that, most people would justify their decision in engaging in the party/drinking scene despite being underaged or not as "I don't care what people think.. I'll do what I want where I want". Now that's fine and dandy, and I'm not going to try to parent anyone, but if you're saying these things, or at least living in a way that reflects these views, why are so many of you so hesitant in discussing this side of your life? Whether it be avoiding "incriminating" photos or untagging on facebook, there's a funny paradox at work here. I guess maybe it comes down to all our sinfulness and deception, in walking into different places with a different "identity/image/face". Like who we are at these parties or when we drink probably wouldn't be who we are when we go to KCM or church. I guess my biggest deal is, if you engage in these activities, be proud and real about it. Don't come to me or KCM or church evasive and in denial about the fact that you go out to clubs, parties, etc. Don't put on a facade; you're only selling short yourself, church/KCM people, your party/drinking friends, and most importantly, God. I guess for me, the reason why I don't identify myself with that scene is that, maybe it is "fun". But the culture of repetitive "hooking up", "dressing up", "getting trashed" and setting that cycle on repeat would seem to be something that would become empty/hollow over time. It's just weird. When I see pictures of people that I either, didn't know did these things, or wouldn't expect (whether due to being underaged, etc) to do these things, I'm not sure how to react. Do I cheer for them and exclaim, "Hallelujah! She got trashed!" or do I look on them with disappointment? I don't know. For me there are plenty of ways to have fun and enjoy company, but drinking/partying wouldn't rank up there for me that often... especially if I were not of age.

Technology, The Youth, etc.
Technology and its relation to society these days have both become a little disconcerting to me in two ways through recent days, weeks, months, etc. The first way is the fact that we have become increasingly dependent on technology. It was only two years ago when touch screens were completely unheard of, and now any phone major phone company offers touch phones. It was not even just 5-6 years ago where all you could do on cellphones, other than making calls, was playing snake. Now people use phones to send videos, send pictures, get directions, surf the internet, play music, store music, play all sorts of games, watch TV, the list goes on. Same thing with cars. Cars these days have keyless ignitions, GPS is standard, and a lot of them come with auxilary inputs or port cables as standard parts, FULLY assuming that EVERYONE has ipods or some sort of mp3 players. I think RX Bandits put it best in their song, "Analog Boy", when they sing in the chorus (I encourage you to at least youtube them and hear the song yourself):

Analog boy, in a digital world
Don't be so digital
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio
And we're so helpless to our technology
Well I don't wanna be controlled by machines
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio

The second way the rise of technology has been disconcerting to me relates to the youth of America. At Sunday School at church, and just with young kids at large, I'm flabbergasted to see how many of them have personal computers and cell phones. To put this into perspective, I got my first non-handmedown cellphone just two years ago, and I got my first laptop just a year ago. It just surprises me to see kids who are like 8 or 9 already texting, using phones, technology like it's nothing. One of the 4th grade girls at my sunday school has a freaking iPhone. It just seems technology keeps taking over and over, and I wouldn't be surprised if babies started being born with a cellphone for their left hand and a digital camera as their right hand. But yeah, it just seems that these things start happening at earlier ages. Technology isn't alone. From what I've heard through the grapevine and, surprisingly, through the kids at sunday school and from the news, that elementary/jr high kids are getting more physically intimate in their "relationships" these days, and apparently there is this new phenomenon where these kids take explicit pictures of themselves with their cellphone cameras and text it to their significant other. Another concern is that kids these days of that age are starting to declare their homosexuality or sexual beliefs when their ages haven't even reached double digits. And finally, an even bigger concern is that, as much as I was bothered by my friends and peers drinking in high school and even now underaged, it's more disconcerting to find that kids in junior high and elementary school are engaging in these acts of partying, drinking, smoking, etc. I can't help but just be speechless. I don't think we can even blame these kids; but rather, I would want to know, who in the blue hell allows these kids access to alcohol, cigarettes, etc? Are they negligent parents who just don't think twice about where they're leaving alcohol, cigarettes, etc, around the house not knowing what their kids are REALLY up to? Or even worse, are they some idiot citizen who, knowing they shouldn't, buys these things for them at the local liquor shop? Or even worse than that, does access to these things come from delusional and moronic 21+ year olds who think they're cool and awesome by catering these things illegally to kids young enough to be their little siblings? I even shudder to think, maybe one of these "adults" think that the only way to get "lucky" with one of these pre-teens/elementary kids is to buy them alcohol and get them drunk. I honestly shudder to think what this world, and the next generation of kids will be like in 5-10 years from now.

The Professional Camera/Macbook/Blackberry Trends.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't me trying to blast this trend just for the sake of me being "different". If anything, I detest people that do that baselessly and for no reason. Rather, it's just me trying to think about and contemplate the hype and comment on the trends that I see these days.
1) The camera trend: In the last 2-3 years, I've probably witnessed the exponential growth in the trend of these Nikon or whathaveyou "professional" cameras. I guess that's what I find funny about trends. One person starts it, and couple more follow maybe because they find this trend interesting, and the rest of the masses will only follow because everyone else seems to be following the trend. But yeah, back to the point -- I've probably seen the trend grow from 1 person to about at least 20. Now granted, within the large scheme of things, that's not "EVERYONE", but it's especially significant within the framework of KCM. Back 3+ years ago, I think there was probably one or two "camera dudes" in all the KCMs. Not too long after that, not more than, say, half a year or year after that, the trend grew to a point where each KCM campus had its token/designated photographer. At this point, it was pretty cool, but this trend just blew up to a point where it's just kind of funny. Now at KCM locally, and at Chapel/Joint-KCM events, it's just ridiculously funny to see this trend having grown so much to the point that each KCM campus has at least 4-5 "camera dudes". I know nothing about the technology/expertise behind the phototaking or the machinery, so I can't criticize, but I wonder how many of all these "photographers" would be considered amateurish/in it for the trend, and how many are in it for the right reasons and are actually talented. I mean, I would hope that many would be in the latter group, because these cameras are expensive.
2) The Macbook trend: I'm not going to outline and complete the Mac vs. PC debate for all time. I've worked long enough at the computer store and have used both enough to know that it's a pointless debate. What I do want to comment about is how it seems that a lot of people who do switch over seems to be swayed over on one facet -- the user-friendliness. I hear so many students, etc, wanting to switch over mainly because of the video chatting/photobooth. Probably only 20-30% of the time do I hear genuine concern or interest about the hardware of the computers.. and it's a little bothering to see people switch over merely because "it's the in thing" or "macs are cuter!". I mean, people forget that Macs are great domestically, but PC still rules internationally (though Apple is improving in that area). It's really funny how so many people have Macs. I think just the other day in Albert's room when we were setting up his birthday present, an HP monitor, it was pointed out how just me and Albert were still PC users, and how the rest, Calvin, Steven, Jon, Justin, etc, were all Mac users. I don't know. I guess it bothers me when people are caught up in trends to the point that they don't even think for themselves, and use the popularity of the trend to barely gloss over details en route to partaking in the trend themselves. :Shrugs:
3) What happened to the iphone? Because it seems that everything is about the blackberry these days. BBM, facebook apps, google map apps, business, type, camera, etc. In the last 6 months, I've probably witnessed at least 10 of my friends switching over. My plan with Verizon is up in March, and naturally, everyone assumes that I, too, will switch over to the blackberry. Again, there are plenty of other great options, one of which I'm considering as my first choice, pending playing around with it in live person at a Verizon store. Personally, I don't really text that much, so a blackberry wouldn't be that necessary. And I would like to stick with Verizon, so switching over to AT&T and the iphone is probably unlikely. What is a possibility, is that, in light of tough economic times, I don't even know if I'm willing to fork out $100+ bucks for a new phone, and pay another $100 or so per month for some expensive plan of which I probably won't take full advantage of. Yes, maybe it's a trend that everyone's following, but, to rephrase an old saying, you wouldn't jump off the bridge if everyone else did, would you?

Stupid Questions? Unnnecessary?
One of my TAs in one of my polisci classes said that "there's no such things as stupid questions"... and I for the most part agree with the spirit of her answer, but disagree with her answer. For the most part, all (serious) questions have merit, but there are a certain breed of questions that are stupid: the UNNECESSARY questions. Case in point, there are certain girls in the said class, that always sit in the front, ask and answer obvious questions, and in general, suck up a lot. In fact, their level of sucking rivals that of black holes. So this past Monday was our review for our midterm tomorrow, and these girls start asking questions about page length, the amount of bluebook pages that equal a great length for an essay.. basically they were nitpicking everything. For the most part, everyone knows that our professor and TA are chill, and knows from quizzes what to expect to write about and in what style to write it in. Knowing that, these girls couldn't stop asking these stupid questions, and I think it'd be fair to say that it wasn't the answers to these questions which were comforting them, but the fact that they were asking these questions at all that comforted them. And therein lies the premise behind UNNECESSARY questions. I don't know if I made much sense, but basically, those girls were annoying. Kudos goes out to the guy who, in mocking those girls, asked the TA [sarcasm]"how many words should our essays be?"[/sarcasm]

Cussing.
I used to cuss. A lot. I think in high school and beginning of college, every other word was a curse word. Obviously, I was lost back then, and a lot of my less-than-admirable traits sprang from lack of a stable walk with God. But yeah, since then, I've definitely grown out of cussing and actually, no longer cuss, period. It's actually at a point now where, once upon a time, I would be comfortable with most forms of cussing, but now, I find it unsettling and awkward. It's funny, at this point in time, it will be very weird/taboo for me to even say "hell" or "damn", just because how my perspectives have changed, relatively speaking. But yeah, back on topic, it's strangely not ALL forms of cussing, just a specific situation. If someone I'm already close/tight with cusses, it's not a biggie, provided that they cuss normally to begin with. However, it is when I encounter people I don't know who cuss that makes things awkward/weird. In this situation, I've realized people cuss for one reason: comfort. Stay with me here. I've noticed that in social situations where people don't know each other or are in awkward situations, they will often resort to cussing. Or in situations where they'd like to give off that "i'm just like anyone else!" vibe, they'll cuss. It's like so many of these people in these situations, for whatever reason, think that cussing is a universal vernacular that will appeal anywhere. I've seen it everywhere - playing sports with people I don't know, customers at work, people I don't know at church/KCM, etc, etc. I don't think I'll ever get why people like this always "appeal" to cussing to bring about a sense of normalcy, because for me, it just makes things awkward. And is cussing really that therapeutic? I mean, thinking about it, over the years, part of the reason why I stopped cussing was that I asked myself, "what's the point? aren't there other ways for me to emphatically express myself?". I also dismiss people that cuss because it's "relieving" or makes them look "hard" or whatever. They're just words and to see them place so much faith and stock into something as stupid as cussing just makes them look stupid.

People's "favorites", cliques.
I think one of the biggest complaints or problems I've run into, or experienced, in any club, church, organization, etc has been the age old issue of cliques, or people having "favorites". Personally, I disdain both these concepts and realities. To some extent, I understand that people have those friends/roommates/etc that they're closer to than others. This is fine, and this is a fact of life. What bothers me is when these relationships become cliquey. At that point, they kind of shut themselves apart from everyone else and make it hard for others to interact with them. I've noticed that these "crews" or "posses" kind of possess this aura about them that screams "we're the shiz" or "you'd be lucky to be a part of our crowd". This has a twofold problem: first, because they set themselves apart and are unwilling to come out of their shells, it kind of obstructs fellowship opportunities, and second, it makes people more concerned about getting to know these kinds of people because of popularity and status rather than because of fellowship. Another occassional problem that arises out of this is, unfortunately, when people feel excluded and end up leaving whatever club/church/etc altogether. When I see the same people always hanging out/driving together/sitting together, and especially in church or KCM when they leave early or arrive late, it bothers me. To a certain extent, I can understand where some people may be coming from; these groups/crews/cliques provide a form of security/comfort. But often, by trying to secure for themselves this comfort, they're often externalizing these "social difficulties" (for lack of a better term) onto several others. I guess this comes a lot from just my personal disdain for clinginess. Like after KCM circle, instead of lounging around with my classmates or roommates, I like going around and talking to everyone around the circle. Having been where they may have been, I just hate people bunching into their comfy cliques and watching newcomers/outsiders/etc squirm and stand there alone. Don't get me wrong.. this isn't me trying to be patronizing or "look at me, i make people feel good", but rather, I'm trying to say that I've been in that position, and I want to do what I can to make sure people don't experience the same things that I did. But yeah, when people are so cliqued up, it makes it hard for me to approach them. It's like they're all connected like tar, and to peel one person away from these crews/posses/cliques to talk with them and get to know them would be something way too troublesome/difficult to do. So I feel like in the end, I feel like both sides lose out. Not only am I not able to talk to any of these people, since they leave/arrive/stick as packs, but they, too, are missing out on meeting people. And I guess an extension of this phenomenon is people playing "favorites". It just bothers me when people have to reinforce/legitimize who they are through who they hang around with or hang onto. In both this case and the case of cliques overall, I just feel that people will be prone to idolizing, become people pleasers and just forgoing the spirit of true fellowship for selfish glory. I mean, it's really annoying, especially at church/KCM to know that there's so many of us that will stick with the 5-10% that we know and forego the opportunity to reach out and get to know the rest of the 90-95% of the constituency. That's a fellowship built on sand and a house divided against itself. And at this point, maybe I'm reading into things a little too much, but I feel like we're all have to offer "something" to be accepted. I feel these days, our personalities and who we are can only go so far, and that it's WHAT we are that attracts people. Maybe if I were taller or buffer or more attractive, or maybe if I were from a certain city or engaged in specific scenes, then more people would talk to me. I don't know, it just seems that so many of us come in life with an unconsciously built in screen test for talking to people.. like someone has to be "cool" enough, attractive enough, popular enough, etc, just to be "worthy" of our time. I wish we could just let go of status, image and just be free of our insecurities and external judgment to just be comfortable in ourselves and in each other to JUST BE REAL. And most of all, I wish I could practice what I preach.

Yeah, that was yet another long post. I feel like I should post frequently and in spurts on specific things rather than waiting and compiling all my thoughts into one weekly looooong post. It would make things a lot easier for me, blogger and my sanity. But yeah, if you read my rant, congratulations.. you probably had a lot of time on your hands.. haha

- BH

A Slumdog Valentine

*Disclaimer - If you thought last week's entry was long, this one's even longer. So read this if you have nothing to do or are taking a long dump. And it's kind of all over the place so please, bear with me*


So, in light of valentine's day, being single, and just having watched Slumdog Millionaire, I was inspired to write this blog entry that I'm sure will be embarrassing, revealing, but mostly just sad. I might call it a "healthy exercise in reflecting on my love life", but for you, the reader, go ahead and feel free to call me "whiny" or "emo", if you want. It's actually kind of funny... I don't know WHY I'm writing at all, but I just feel that I should. But yeah, as you read, you may feel like laughing but at the same time feeling that you shouldn't. If yo ufeel this way, just react freely... I myself don't know whether to be sad for myself, laugh at my self or whatever.

So last night, I finally watched Slumdog Millionaire. After all the hype, hoopla and hollering about the movie, I would say I was fairly impressed by the movie. On a scale of 1 to 10, the hype built it up to about a 9.5, but for me, I would rate it at about 9.0... definitely a great movie, but nothing that permanently/amazingly moved me. But yeah, moving on, lest this post becomes a movie review... what I was getting at was the story of the movie, which I would say is the love story between Jamal and Latika. Basically through all the plotlines (Who Wants to be a Millionaire, flashbacks, etc) is the central plotline of Jamal looking and chasing Latika. If any of you are fobby enough to get the reference (and I hope you do), essentially Jamal was Latika's "Flowerpot" or as Alex would put it, "Hwabun".

The reason why I mention this part of the movie is that, insofar as the love story is the crux of the movie, I was rather unmoved by it. Normally, love stories like these would definitely get me, and I would really fall in love with the premises. Normally, I'd be the guy that would be a sucker for these hopeful, if not idealistic, plotlines. I don't know why this change occurred, but I can definitely say it's occurred just recently, which brings me to my next thoughts on the current status of things as well as a reflection of my overall approach/thoughts when it comes to love life/girls.

So I mentioned previously that several friends, fellow seniors, whatever you want to call them, have entered into relationships in recent times. And previously, I wrote about how I was simply happy for them, excited to see great Christ-centered relationships blossoming and that it had no bearing on my personal well-being and whatnot. For some reason, nowadays, I feel differenlty about it. Not that I'm beginning to be jealous of them or antagonistic towards them, but the urgency of the times have been getting to me. Growing up through junior high and high school, all I heard was about how many people's significant others were their "high school sweethearts". Going through college the last 4 years, I heard about how even more people, if not in high school, definitely meet their sweethearts in college. But here I am, 3 months away from graduation, and facing my next part of life, the post-college, unemployed life, that promises little, if any, chances to meet someone. As I enter my 20s, having been single the entire way through, I can't help but wonder how God will eventually bring me to marriage. Having been single and never the one someone's had "feelings for", I don't know how I'm going to get married. I've been so accustomed to this way of life that it's like, I'd be surprised at this point if I WERE to meet someone. Now, I don't want anyone to take from what I've written so far to be a sign of my being desperate or going e-harmony, but these are things to take note of. College is a place where, for 4 years, you're surrounded by peers. Post college is a place where, for however long, you're studying/working/looking for jobs either living on your own or living back home. As I'm in between the two, I'm not sure what to feel about my relationship status at this point in time. But I guess all I can do is do as Asaph in Psalm 77, and in times of uncertainties just appeal to what God has done in the past.

For so long, I've always desired a girlfriend. To be sure, my reasons and motives have evolved and matured throughout my life. On one level, it's simple why I have this desire: I've been single all my life. On one level, at the risk of sounding sappy, I do desire that physical companionship: holding hands, hugging, etc. On a deeper level, I do desire that spiritual companionship as well. Obviously all these things come from my speculations, and not experience. But still, the fact that I could be with someone that would be there for me, and I for them, rain or shine, is something that captivates me. But therein may lie the rub: am I more captivated by the concept or the actual person? And that's a genuine issue I've encountered in recent years.

If I had to describe the history of my love life, I would describe it with a single analogy: it's like a lifetime constipation. Essentially, in both this analogy and my love life, it's been the same story of me pushing and trying hard to no avail. It's a delicate balance. On the one hand, I don't want to be crazy and be a girl-chaser, but on the other hand, I don't want to be stupid and lazy and say to myself "God will provide!" and do nothing about it. I mean, perhaps this reason is exactly why I've been single all my life. It's definitely possible that all these endeavors and whatnot have always come within the framework of my selfish desires for companionship, rather than from a genuine desire to glorify God through a healthy, pure and spiritual relationship. It used to be worse actually. In the past, in approaching girls, I definitely used to have a "pre-screening" concept built in where I would approach (or not) or show interest (or not) purely depending on my attraction to them. On a sillier level, my first impressions when meeting a girl for the first time would always relate to whether or not I saw them as GF material. The funniest and most pathetic part of all this, in my opinion, is that I'm making it seem like I have such a detailed process and even a line of people who I would think would be a possible GF, and yet I have nothing to show for it except rhetoric and excuses. The worst part about all this is that this chase for a GF I've been on, up until the last month or two, has definitely damaged, if not broken, friendships I've had with people... Out of my selfish desires for a GF, I've often neglected what's proper and good for the girls I've encountered in the past and only regarded what I've wanted. This very fact has been the sole cause in my decision to stop chasing and letting God will me. Honestly, sometimes I would act as if KCM stood for "Korean Chicks for Me", judging by my conduct in the past. But yeah, because of recent sour experiences that broke the last straw, I've realized how detrimental my bad habits in this area of life has been to my friendships with these people, my walk with God and my own personal satisfaction. In concluding my thoughts here, it wasn't me saying "okay, I don't want a GF anymore", but rather relenting, "I do want it to happen, but only out of God's will and good timing". As Pastor Mike mentioned this past Thursday at Sister's Appreciation Night, the sisters are ALL daughters of God, so who am I to decide who is and isn't "worthy" of befriending?

Let's explore my history with girls. (It will ironically be a long history, albeit full of failures). And don't ask me why I seem to remember every failure at relationships... I just do. Let's break it down by school levels, starting with elementary school. (And no, I will not name names). In 2nd grade, well, I had just moved from Korea, so I couldn't even tell a girl I liked her, even if I wanted to. So epic fail for my love life started immediately. In 3rd grade, the only way I could communicate with the girl that I liked was by passing post-it notes during class, and lining up next to her at the handball courts, and even then, I was just too shy to do anything. In 4th grade, I actually sat by the girl that I liked, and although I tried to play it off as a joke (quite unconvincingly, might I add), my accidental farting (it was like a subwoofer) in class was my undoing in my chances with this girl. In 5th and 6th grade, I think I liked the same girl. I was actually, relatively speaking, pretty successful. After working hard, hoping for the best and asking her friends to put in a good word for me, she said that if there were a dance at the science camp we'd be going to during 6th grade, she would go with me, albeit just as friends. But yeah, there ended up being no dance, and she ended up dating another guy in junior high the next year.

Speaking of junior high, it was a peculiar time. Relationships at this juncture consisted of maybe "dating" once a month, but mostly consisted of two kids liking each other, holding hands and the guy walking the girl to class. But you know what? I wanted that, and wanted to participate it all that, I'll admit it. But yeah, through junior high, there was this one girl I liked. She was in my homeroom both years. 7th grade was about getting to know her, and 8th grade was when I went for the jugular, so to speak, and asked her "out". A phone conversation later that night resulted in my first success when she said "let's give it (a relationship) a try". But as is often the case with my life, there was a quick about-face the next day when she changed her mind. After this, there was a random love letter in my locker that, to this day, I still don't know whether or not it was a joke or serious. One thing is for sure... I, quite sadly, kept that love note in my wallet for the next 3 years. I still think, to this day, it was one of the most pathetic things I have done in my life. But yeah, junior high ended with the junior high "prom". My friends and I all, obviously, went stag. I think the junior high prom culminated with my friends and I sitting at the tables in the auditorium watching all the couples dance to O-Town's "All or Nothing". We then proceeded to ditch the dance to go play Diablo II and Counter Strike at "The Pit", our local PC Bang at the time.

High school was a place where the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. Freshman year, I obviously, liked yet another girl. I forgot what class she was in... all I remember was this was right around the time when my flirting, for some reason, started to express itself in forms of teasing, making fun, etc, a style which I'm still trying to change to this very day. Quite uncharacteristic of myself, I actually boldly asked her to homecoming that year... I don't know if her excuse was truthful or not, but she said she would go but she had prior engagements for homecoming night. And I don't know if this was her intention or not, but when I asked for her screen name (AIM used to be even bigger back in the day), she gave me her screen name except the part that was supposed to be "krn" was replaced with "azn"... (I miss the days of stereotypical screen names). Anyways, this endeavor ran its course when I committed the ultimate "sin", so to speak, of when I declared my feelings to her ONLINE. I don't even need to describe what the result of that was. Sophomore year was another year, but another chance. This new girl was in my history class, and she was very cute and very nice. The year before, freshmen year, she had dated a guy whom I always dismissed as a prettyboy/player type, and quite frankly, whom I was glad she no longer dated. But yeah, we began talking and getting to know each other and obviously the same cycle started again... except this time, the result was actually positive, at least initially. In fact, during my "courtship", if you will, one of her friends messaged me on AIM and told me how much she reciprocated my feelings. Of course, this only served to lead me astray, enlarge my hubris and thereby make my fall that much more tragic. But anyways, that year, my sophomore year, which was 2002 or 2003, was when the first Spider-Man movie came out. I asked her out to see the movie and she said yes. I bought her flowers and later that same day, I went to go buy the tickets to the movie on presale. On the day of, I was chilling with some of my junior high friends and for some reason, she wasn't giving me a call that she said she would make. A couple of hours passed and still no call. After trying to reach her countless times, her "cousin" answered and simply told me she couldn't go anymore on the date. I still have no idea who any of these people were, but yeah, that's what happened. I guess you could say that I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. But yeah, essentially I stopped talking to her for over a year out of bitterness/immaturity, but we eventually made peace. I've gone on since that point to merely writing about these things in blogs and still festering in the same old, same old. I believe she's gone on since to become hotter, more popular and even a part time model. Good for her! But yeah, my next year, junior year, believe it or not, was one rare year in which there was no interest. It was a pretty lackluster year for the most part. Senior year was like that too, although my 1.5 years of peace & quiet in between sophomore year and high school prom was shattered by what transpired in the weeks leading up to my senior prom (which I did NOT attend). Basically the short story is that I asked one girl to prom already only because the girl I REALLY wanted to ask had been asked by someone else. The latter rejected the guy that asked her. Her friends told me to ask her in light of the fact that she would go with me to prom if I asked her. I then had my friend go to prom with the girl I originally asked. Now at this point, I, being the clueless moron that I was, and to a lesser extent, still am, took this girl's (and I'm referring at this point and beyond, exclusively the girl I actually wanted to go with) willingness to go to prom with me to mean, somehow, that she liked me. Leave it up to me to take an ideal situation and totally destroy it, haha. Anyways, what happened was I bought her flowers to give to her the next school day, but the only issue was that in between those two events (flowers and school next day), I found out from her friend that she would/could no longer go to prom. After giving her the flowers the next day amidst many good natured, but uninformed "awws" and "congratulations", I gave her a few phone calls, which in retrospect, that I agree was a little too much, freaky, obsessive, scary... which is exactly what she told our mutual friend, who then relayed this revelation to me, to more or less, keep my distance. Anyways, since these events, I have not talked to this girl.

Now, as for my college endeavors, I'm going to be even more generic about it. But before I get into it, I hope the 2-3 people that are reading it don't think of this as me ranting, or God forbid, slandering against anyone. Although implicit, I hope it's clear that I'm trying to, rather sardonically, reflect on my "love" life and remark at all its ups and downs, with a special emphasis on the latter. But continuing on, I wanted to note how it was college that began to mark a change in why I was interested in that all precious female companionship. Simply put, I grew up. As I entered college, I had grown out of that innocent, shy boyhood crushes that I experienced in elementary school, and also grown out (for the most part ) of that holding hands/superficiality that I sought after in junior high and high school. Entering into college, joining KCM, and eventually returning to church and in effect, rediscovering my walk with God, I began to see girls not for these former misconceptions which I distanced myself from, but rather for a deeper, spiritual connection. It's no surprise that the couple of girls I have been interested in college couldn't be more different from the girls I was involved with before college... but it's also no surprise that my bad luck would continue in college. My first year, freshman year, it was at Frosh accountability where I met an awesome sister. Mature, strong and attractive, she stood out to me in a way where no other girl had in my mind at that point. However, this fairy tale ended before it could began when I found out soon after that she was already dating someone, older. My sophomore year was uneventful. But last year, my junior year, was anything BUT uneventful. I first met "her" at the first general meeting of the school year, and for the most part, she wasn't anything but a new face, a new acquaintance, etc. But yeah, one day, probably in September or early October, I bumped into her on Trousdale. It was about 4 pm and we started making somewhat of a smalltalk. That smalltalk on Trousdale went on for almost about 2 hours. Then afterwards, we went to eat/talk at EVK till 10 pm, closing time. Eventually, when we hung out once more, and as I was dropping her off, I asked her out, to which she said yes. Now bear with me the monumentality of this moment. History had shown that normal responses to my asking someone out had usually been some variant of "no" or "sorry, but...". With my lack of experience and just general moronicness (*salutes* General Moronicness!), I blew up her simple "yes" to mean so much more than that. Our first hang out, she kept reiterating about defining things, approaching things in relation to finding out whether a relationship was possible, etc, etc. Obviously, had I been any normal person, I could have saved a lot of trouble and embarrassment by simply agreeing with her and replying "oh yes, let's just let things happen and we'll see if a relationship is somewhere we'll head towards". Obviously, I was anything but a normal/sane person. I thought, by virtue of her saying "yes", I had already finished, that we were something, when in reality, all she said "yes" to was trying to see if we had a chance at becoming something. This was the experience in which I had to ask to hold hands, and other things that should go unstated. But yeah, needless to say, this miscommunication and moronic assumptions on my part ended in failure, obviously, and regrettably a damaged friendship. That was about it for junior year. However, I'm ashamed to admit that even to this school year, my senior year, I still have another sour experience to frown about. I met girl at KCM chapel. I met her again at UR. I start having awesome/deep/long conversations on AIM and start getting the wrong idea. We hung out at the local mall. I visit her once more when her school starts. But one wrong move built on completely unfounded assumptions on my part just ruined everything. In my, to be blunt, selfish quest for a relationship, it totally dawned on me that I should have been looking for ways to glorify God with the friendship that was always there rather than trying to turn it into a relationship that maybe wasn't meant to be.

But yeah, getting back to my earlier points: I'm not gonna lie... I'm very bad with females, and even worse with relationships. Do anything out of the norm, and I'll get the wrong idea. My heart will jump on anything and anyone that shows any sort of interest or compassion. In fact, I think much of my endeavors, and consequent failures, have come from the fact that I, out of desperation or whatever, will take things out of context or read into things too much. Honestly, this bad habit makes me disgusted with myself. If any girl starts showing any closeness, flirtation or whatever kind of interest, I will take off and draw a million conclusions, of which ALL are unjustified, unfounded or exaggerations, at best. Maybe I should move into a monastery. But yeah, I don't know anything about DTRing, probabaly because I've never reached that stage. In my lack of experience, but mostly awkwardness, I've had to ask if it was okay to hold hands. Whatever implicit aspects or nuances of dating or whatever that should remain unstated; I've either blurted out or even remain unaware of. For me, I still have trouble differentiating between dating, seeing someone, and being in a relationship. It's all too confusing and makes things even harder for me. I've always thought things were simpler: two people like each other, they link up, and progress from there. All these institutional and formal concepts an dpractices are confusing and for me, I feel like they cloud what should be the driving force in relationships. On the other hand, maybe when you're in the situation/relationship, all these "concepts and practices" aren't rigid, but occur naturally. On another note, it's really frustrating when I start trying harder just because of my level of attraction to someone, instead of letting these friendships come naturally. So as a result when I try too hard, I end up feeling like I lied to myself and feel like a fool. It's funny how unoriginal/limited my daydreams are. I daydream about either having a GF or being an NBA superstar... sadly nothing else. But yeah, I really am bad with these relationship type deals. i don't really know how to go about making things happen. I mean, are things so natural that going out, entering a realtionship and all that jazz all occur naturally? Or does it start with me trying to do things and over time it snowballing into something concrete? And being the guy, the agressor, the initiator, etc, makes things even tougher, especially when you're a dude like me: a dude that's unsure, unexperienced, clumsy, awkward, but, just to balance things out, a dude who's also earnest and hopefully genuine. I don't know. I don't know how to go about doing anything; I don't ahve experience to bank on, and I'm graduating in mere months. What am I supposed to do?

In reflecting on my experiences with the feamle half of the human race as well as Pastor Mike's recent sermon on 1 Tim 5:1-2, I've realized how fleeting, deceitful and displeasing my actions, intentions and words are and have become to myself, friends, family and God. I feel as though my shutting up would do more good than if I kept talking. Honestly, looking at my history of failures with girls, there are more recurring themes beyond just rejection. There are repeating themes of myselfishness and superficiality in thinking with the eyes first, there is the repeating theme of my selfishness for a relationship stunting the growth or even detroying burgeoning friendships, and there is the theme of my feeling all kinds of stupid. Just when I thought I meant what I said, and said what I meant, God has revealed yet again the wickedness that is my heart. I think Isaiah put it best when he said:

"Woe is me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips..." (Isaiah 6:5)

- BH

random musings..

*Warning: This is a pretty loooong entry, so be forewarned*

I've realized that throughout college, the most common comment I've received from others is "You're weird!", "You're so weird", etc, etc. I've come to realize that, indeed, I am very idiosyncratic and have particular "things" about myself that would lead people to make those comments. But more so than that, I've come to feel recently that I don't like that comment. I mean, first off, who wants to be called "weird"? After all, it's not a word that carries the most positive connotation.. people don't call others "weird" because they want to compliment them and honor them, but because something about that person gives them some sort of feeling of "what the heck? they're kind of...". I don't know why I am the way I am, but it is just the way I am. I guess that for me, if I were to act like everyone else, and engage in conversations normally, follow protocol like everyone else in different facets of life, I wouldn't feel like I was being true to myself.

Seriously though. When people tell me that I'm weird, am I supposed to say "why, thanks!" and take it as a compliment? How am I supposed to react? When people say these things, they leave me in an awkward position.. am I supposed to be grateful for that comment, or am I supposed to apologize for it? I don't know if they say it because they think it's funny that I'm weird, or they are put off by my behavior. I'll never know, and I don't care to investigate further. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I feel that when people say that to me, most of the time, it's them being condescending/patronizing about it.. like when they say it, whether they admit it or not, I feel that there is some deep/subconscious level of them elevating themselves above me when they say it. Like when they tell me "you're weird!", I feel like they're saying that "you're weird and you belong in this section of whatever, but since I'm normal, I can just make these comments and laugh on with my life".

Everyone has idiosyncrasies.. it's just a matter of whether you choose to live it out or not. Everyone is "weird" and "unique" in some respect.. it's the way God makes them. But yeah, another big thing that bothers me about when people make that comment is, I feel like people just see me as the "weird/funny" guy and dismiss any possibility of the rest of me. It's not that I'm bothered by what they're thinking of me, necessarily, but it bothers me that people can be close-minded and label people as certain things and not think about these people as wholes.. like for me, there is more of me and I feel that (and maybe, in the end, I'm just reading too much into things) with that single sentence, "you're weird", they're dismissing the rest of me.



Speaking of which, in "the rest of me", I think it clearly ties to an issue of recognition. All people, in some way, want their whole beings, achievements, whatever to be recognized. It's just who we are as people and who we are as prideful sinners. It can apply to anything that we do, but it applies especially to our spiritual lives. Prayer, fasting, reading of the word, evangelizing (bringing the lost to Christ), etc.. when we do these things, we want some form of external recognition for these things. I know I do. For me, the biggest reason why I struggle with this issue is that by people recognizing these achievements, etc, I feel that my status and reputation will be affirmed. When people see me praying, reading, or reaching out to people, they'll say "wow, that's great dedication, etc, etc, brian!" and I will feel that my status as a good Christian will be affirmed. When I do these things in secret or hidden from public venue, I will struggle with the question, "is anyone going to know what I'm doing at this moment?". For me, in my struggles, I struggle with the fact that I can do these things humbly and in secret, but if no one ever knows about it, people won't ever see me as anything other than that "weird/funny" guy, something which is the root of my problem with pride, recognition, etc. But then, I remembered a couple of books I've read in the past...

Back in sophomore year, for DT, we read The Spirit of the Disciplines by USC's own Dallas Willard. The main chunk in the middle of the book dealt with Willard listing out 10 or so disciplines, and organizing them under either "disciplines of engagement" or "disciplines of abstinence", the meaning of which are pretty obvious. Under his "disciplines of abstinence" was the discipline of secrecy. Here are just a few excerpts from that section of the book:

"In the discipline of secrecy [...] we abstain from causing our good deeds and qualities to be known. [...] To help us lose or tame the hunger for fame, justification, or just the mere attention of others, we will often need the help of grace. But as we practice this discipline, we learn to love to be unknown and even to accept misunderstanding without the loss of our peace, joy, or purpose"

"One of the greatest fallacies of our faith, and actually one of greatest acts of unbelief, is the thought that our spiritual acts and virtues need to be advertised to be known."

"Secrecy right practiced enables us to place our public relations department entirely in the hands of God, who lit our candles so we could be the light of the word, not so we could hide under a bushel (Matt. 5:14-16). We allow him to decide when our deeds will be known and when our light will be noticed."

"Secrecy at its best teaches love and humility before God and others. And that love and humility encourages us to see our associates in the best possible light, even to the point of our hoping they will do better and appear better than us."

Another book I read in the past, The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, addressed similar issues. He epically dedicates about half the book breaking down Jesus' sermon on the mount, and one of the sections based on Matthew 6, he organized as the section on "Of the Hidden Character of the Christian Life". Some of the excerpts:

"The better righteousness of the disciples must have a motive which lies beyond itself. Of course it has to be visible, but they must take care that it does not become visible simply for the sake of becoming visible."

"...the visiblity is never an end in itself; and if it becomes so we have lost sight of our primary aim, which is to follow Jesus."

"The first question to ask is: From whom are we to hide the visiblity of our discipleship? [...] We are to hide it from ourselves. [...] We must be unaware of our own righteousness, and see it only in so far as we look unto Jesus; then it will seem not extraordinary, but quite ordinary and natural."

"According to the word of Jesus it cannot be otherwise: the Christian is a light unto the world, not because of any quality of his own, but only because he follows Christ and looks solely to him."

"All that the follower of Jesus has to do is to make sure that his obedience, following and love are entirely spontaneous and unpremeditated. If you do good, you must not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, you must be quite unconscious of it. Otherwise you are simply displaying your own virtue, and not that which hsa its source in Jesus Christ. Christ's virtue, the virtue of discipleship, can only be accomplished so long as you are entirely unconscious of what you are doing. The genuine work of love is always a hidden work."

"If we want to know our own goodness or love, it has already ceased to be love."

"...if we become conscious of our hidden virtue, we are forging our own reward, instead of that which God had intended to give us in his own good time."

I guess to start another topic, this would be a good time to update you all on my missions status. Having had dinner with Pastor Dave, I came out of it understanding that my desire to go back out this summer needed a direction, a conviction, if you will. I think that I ultimately realized that I have short and long term goals that I feel would be accomplished by going back out this summer: the short term being that I would get to go on missions, the long term being that I would really get to analyze this time around, more so than my first, if missions is a real possibility for me in the future or long term. The fact is, I do want to go for God's glory, but I understand that it can't be directionless, but at this point, I do feel as though I know in which direction I want this summer to point me towards.

I actually started thinking about KCM missions back in December, and it was after much contemplation and prayer when I decided to tenatitvely tell my family of my possibly going back out again, which was beginning of the new year. After this past Chapel, right when I got back home, I told my dad that I was pretty sure/confirming that I would be going back out this summer. Now, it's not that he disagreed and opposed my going out, and in fact, he said he would support me, but that he was worried by me being youthful and so singularly focused, I could be missing out on other opportunities (securing a job, internship, building my resume, etc). Of course, with a language barrier, I totally misunderstood and took his opinions to mean that he was opposed completely, and there was some misdirected anger from my part. Point is, I realized that, more so than what he was saying, it was the fact that he was talking and worrying that made me realize the importance of going on missions this summer in a way that glorifies God AND honors my dad. Practically speaking, it shouldn't be that hard.. there are connections everywhere, I do have every month except one to look for a job/internship, etc. But most importantly, I do feel that shoud I go back out, God would definitely provide, and that in the long run, that one month will be better spent overseas rather than looking for a job that I'm going to quit in less than a year right before I go to law school. But yes.. prayer I desperately need.

Lastly, having talked to one of the STSM directors at Chapel (I won't mention his name just in case), it seems that 5 team leaders have been asked (still pending approval from steering core) and that the 5 countries which was tenatively listed are all confirmed at this point. The fact that these developments are already this far along, in addition to the country preferences being on the actual application this year, makes me think that teams would be announced earlier than it was in previous years. It also makes my first choice of Japan more of a sure thing, now that I don't have to worry about whether it will be available when all is said and done. But yeah, I feel like there is going to be a lot of trainees this summer, almost akin to STSM 2k6. A lot of familiar faces from past STSMs are going back out, as well as a lot of new faces. I really look forward to everything that God has planned for STSM 2k9, as these familiar feelings of excitement and anxiousness begin to bubble up inside of me.


Even though Valentine's Day is not for another couple of days, apparently Cupid couldn't hold back his arrows. In the past few weeks, many friends and acquaintances, mostly fellow seniors, have entered into relationships. I'm sure many of you know which people I'm referring to.. but yes, in the past few weeks, I've seen 4-5+ couples forming, all people that I've come to regard as close friends. It's funny that, right after I vowed to stop being obsessed with finding a girlfriend, that all this matchmaking should take place. But in honesty, I'm very happy for all of them. I don't see any of their relationships being formed "just because" or for shallow reasons, but rather being formed by a divine connection. It's just funny that many of these couples are seniors, and it makes me wonder whether this being our last year in college, etc, made them more antsy or anxious about finding someone. But yeah, as this has been occurring, it's just reminded me more of my bachelorhood, but at the same time, it's actually reaffirmed my stance of not forcing the issue in finding a significant other. While it seems like everyone else is pairing up and holding hands, I realize that, and God bless all of them, they're not me. I can only do what I can and leave it up to God, be happy for my fellow brothers and sisters who have found their "other", and just proceed with my life, not being entangled by any fits of jealousy or emo. haha.


If any of you read this entire entry.. congratulations. I'll give you a handshake or something.


- BH

nothing in particular..

so i finally got my new car this past saturday. a brand new black nissan sentra 2008. it's very comfortable and enjoyable, and although i'm a little disconcerted by the facts that cars don't even come with keys anymore, it makes everything easier and convenient i guess. but yeah, as for the ordeal, it took a while.. we got to the nissan dealership at around 1 pm and left around 4:30 pm or so. this venture mainly consisted of paperwork and waiting for my car to get serviced (car wash by hand and filling up on gas).

the strange thing is that i didn't really see anything that lent credence to the stereotype car salesman. the only time it did feel that way, as i recall, was when i was in the financing dude's office. if i had to describe it, i felt like i was in the principal's office to be disciplined.. it felt like i was being told my list of mistakes and citations, and that the only way out of them was to sign up for their "gap insurance" and "warranty". so it wasn't really the actual salesman but the financing people that reeked of that craftiness normally associated with the "salesman" archetype.

so yeah, i've enjoyed having my new car. when people get new toys or possessions, etc, we all like to play around with it in the beginning, especially if it's something like a car. the only downsides are the precautions i have to take, which are twofold: first, because it's a black car, i'll have to wash it often, and second, because it's a new car, i must be extra careful when parking/driving so that i won't carelessly get scratches, etc on it. in a way, when i had my old beat up camry, it was easier driving it around knowing that i didn't have to be so ginger/conservative driving it around, since it was already scratched up, etc.

school is pretty good. i don't think i've mentioned it before, but i'm taking two political science courses (European Thought II and Sex Power & Politics, both by the same professor) as well as a music class for fun (Hip Hop Music & Culture). the euro thought polisci class isn't too bad.. readings are, for the most part, interesting and engaging, though the time of the class (10 am) is a bit too early for my liking. as for my second polisci class, i don't know what it is about gender/sex studies or relations classes and girls, but the former sure attracts a lot of the latter. i think in my class of 50-60, there's probably only about 8-10 guys, at most. kind of feels like im walking into an amazonian forest everytime i go to class. last class is pretty interesting too, we basically learn about the history of hip hop and just trace the origins of DJing, sampling, lyrical content, etc. and get to listen to songs throughout hip hop's history. This is really great because I can actually discover old-school artists and check their stuff out like Kurtis Blow, Afrika Badfafndnanttee (i forgot the spelling), etc.

so, just to update.. working out and dieting are continuing on, and i'm slowly but surely regaining my wind as i work my way back up to my normal running routine. and though the results aren't as obvious as i make it out to be, one must remember that the first step towards becoming thin is mental -- thinking you're thinner. it actually helps.

as for my fast on thursday, all went well. surprisingly God was able to sustain me from whatever I had the day before and for the most part, I wasn't really hungry that day. Of course, the reason why I decided to fast was not because i wanted to abstain from food, but to really stretch myself and seek God (in prayer, in the word, etc) for refuge. I think it was a success on that front because my readings and prayers were very productive and managed to make my hunger subside and leave me in a content state of mind. another reason why i decided to fast was that thursdays are coincidentally kcm general meetings, and i thought that by fasting, pastor mike's sermons would be that much more savored and appreciated. and to that end, that is exactly how i reacted.. his sermon was a great reminder about how often we take grace for granted and exercise cheap grace rather than costly grace, which reminds me a lot about what i read from Bonhoeffer.

finally, tonight i just had dinner with pastor dave, mostly to get his thoughts on his experiences in china and india missions, as i'm deciding about where i want to go, as the deadline approaches. in short, i went into dinner tonight with japan/china and then uganda as my top choices, but afterwards, they changed to japan, uganda and china/india. another thing i picked up on was that, especially as a multi-timer on STSM, i really lacked direction in my convictions on going overseas. yes, i have desire and the right motivation, but it was this big ball of energy that really was directionless, and i think, especially as a returning trainee, God needs to really reveal to me why I'm going... so just when I thought my application was complete, I now need to re-read and change some answers.. it's a good thing the application isn't due for another month!


i'm getting tired, and i haven't even updated my other/lakers blog yet. anyways, thanks for reading and i hope you didn't feel like you wasted time haha.

- BH