I've been called a lot of things throughout the years, such as awkward, weird, fat, but one label that has resounded with me for some reason has been "loner". Although I was called that within a joking context, I thought it hit the nail right on the head. And for me, I think this is where my awkwardness and weirdness stems from: my refusal to understand and "play along" with social conventions and norms. Now before I rant on, I know all too well that I'm prone to overtalking and overtyping, so I've decided to split this exploration, deep-drilling root canal if you will, of how I think, into two parts: this first part focusing more on a social basis, and the second/concluding part on an intellectual/spiritual/philosophical basis. This first part will probably do a lot of bullet point examples and touch the surface while the second part gets into the intellectual/spiritual basis for why that is the case. So with that said, let's dive right into it..
One of my least favorite things is bumping into people. The way my mind works is that the only sort of meeting that works, are meetings that are arranged. I guess it's because I have a one-track mind that I prefer arranged meetings, but whatever the case, when I bump into someone, I am totally and terribly awkward and forced in these situations.. it's like a train wreck waiting to happen. Whether it's the Albertson's at Amerige or the gas station on Rosecrans and Beach, I've intentionally avoided people. I only want to shop for my food or get gas, and if/when I bump into people, I'm almost always unprepared for it. And when this encounter becomes something you have to overthink about and even force, then it's not even worth it anymore, then you're just merely doing what is the social norm, and at that point, any encounter just loses the heart and meaning that you'd want it to have. In summary, then, I find these random encounters with friends/acquaintances awkward, these things then become forced, and I avoid these because I'd rather be intentional and cherish arranged/planned meetings. Interestingly enough, I've found that there are a lot of people who go through the same motions, but I think a difference is that they struggle with this with acquaintances (or even strangers!) they had a class with 2 years ago or a project a semester ago whereas I struggle with this with people I'd consider more than acquaintances.
Another thing I never got, and even have been annoyed by, was certain people's insistence on always having to hang out with people. And this is where, again, I stand in stark contrast to them, because I'm completely comfortable being alone. Not that I hate being with people or that I am a misanthrope, but I'll have fun hanging out as much as I would if I were chilling on the computer all day listening to music alone at home. I would say that I'm an extreme introvert when home alone, but that when I'm with good friends, I'm an extreme extrovert. Please excuse any sense of arrogance (which is completely unintended) but at times, I can be the center of attention in joking around, making people laugh. But on the flip side, later that day, I may avoid the market or gym (which has happened before) simply because I want to avoid the crowdedness.
One of the more humbling and saddening things about this "loner" mindset are the thoughts and skewed abstract thoughts when it comes to friendship. Lately, I've been considering the movie "I Love You, Man" in which the protagonist doesn't have a best friend. And I've been feeling like I do not have a best friend either. This should all be prefaced with the fact that I value all of my friends equally, but that it is the nature of my mindset that prevents me from having that lone confidant that I can call upon above others as "my best friend". I guess it's because I see everyone and their friendships as flawed, including myself and my relationships. I may be close with my friends from elementary, jr high and high school, but, for example, they may not be christian, which prevents me from opening up to them and relating to them completely. Then there may be friends from church, college, KCM, etc, but even there, there seems to be something missing. To make a long story short (I can write a whole blog entry on this if I want), I feel like especially with KCM, the fact that everyday is something and you're always in that circle/bubble tends to create a manufactured atmosphere where sure, you are great friends with everyone, but if you think about it, you would either be great friends or total enemies with people you see all the time. I guess for me, I see life as a sequence of stages, and that things move on and part ways all the time, including friendships. Part II of this entry should dive deeper into the reasons for why I think this way.
One of the biggest misconceptions that I've fallen into due to my mindset, but now am praying to overcome is the myth that you can "love" someone, but you don't have to "like" them. I think that there are a lot of us who have overcome personal dissatisfaction/dislike/awkwardness/etc with others by "justifying" that, "sure, we may not get along with them, but as long as we love them as brothers and sisters in Christ, that's what counts". I thought this way too. Once upon a time, when I subscribed to this myth, my justification was that we can appreciate and love one another as children of God, and that was more than enough to offset any lack of chemistry or personal friendliness between individuals. Suffice it to say, I realized that it is no love at all, especially a Christ-centered love, if we're just THINKING we love them, and not actively VERBALLY/ACTUALLY loving them. I know that sounds so obvious, but there are so many people that have fallen into this myth that need to reconsider their mentality. Whether it's pride, laziness or something else, if Christ loved those that hated and persecuted Him, especially considering that we are all terrible sinners, why shouldn't we DO LIKEWISE with the people in our lives? You know, maybe that weird guy at KCM that just started coming out but doesn't really know anyone so you avoid him.. or the newcomer at church who has a "rep" you overheard about via gossip. The greatest commandment is to love God with all our hearts, souls and minds, clearly. But the second is to love our neighbors as ourselves... There's clearly a disconnect between the examples set forth by these commandments and the shabby lives we try to justify with a patchwork of excuses. The worst part is, a lot of us know, but we just don't want to try to change.
Much more ranting still to come.
