random musings pt 2

in an effort to maintain sanity for whoever reads this, as well as out of my current laziness, i'll quickly (bullet point style) mention a variety of topics that have been on my mind lately..

- is it just me, or do any of you guys deal with the pride issue of being the first (either in general or in a specific group)? like when i'm the first to find a show (in my case shows like chuck, himym), or a movie (random/great korean movies), or a book (watchmen), or a band (too many to list), or, or a restaurant (kogi taco truck), it'll kill me when i tell people about it, and don't get the credit. but if i go the other way and don't tell people about it, they'll find out eventually, and that'll probably annoy me too. a similar "peeve" i guess, is when i know for a fact when i've told someone a fact, and they come back like a few days or even a week or two later, mention the fact offhand, and completely forget the source.

- i've realized more and more the paradoxical nature of my sociableness. in public, i'm pretty extroverted, cracking jokes, talking with people, having a good time, etc. however, i've realized that in private, or when i'm alone or back home or at my apartment, i'm completely the opposite. for me, i enjoy being alone. it gives me the comfort of not having to deal with anyone/anything, and just being left alone to think, read, listen to music, watch movies, etc on my own. it's extremely refreshing. in fact, whereas many people i know like hanging out, i would be just as good spending a friday night alone, watching movies/shows and chilling on my computer. i'm sure there are some technical psychological mumbo jumbo that would define my situation, but yeah, that's just how i feel. to wrap this thought up, what's really weird is that i can't remember the last time i felt lonely.

- it's official. natasha bedingfield's "pocketful of sunshine" is the most annoying song i've ever heard. i don't know what it is, the fact that i hear/see it everywhere like the casino commercial, the annoying melody, the annoying vocals, the annoying lyrics, or the annoying composition. if i were to choose between listening to this or beyonce/sasha vujacic fierce's "single ladies", i'd break a thermometer, drain the mercury into my ear canal, pop an arsenic pill and jump off a burning bridge on fire into a lake of hornets.

- it bugs me whenever i'm in a group/social setting in which i'm talking to people, and i'll notice one person in that setting/group whispering something to the person next to them. it's minorly related to a sense of uneasiness that they may be talking about me, but the major thing that bugs me is that it's not a very edifying habit. it's like, what can't you share out loud that you have to tell in secret? it always comes off to me as secretive, deceptive and even slanderous. readers -- correct me if i'm wrong.

- on the subject of peeves, i've come to realize i highly dislike naps. i don't like taking them myself, and i get annoyed when i see people taking them during the middle of the day. for me, i feel like it's such a waste of time, and that the 2-3 hours you spend sleeping could be WAY BETTER spent on something more fruitful. i just feel like some people sleep their days away and let them go to waste.

- thrice is already writing their new stuff, and rumor is that they maybe ready to record stuff earlier than expected. at the very least, they're probably going to have at least a song or two ready for bamboozle.

- and what's with the new craze of twitter? thrice started using twitter to give in-studio updates through it, and kogi taco truck started using it too. and all i'm aware that it does is give you moment by moment updates. are people today really that impatient? can't we just stick with using a date-by-date calendar?

- i would really like to expand on this later, but it's just so weird (but natural at the same time) how the bulk of our social interactions, especially at church or KCM, occur through insulting/making fun of one another, especially when it comes to relations with the opposite sex. i don't know if it's a korean-american phenomenon, and the fact that my bringing it up is so weird shows the extent to which this kind of interactions has seamlessly become a part of our natural behavior, so to speak. (wow, i kind of sounded like freud). i know personally i mean well, and most of the time, so does the other person, but is it really edifying and a pleasing fellowship when we get down to it?

- so there was a three-person shooting on adams, a block over from where i live. i realized i've been living at USC too long when i noticed that the fact that i would be locked out of city park for 2+ hours by the LAPD disturbed me more than the fact that there was a gunman on the loose that apparently shot up 3 people (whose statuses i still don't know) all a mere block or so away from my apartment complex. has USC and the endless DPS notification emails made me calloused? i just hope this callousness doesn't lull me into complacency that could lead me to being unprepared in the face of possible robbing/mugging/etc in the future.



- BH

Revelation Through Sin

It's funny how much I've been feeling/hearing/experiencing the duality of our faith. At Chapel last Sunday, Pastor Arnold spoke on the tension between the age of promise and the age of fulfillment, and that we are to focus not so much on what we DO, but what Christ has DONE, and that through that, we are dead to sin and alive in God through Christ. This past Thursday, Pastor Mike spoke on the realities of evangelism, that fear of God was not only the beginning of wisdom, but fear of God, along with the reality of hell, is what (should) inspire us to go out and spread the gospel. And I realized in these two very different messages, you can't have one without the other. Without understanding and having the fear of God, the reality of hell, we can't understand what Christ has done for us. I think in this sort of dichotomy, I realized that so many of us are prone to lean one way or the other.. and that's dangerous. I think when we focus too much on the salvation that Christ has assured for us, we become complacent and take grace for granted. On the other hand, when we focus too much on our damnation and the reality of hell, I think we tend to become debbie-downer, and our "beating up" of ourselves tend to become bigger than God's love for us. Sometimes, it's no wonder that we so often go through spiritual/emotional rollercoasters.

But yeah, kind of on the same subject, but also relating back to the title of this post, I've been seeing more clearly, the duality of sin. On the one hand, it breaks our heart, it beats us down, and in general, it hurts. And I think this is where we can fall into the pitfalls of beating ourselves up. But on the other hand, it reveals. I don't know... maybe I'm being so obvious. But I'm not just talking about obvious sins where it comes from a sinful habit that you KNOW you have, but I'm just talking about instances in which, until it's been revealed by God, you never knew you stunk of that specific sin. Not that I'm saying it's good to sin, so that God can give us more revelations through them, but rather, we can either be crushed under the weight of sin, or we can be encouraged and pulled heavenward by the weight of glory.

So I had an incident today. Something that I always took pride in (perhaps too much) was the fact that I "rubbed the wrong way"/bothered/irked/annoyed the least amount of people. Not to the extent of being a people-pleaser, but just to the extent of having a very even-keel, steady, God-centered personality/disposition. Not that I'm saying I'm not problem-free: in fact, I definitely do have a variety of shortcomings and skeletons in the closets like everybody else. But in general, this was the conception I had of myself, and an ideal I tried living up to. Unfortunately, and frankly, while I've been a generally even-keel, if not a goofy/offbeat/lovable, guy, I feel rather than being burdened/plagued by numerous weaknesses and sins, I've had trouble dealing with one MAJOR weakness: anger.

I don't know what it is. I think I'm pretty patient, not judgmental, forgiving and truthful, but anger is by far my worst problem. And it's not that I'm constantly displaying a certain level of anger, but that I'll have a rare burst/explosion of anger instead. Moreover, I think this anger rears its ugly head when it comes to sports. Not necessarily PLAYING sports (because I'm like out of shape), but discussing/arguing sports. For the most part, most sports arguments/discussions are leisurely and informal in nature, but a few times, they've definitely been heated and tense. And I realized that in this situation, arguing/discussing sports, it combines like my biggest weaknesses: anger/passion and sports. I think when I get heated in arguing something that I have so much passion about, sports, is tantamount to tossing a lighter into a gasoline tank. But I think another dimension of that problem for me is probably pride. I think the times when it's gotten really bad was rooted in the fact that I felt the compulsion to "prove them wrong". Maybe in all this, God's trying to show me that sports has become an idol to me... Maybe He's trying to show me that the fact my biggest weakness, anger, mainly rears its ugly head when it comes to sports, is a cause for concern.

Another random thought was, even though I went out before, the fact that I've been vulnerable to the pitfalls that plagued me my first time out on STSM is too a concern. Rather than trying to clear my head, pray for GOD's mission and pray for GOD's glory, and for GOD's heart, I've been twiddling my thumbs and daydreaming about who my team leader is, who my teammates are, and even what country I'm going to. Please pray for me for ALL these things.

- BH

day 1

so today i started my daily routine of morning prayer followed by gym followed by work/class followed by gym again. right now, i just finished going to the gym after morning prayer, and decided to start bench pressing. let's just say i can't even lift my hands in the air because bench pressing owned my muscles. but yeah, this routine should be really good for the BODY and the SOUL. waking up earlier means i can have more time to do stuff, be organized and just in general be more proactive with my days. also, waking up and reading/praying for morning prayer will be a nice breakfast for the soul on top of my normal bible plan that i follow in the afternoon and before i go to sleep. as for the body, i've decided to lift and play bball/racketball mainly in the morning workouts, and to work on abs/legs/booty and run/cardio in my afternoon workouts. we'll see how tired i am at the end of the day. but yeah, doing all this will hopefully tire me out early so i can sleep early, wake up refreshed to start the routine again.

i'm really loving what i'm doing at the moment right now. at this moment, i've got the fan on cooling me off with a nice breeze, the window blinds are down but the glow of the sunlight that's shining through is nicely illuminating the room, i'm reading the pursuit of the holiness, i'm eating awesome sweet plums (my favorite fruit by the way) and listening to clazziquai (just finished listening to "dance", now i'm listening to "speechless"). i feel pretty content.

oh yeah, i guess it's been official for a while, but STSM2k9 has officially started. pretty excited to see what He's got planned this summer. let's pray that God's glory will be made known. oh yeah, please pray for me too.

ps - when did kelly clarkson get so fat by the way?

- BH

march madness

I just realized how big of a month March is going to be for me...

- Restarting my workout plan
- Hoping to attend all the morning prayers from here on out and going to the gym right after
- Meeting up with people and having one-on-ones that I've put off
- STSM Apps being due (today)
- First training/Super Saturday on the 21st
- Lent (I do have a few undisclosed things that I have given up)
- KCM Shoebox Dinner and/or Alumni Night
- SPRING BREAK!
- March Madness/NCAA Tournament
- MLB season starting
- NBA season winding down and Andrew Bynum's return!
- Deciding on whether or not I'm going to take the June LSATs

And these are just a list of things off the top of my head. There are probably a couple of big things I'm missing that should be on the list. I feel like this month will be packed, exciting, but go by quickly. What's crazy is that after this month, we only have one more full month left before graduation, senior banquet, etc. Our time is almost over.