fear

fear, apprehension, anxiety, changes, uncertainty are overflowing in the melting pot that i call "life". for the past 2-3 weeks since my LSAT, i really haven't progressed in working on my law school apps. to be sure, i've become more physically active having gone back to the gym, but in terms of the bigger goal, law school, i've been the king of excuses in putting it off.

mostly, i chalk it up to just procrastinating, plain and simple. but the more i've thought about it (that's my problem; i overthink to the point of not doing anything), it's more than simple procrastinating. i've always believed that you procrastinate when you have no desire to do something and put it off. but in my inability to progress on my personal statements and application essays, it's not due to my lack of desire to do it -- in fact, i want to work on it and get it done asap -- but what is the underlying issue, i feel, is fear.

fear has extreme results. it can push us to do things we never thought we were capable of, it pushes us beyond our limits. but fear can also make us curl up into the fetal position and suck on our thumbs. it's the classic fight-or-flight scenario. in my case, it's the latter - curling into a ball and running away and not confronting the brutally vicious personal statement. in light of my uncertain performance on my LSAT, sudden lack of confidence in my personal statement outlook and anxiety, i have become scared to work on it. questions like "what if i fail?", "what if my LSAT score is not great?", "what if my essay isn't good"... flood my mind and i'm left sitting at my desk like a septic tank of doubt.

for about the first week, it was indeed procrastination that kept me from getting to my personal statement and wrapping up law school applications. but by this point, i had spent enough time away from getting down to business that doubt and fear had already crept inside my head. one insight i've been able to gain is that inactivity/procrastination and fear/anxiety mutually benefit one another. the more you put something off, the fear and anxiety of that thing grows, and the more that grows, the more you put it off. it's a vicious cycle and leaves many casualties. learning this has made me appreciate urgency and intentionality that much more, but, at the end of the day, i still find myself stuck in this conundrum able to talk the talk but unable to walk the walk.

just do it? easier said than done.

Nike

A logo and brand synonymous with one phrase. When you hear "Nike", you think "just do it", and vice-a-versa. Whether Nike conjures up images of Michael Jordan hitting a clutch shot or a generic jogger pushing through that last mile in the pouring rain, there is a common emphasis on perseverance, manning up, and just doing it (for lack of a better qualifier).

I started thinking randomly about this slogan because it could hardly be any more indicative of the lot of us in life. In fact, a more fitting slogan for us these days would be something more like "just wait for someone else to do it" or "just put if off until you HAVE to do it", etc. But it's because of the lack of sense of urgency that you hardly see initiative. This is part of the reason why people are lazy and don't go out of their way to welcome outsiders/newcomers at churches, this is why people don't maximize their academic performances, and ultimately, this is why we don't maximize ourselves for things bigger than ourselves - we're often too lazy and too selfish to "just do it".

I can say all this not just from observing, but from personal experience. The most common excuses are that we're lazy, unsuited, or that eventually, someone else will do it. But that attitude is exactly the reason why all those shortcomings mentioned above occur. Many of us are guilty of thinking that "if I don't do it, someone else will!", and at times it is true because of the very few people that are genuinely initiating and engaging at church, school, etc. But these guys can only cover so much ground, because unfortunately, this sort of lazy thinking is infectious and all of the sudden, not only are you thinking that someone else will do it, but so is everyone else, ending up in this mess we're trying to solve in the first place.

From personal experience, there are a few common threads in the common inability to "just do it", the first being, simply, you don't want to do it. The answer to this is, even though it's cliche and I hate the acronym, WWJD? There's no better example of how to live than Christ. Every word and action were purposeful, punctual and productive. He manned up, suited up, (fill in the blank)ed up and did what He had to do, including nothing short of... I don't know, reconciling the sinful world to God and like, saving the world? But the question I think we all need to take from Christ and wrestle with is that if He, as God, "just did it" for lowly sinful bunches like us, then why can't/shouldn't we "just do it" for one another? Aren't we called to be the salt and light of the earth and also to sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron?

Another reason from experience why people don't "just do it" is because they think "what's the point of doing it if no one notices/acknowledges it" and "it's dirty work anyways". I wrote at length about this in a past blog post (around the middle) but suffice it to say, this was what I struggled with the most often. I struggled very much with doing things without recognition, especially doing menial tasks/manual labor that no one else wanted to do. But again, scripture brought clarity on this issue in Matthew 6:3-4 and 6, when Jesus talks about how to pray, fast, do charity, etc. Yes, not everyone at all times will be aware or even appreciative of the things we're doing but we should take heart that God in heaven sees, acknowledges and rewards us for these things, as mentioned in the referenced verse in Matthew 6.

Finally, the last common excuse is that we're too content and basically, lazy to "just do it". Overcontentment, especially when it's self-centered, leads to increasing blindspots and often, a hard fall back into reality/sin. I think we can all agree on that point. As for laziness, just see what scripture says about it in proverbs ALONE (Proverbs 13:4, 21:25, 19:15, etc).

The alarming trend is that in all these "reasons" for not just doing it - reaching out, taking initiative, taking risks, CONTENDING FOR THE GOSPEL, it all seems to go back to the realization that more often than not, we're too self-centered and just plain apathetic. We're too comfortable in our routines, cliques, etc and too stuck in our preconceptions and pride to "just do it". But we shouldn't be. The gospel isn't complicated, and in fact, it couldn't be any clearer than it already is. The truth is, we have no excuse for ourselves. We're playing around with living/contending/preaching the gospel like it's hot potato and we're just tossing it around hoping someone else will catch and run with it because we're too lazy/scared to. Things need to change.

miles davis and "THE COOL"

the greatest thing and yet, the worst thing, about this transition period in my life has been the free time. the main byproduct of having had so much free time is that it's allowed me to think and reflect on my past experiences. the recurring things i've been thinking about have been "the cool" (my euphemism for popularity), dating/relationship, and the "korean-american" experience as discussed here. unfortunately, there is a lot on my mind, so this will be a rather long post... so bear with me.

for me, popularity was such an issue and concern all the way through high school. it was in college when i finally grew up and kind of realized what really matters. and i feel like it's safe to say that many others did as well. i can't speak for others, but for me, i was able to rise above the materialistic/shallow notions of popularity i've been stifled by through high school by college. ultimately, i realized that the reason why i was so concerned all those years about how many friends and who my friends was because of lack of internal satisfaction. because of my bouts of inferiority complex, i would yearn to befriend the "cooler" people, because of my bouts of superiority complex, i would assume and take advantage of the "fodder" because i thought i was better than them. the roller coaster ups and downs that normally accompanied these experiences was because i strayed from personal comfort and satisfaction (in myself, in God, in family) and yearned for what i couldn't necessarily control (people's perceptions, etc). in college, i feel like i really learned how bigger life is and how little things like prepubescent notions of popularity matter in the big scope of things.

and yet, the unfortunate thing about this are my peers who have yet to critically assess, understand and act on this observation. from my experiences, i've observed and interacted with a variety of people, with their common theme being an inability to detach themselves from this mindless pursuit of "the cool". one of the "types" i've often seen are the ones with inferiority complexes with a glaring and constant need to "compensate" in their feelings of inadequacy by clinging and overemphasizing jobs, particular friends and other materialistic things. the two immediate consequences for these people are that 1) they make a VERY glaring distinction between the things they cling onto and the things they throw away and that 2) lost in all this overcompensation is God. not only is there idolatry in their clinging onto particular people, things, etc, but there is a genuine disruption of fellowship in making a distinction in who to associate themselves with. for me, i can clearly see that they're trying so hard, that there is some kind of void, but most importantly, the biggest concern is what these people are going to do when everyone and everything around them change and move on, but they're still stuck in this mentality. a particular example, whom i'll call Mr. X, fits the bill. Mr. X defined himself in what he wore, the jobs he had, and most importantly, the crowd he hung out with. if certain people were crowned the "it" people, you would be sure to find Mr. X there, clinging. and after a certain amount of time, they would move on to the next "it" group of people, and so on. and unfortunately, from talking to Mr. X and observing closely, he was similarly prone to roller coaster ups-and-downs in personal satisfaction and comfort, and every time i saw Mr. X, the most common thought/concern that i would think would be "I wonder if he's really happy".

on the other end of the spectrum, there are those with the superiority complexes. simply put, these are the types who are just arrogant, vain and baseless in their dispositions. though the major issue is that of lack of humility, this problem ends up having numerous ramifications. first off, with the lack of perspective on salvation, of God, these people wrongly and dangerously inflate themselves to something greater than what they need to remember that they, along with everyone else, are: sinful and wretched. another effect this has is that, like the "inferior" types, they tend to be selective in the people they hang out with, often concerning themselves with others not for genuine fellowship to sharpen one another, but often as just an extension and exercise in strengthening, nurturing and dwelling in their self-sense of superiority. ultimately and unfortunately, these guys often buy into their own hype, and this fact bleeds through.

for those who are close to me, you have probably witnessed me self-deprecating myself in regards to my forever-singlehood and almost-but-not-quite-there/yet experiences with girls numerous times. for context, take the time to watch mark driscoll's sermon on marriage & men here (caution: you might want to wear like 5 cups). i think i have been so accustomed to being envious of other couples, friends dating, etc, but listening to the M&M sermon and others in the past reminded me that we ultimately date to marry. so ironically, the fact that people have dated 10, 20, 50, 100+ times isn't something necessarily to be jealous about, nor is my 0 dating experience something to be ashamed about. furthermore, i've been prone to daydreaming about dating so-and-so, and doing this-and-that, but i've been realizing more and more (and the driscoll sermon has only cemented my thoughts) the gravity of relationships. it's not a light matter, much less something to casually daydream about. i think what has sobered me the most is what mark driscoll said about marriage and relationships, that it is truly fearful thing for a woman to commit her life and all to a man. and on the other side, dating, relationships and marriage is not a light matter when men realize that these aren't just females or girls, but these are daughters of God. period. and in connection to all this, manliness isn't a matter of how buff, how rich, how smelly or whatever one is, but manliness is about personal responsibility. it comes down to taking our burdens, getting some balls, and taking care of ourselves before we even think about marriage.

unfortunately, this thought process hasn't always been my mentality, especially during my days in KCM. and obviously, hindsight is 20-20, but it concerns me that there are probably many guys still in college and KCM, whose mindsets are probably like how mine was in that time. a pastor once joked that KCM stands for "Korean Chicks for Me", but knowing how I thought, how guys think, he wasn't too far off. on the one hand, it is kind of a good thing in that if you were to meet someone, it would ideally be someone from church or a campus ministry. but on the other hand, if meeting someone isn't just a part of the process but ultimately the reason why you come out, then something is wrong and priorities aren't straight. in light of the fact that KCM should be having their annual UR (University Retreat) in a matter of weeks, it's amusing, but at the same time, disconcerting to wonder how many guys are going primarily (or even minutely) because of meeting girls from other campuses. no one's going to probably say that out loud, but it is what is on the minds of many guys, because it was something that was on my mind in years past. if only i knew then what i know now.

in critiquing the korean-american experience (this includes our KA churches, KCMs, etc), it ultimately boils down to pride. pride in feeling superior and not wanting to let others in, and pride in not wanting to put themselves out there and face the possibility of rejection. through my experiences, i have become strongly convinced that we all are VERY aware of what we want to do versus what we should do. if jesus would DIE for associate with us, people of sin and diseases, etc, why shouldn't we do the same? when it matters, how reflective of the gospel is our lives?

in closing, it's funny, but it's not a total coincidence that the particular examples and experiences i've recalled have all occurred within the confines of kcm and church. not that i'm citing an exclusive correlation, but the fact that there is some sort of pattern is disconcerting. i think so often we're so comfortable with status quo and majority rules that we settle and become complacent. but when status quo and majority rules is fear, pride, and an unwillingness to try things and extend oneself for the Gospel, it is inexcusable. it means we are bathing in sin.

The Aftermath...

The only thing I can say with certainty is that I didn't feel like I aced it or breezed through it. Then again, how I felt during the test was never indicative of the score I got during practice exams. Then again, I do have cause for concern in the parts that I screwed up on. If I have any chance of getting the score I need, it'll be solely by GRACE.

Now the waiting game begins..

The Night Before...

4 months, 120 days, 30 practice exams, 1000+ pages of study books... all leading up to tomorrow. After all this time, all the blood, sweat and tears, it's finally test day in about 12 hours. You can probably guess the gamut of emotions I'm feeling: anxiety, excitement, fear, etc. That's part of what makes me crazy, that all the numbers I mentioned at the top have all been for a 6 hour test day, that 4 months of studying is for not even a quarter of a day's worth of testing. And yet, this will determine my upcoming year, and eventually, my course in life.

To be sure, the texts, the encouragements and the prayers that people have offered during this time have been great. In a time and process where I could have really become introverted and isolated myself with a "me-against-the-world" mentality, it's has been a blessing to see people caring about and encouraging me throughout this time.

And yet, there's a myriad of worries. Ultimately, for all the high scores I got on practice exams, the only score that will matter is the one I get tomorrow. By no means have I completely overcome my bad test taking habits. If I don't get my target score, I will most likely have to take another year off to get a better score, and taking another year off could bring anything. There is pressure on all sides. There is the personal pressure I put on myself to do the very best I can. There is the familial pressure to hurry up and get the score to go to law school and get a job. There is the social pressure in that everyone else has finished the process, gotten good scores and getting acceptances while I'm still at ground zero. But spiritual pressure is something I've been struggling with the most.

I think this comes down to the difference between knowing and believing. The reason why I've been praying so often that I wouldn't take the LSAT solely trusting in my knowledge, that I would take this test in faithfulness, is because, intellectually, I understand the gospel, God's providence and yet, at some level in my heart, I have doubt. I can spit out all sorts of rhetoric about how I believe God will provide, but I know that come tomorrow, there will be moments of doubt. And the funny and sort of unfortunate thing is, if I do get a score of my liking, THEN I'd probably be more inclined to mouth off non-stop "God is good! He provides", "I always believed He'd provide", etc. But how come I can't TRULY believe that now? In all this uncertainty? In reference to Hebrews 11:1, any dummy can believe after seeing, but it takes true faith and hope to believe without seeing.

I guess what I've been splitting hairs about is that on the one hand, this test won't matter in the long run, so there's no need to live as though it's the end-all-be-all. That more so than praying that God gives me this or that, that I should be praying for faithfulness in all things, for big picture things. But on the other hand, this test tomorrow does matter, and it's hard for me to find that balance between trusting in my abilities and yet, trusting God would provide.

There's a lot that I know from listening to sermons, taking notes, reading scripture, but there's still so much to understand, and to experience. What does it say about me that I can say I "know" the gospel, and yet, the moment something like the LSAT comes up, my genuine belief wavers and I'm faced with more questions than answers?

At this moment, at least, I don't have the absolute answers to these struggles, but the bible does. These are specific verses that I recalled, in light of the big day tomorrow:

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 34:8

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

I hope that as I pray and meditate on these truths and promises, that I would not only know and understand, but really experience them. And not just tomorrow during my LSAT, but beyond that.