for me, popularity was such an issue and concern all the way through high school. it was in college when i finally grew up and kind of realized what really matters. and i feel like it's safe to say that many others did as well. i can't speak for others, but for me, i was able to rise above the materialistic/shallow notions of popularity i've been stifled by through high school by college. ultimately, i realized that the reason why i was so concerned all those years about how many friends and who my friends was because of lack of internal satisfaction. because of my bouts of inferiority complex, i would yearn to befriend the "cooler" people, because of my bouts of superiority complex, i would assume and take advantage of the "fodder" because i thought i was better than them. the roller coaster ups and downs that normally accompanied these experiences was because i strayed from personal comfort and satisfaction (in myself, in God, in family) and yearned for what i couldn't necessarily control (people's perceptions, etc). in college, i feel like i really learned how bigger life is and how little things like prepubescent notions of popularity matter in the big scope of things.
and yet, the unfortunate thing about this are my peers who have yet to critically assess, understand and act on this observation. from my experiences, i've observed and interacted with a variety of people, with their common theme being an inability to detach themselves from this mindless pursuit of "the cool". one of the "types" i've often seen are the ones with inferiority complexes with a glaring and constant need to "compensate" in their feelings of inadequacy by clinging and overemphasizing jobs, particular friends and other materialistic things. the two immediate consequences for these people are that 1) they make a VERY glaring distinction between the things they cling onto and the things they throw away and that 2) lost in all this overcompensation is God. not only is there idolatry in their clinging onto particular people, things, etc, but there is a genuine disruption of fellowship in making a distinction in who to associate themselves with. for me, i can clearly see that they're trying so hard, that there is some kind of void, but most importantly, the biggest concern is what these people are going to do when everyone and everything around them change and move on, but they're still stuck in this mentality. a particular example, whom i'll call Mr. X, fits the bill. Mr. X defined himself in what he wore, the jobs he had, and most importantly, the crowd he hung out with. if certain people were crowned the "it" people, you would be sure to find Mr. X there, clinging. and after a certain amount of time, they would move on to the next "it" group of people, and so on. and unfortunately, from talking to Mr. X and observing closely, he was similarly prone to roller coaster ups-and-downs in personal satisfaction and comfort, and every time i saw Mr. X, the most common thought/concern that i would think would be "I wonder if he's really happy".
on the other end of the spectrum, there are those with the superiority complexes. simply put, these are the types who are just arrogant, vain and baseless in their dispositions. though the major issue is that of lack of humility, this problem ends up having numerous ramifications. first off, with the lack of perspective on salvation, of God, these people wrongly and dangerously inflate themselves to something greater than what they need to remember that they, along with everyone else, are: sinful and wretched. another effect this has is that, like the "inferior" types, they tend to be selective in the people they hang out with, often concerning themselves with others not for genuine fellowship to sharpen one another, but often as just an extension and exercise in strengthening, nurturing and dwelling in their self-sense of superiority. ultimately and unfortunately, these guys often buy into their own hype, and this fact bleeds through.
for those who are close to me, you have probably witnessed me self-deprecating myself in regards to my forever-singlehood and almost-but-not-quite-there/yet experiences with girls numerous times. for context, take the time to watch mark driscoll's sermon on marriage & men here (caution: you might want to wear like 5 cups). i think i have been so accustomed to being envious of other couples, friends dating, etc, but listening to the M&M sermon and others in the past reminded me that we ultimately date to marry. so ironically, the fact that people have dated 10, 20, 50, 100+ times isn't something necessarily to be jealous about, nor is my 0 dating experience something to be ashamed about. furthermore, i've been prone to daydreaming about dating so-and-so, and doing this-and-that, but i've been realizing more and more (and the driscoll sermon has only cemented my thoughts) the gravity of relationships. it's not a light matter, much less something to casually daydream about. i think what has sobered me the most is what mark driscoll said about marriage and relationships, that it is truly fearful thing for a woman to commit her life and all to a man. and on the other side, dating, relationships and marriage is not a light matter when men realize that these aren't just females or girls, but these are daughters of God. period. and in connection to all this, manliness isn't a matter of how buff, how rich, how smelly or whatever one is, but manliness is about personal responsibility. it comes down to taking our burdens, getting some balls, and taking care of ourselves before we even think about marriage.
unfortunately, this thought process hasn't always been my mentality, especially during my days in KCM. and obviously, hindsight is 20-20, but it concerns me that there are probably many guys still in college and KCM, whose mindsets are probably like how mine was in that time. a pastor once joked that KCM stands for "Korean Chicks for Me", but knowing how I thought, how guys think, he wasn't too far off. on the one hand, it is kind of a good thing in that if you were to meet someone, it would ideally be someone from church or a campus ministry. but on the other hand, if meeting someone isn't just a part of the process but ultimately the reason why you come out, then something is wrong and priorities aren't straight. in light of the fact that KCM should be having their annual UR (University Retreat) in a matter of weeks, it's amusing, but at the same time, disconcerting to wonder how many guys are going primarily (or even minutely) because of meeting girls from other campuses. no one's going to probably say that out loud, but it is what is on the minds of many guys, because it was something that was on my mind in years past. if only i knew then what i know now.
in critiquing the korean-american experience (this includes our KA churches, KCMs, etc), it ultimately boils down to pride. pride in feeling superior and not wanting to let others in, and pride in not wanting to put themselves out there and face the possibility of rejection. through my experiences, i have become strongly convinced that we all are VERY aware of what we want to do versus what we should do. if jesus would DIE for associate with us, people of sin and diseases, etc, why shouldn't we do the same? when it matters, how reflective of the gospel is our lives?
in closing, it's funny, but it's not a total coincidence that the particular examples and experiences i've recalled have all occurred within the confines of kcm and church. not that i'm citing an exclusive correlation, but the fact that there is some sort of pattern is disconcerting. i think so often we're so comfortable with status quo and majority rules that we settle and become complacent. but when status quo and majority rules is fear, pride, and an unwillingness to try things and extend oneself for the Gospel, it is inexcusable. it means we are bathing in sin.
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