4 months, 120 days, 30 practice exams, 1000+ pages of study books... all leading up to tomorrow. After all this time, all the blood, sweat and tears, it's finally test day in about 12 hours. You can probably guess the gamut of emotions I'm feeling: anxiety, excitement, fear, etc. That's part of what makes me crazy, that all the numbers I mentioned at the top have all been for a 6 hour test day, that 4 months of studying is for not even a quarter of a day's worth of testing. And yet, this will determine my upcoming year, and eventually, my course in life.
To be sure, the texts, the encouragements and the prayers that people have offered during this time have been great. In a time and process where I could have really become introverted and isolated myself with a "me-against-the-world" mentality, it's has been a blessing to see people caring about and encouraging me throughout this time.
And yet, there's a myriad of worries. Ultimately, for all the high scores I got on practice exams, the only score that will matter is the one I get tomorrow. By no means have I completely overcome my bad test taking habits. If I don't get my target score, I will most likely have to take another year off to get a better score, and taking another year off could bring anything. There is pressure on all sides. There is the personal pressure I put on myself to do the very best I can. There is the familial pressure to hurry up and get the score to go to law school and get a job. There is the social pressure in that everyone else has finished the process, gotten good scores and getting acceptances while I'm still at ground zero. But spiritual pressure is something I've been struggling with the most.
I think this comes down to the difference between knowing and believing. The reason why I've been praying so often that I wouldn't take the LSAT solely trusting in my knowledge, that I would take this test in faithfulness, is because, intellectually, I understand the gospel, God's providence and yet, at some level in my heart, I have doubt. I can spit out all sorts of rhetoric about how I believe God will provide, but I know that come tomorrow, there will be moments of doubt. And the funny and sort of unfortunate thing is, if I do get a score of my liking, THEN I'd probably be more inclined to mouth off non-stop "God is good! He provides", "I always believed He'd provide", etc. But how come I can't TRULY believe that now? In all this uncertainty? In reference to Hebrews 11:1, any dummy can believe after seeing, but it takes true faith and hope to believe without seeing.
I guess what I've been splitting hairs about is that on the one hand, this test won't matter in the long run, so there's no need to live as though it's the end-all-be-all. That more so than praying that God gives me this or that, that I should be praying for faithfulness in all things, for big picture things. But on the other hand, this test tomorrow does matter, and it's hard for me to find that balance between trusting in my abilities and yet, trusting God would provide.
There's a lot that I know from listening to sermons, taking notes, reading scripture, but there's still so much to understand, and to experience. What does it say about me that I can say I "know" the gospel, and yet, the moment something like the LSAT comes up, my genuine belief wavers and I'm faced with more questions than answers?
At this moment, at least, I don't have the absolute answers to these struggles, but the bible does. These are specific verses that I recalled, in light of the big day tomorrow:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
I hope that as I pray and meditate on these truths and promises, that I would not only know and understand, but really experience them. And not just tomorrow during my LSAT, but beyond that.
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