Revelation Through Sin

It's funny how much I've been feeling/hearing/experiencing the duality of our faith. At Chapel last Sunday, Pastor Arnold spoke on the tension between the age of promise and the age of fulfillment, and that we are to focus not so much on what we DO, but what Christ has DONE, and that through that, we are dead to sin and alive in God through Christ. This past Thursday, Pastor Mike spoke on the realities of evangelism, that fear of God was not only the beginning of wisdom, but fear of God, along with the reality of hell, is what (should) inspire us to go out and spread the gospel. And I realized in these two very different messages, you can't have one without the other. Without understanding and having the fear of God, the reality of hell, we can't understand what Christ has done for us. I think in this sort of dichotomy, I realized that so many of us are prone to lean one way or the other.. and that's dangerous. I think when we focus too much on the salvation that Christ has assured for us, we become complacent and take grace for granted. On the other hand, when we focus too much on our damnation and the reality of hell, I think we tend to become debbie-downer, and our "beating up" of ourselves tend to become bigger than God's love for us. Sometimes, it's no wonder that we so often go through spiritual/emotional rollercoasters.

But yeah, kind of on the same subject, but also relating back to the title of this post, I've been seeing more clearly, the duality of sin. On the one hand, it breaks our heart, it beats us down, and in general, it hurts. And I think this is where we can fall into the pitfalls of beating ourselves up. But on the other hand, it reveals. I don't know... maybe I'm being so obvious. But I'm not just talking about obvious sins where it comes from a sinful habit that you KNOW you have, but I'm just talking about instances in which, until it's been revealed by God, you never knew you stunk of that specific sin. Not that I'm saying it's good to sin, so that God can give us more revelations through them, but rather, we can either be crushed under the weight of sin, or we can be encouraged and pulled heavenward by the weight of glory.

So I had an incident today. Something that I always took pride in (perhaps too much) was the fact that I "rubbed the wrong way"/bothered/irked/annoyed the least amount of people. Not to the extent of being a people-pleaser, but just to the extent of having a very even-keel, steady, God-centered personality/disposition. Not that I'm saying I'm not problem-free: in fact, I definitely do have a variety of shortcomings and skeletons in the closets like everybody else. But in general, this was the conception I had of myself, and an ideal I tried living up to. Unfortunately, and frankly, while I've been a generally even-keel, if not a goofy/offbeat/lovable, guy, I feel rather than being burdened/plagued by numerous weaknesses and sins, I've had trouble dealing with one MAJOR weakness: anger.

I don't know what it is. I think I'm pretty patient, not judgmental, forgiving and truthful, but anger is by far my worst problem. And it's not that I'm constantly displaying a certain level of anger, but that I'll have a rare burst/explosion of anger instead. Moreover, I think this anger rears its ugly head when it comes to sports. Not necessarily PLAYING sports (because I'm like out of shape), but discussing/arguing sports. For the most part, most sports arguments/discussions are leisurely and informal in nature, but a few times, they've definitely been heated and tense. And I realized that in this situation, arguing/discussing sports, it combines like my biggest weaknesses: anger/passion and sports. I think when I get heated in arguing something that I have so much passion about, sports, is tantamount to tossing a lighter into a gasoline tank. But I think another dimension of that problem for me is probably pride. I think the times when it's gotten really bad was rooted in the fact that I felt the compulsion to "prove them wrong". Maybe in all this, God's trying to show me that sports has become an idol to me... Maybe He's trying to show me that the fact my biggest weakness, anger, mainly rears its ugly head when it comes to sports, is a cause for concern.

Another random thought was, even though I went out before, the fact that I've been vulnerable to the pitfalls that plagued me my first time out on STSM is too a concern. Rather than trying to clear my head, pray for GOD's mission and pray for GOD's glory, and for GOD's heart, I've been twiddling my thumbs and daydreaming about who my team leader is, who my teammates are, and even what country I'm going to. Please pray for me for ALL these things.

- BH