naivete

I've been putting thought into my recent entries, but it seems to me that I may be putting too much thought, if anything. I would like to post couple of times a week, but it seems that I've rounded into a habit of posting once a week or so, and posting very large entries, at that. It's not as big a deal for me, since I write just to write, but I'm hoping that these large entries aren't too daunting for anyone that happens to read my blog. But yeah, on to my thoughts on various things..

Drinking.
Despite having been 21 for over 6 months, I still can't say I have too much experience with it. Though to be honest, and to preface this "rant" with a disclaimer, lest I be labeled a hypocrite, I have had a few experiences of what I rant about, so this isn't meant to be a blind judgment. But other than that, in short, I'll mainly enjoy the occasional brew with a meal or chilling on my couch and drinking while watching sports games. I guess socially speaking, drinking/partying isn't my scene/cup of tea. I was just reflecting on my experiences over the last 4-6 years and noticed how naive I used to be about things. I remember back in high school at Troy, I, as well as many of my peers, were so consumed in studying and the world of IB/Honors/AP classes that the energy drinks or pills were the only "offhand" things I would even think that any of us would consume. Of course, much to my surprise and shock, I found out that through the latter years of high school, a lot of my peers and friends partied, drank, smoke (illegal and legal substances), etc. Having been consumed by nothing but studying, grades, college apps, SATs, etc, something as off handed as this never even crossed my mind. It was such a surprise finding out people I knew engaged in these activities that it was almost tantamount to my finding out that they went to jail or did highly illegal drugs. For me, back then, I felt like finding out about this fundamentally changed everything -- did I really know who these people were? Why are they doing these things? Why am I not doing these things? In short, I was very naive.. and through high school, and entering into college, I had a very dismissive and I guess even righteous view against drinking. I just thought, and still do think, it's just weird and obviously illegal for those not of age to be drinking. I mean, obviously my stances have changed somewhat. Where I once was naive and stubborn on this concept, now I've grown to not be surprised by anything. But still, I worry about the fact that so many kids come out of high school/into college with the mindset, "I need to go crazy and breakaway from everything that defined my life up to this point" or use college as a blank check in dive into various debaucheries. I'm not going to say that people do or don't have genuine fun with it, but I just question the very basis/foundation of why people drink, regardless of place, time and their age. Maybe the drinking issue is a lot like downloading music. Yes, it's illegal, but it's widespread, the thing to do, and there's a very easy access to it. I wouldn't know. I guess another "grievance" I have about drinking is that, most people would justify their decision in engaging in the party/drinking scene despite being underaged or not as "I don't care what people think.. I'll do what I want where I want". Now that's fine and dandy, and I'm not going to try to parent anyone, but if you're saying these things, or at least living in a way that reflects these views, why are so many of you so hesitant in discussing this side of your life? Whether it be avoiding "incriminating" photos or untagging on facebook, there's a funny paradox at work here. I guess maybe it comes down to all our sinfulness and deception, in walking into different places with a different "identity/image/face". Like who we are at these parties or when we drink probably wouldn't be who we are when we go to KCM or church. I guess my biggest deal is, if you engage in these activities, be proud and real about it. Don't come to me or KCM or church evasive and in denial about the fact that you go out to clubs, parties, etc. Don't put on a facade; you're only selling short yourself, church/KCM people, your party/drinking friends, and most importantly, God. I guess for me, the reason why I don't identify myself with that scene is that, maybe it is "fun". But the culture of repetitive "hooking up", "dressing up", "getting trashed" and setting that cycle on repeat would seem to be something that would become empty/hollow over time. It's just weird. When I see pictures of people that I either, didn't know did these things, or wouldn't expect (whether due to being underaged, etc) to do these things, I'm not sure how to react. Do I cheer for them and exclaim, "Hallelujah! She got trashed!" or do I look on them with disappointment? I don't know. For me there are plenty of ways to have fun and enjoy company, but drinking/partying wouldn't rank up there for me that often... especially if I were not of age.

Technology, The Youth, etc.
Technology and its relation to society these days have both become a little disconcerting to me in two ways through recent days, weeks, months, etc. The first way is the fact that we have become increasingly dependent on technology. It was only two years ago when touch screens were completely unheard of, and now any phone major phone company offers touch phones. It was not even just 5-6 years ago where all you could do on cellphones, other than making calls, was playing snake. Now people use phones to send videos, send pictures, get directions, surf the internet, play music, store music, play all sorts of games, watch TV, the list goes on. Same thing with cars. Cars these days have keyless ignitions, GPS is standard, and a lot of them come with auxilary inputs or port cables as standard parts, FULLY assuming that EVERYONE has ipods or some sort of mp3 players. I think RX Bandits put it best in their song, "Analog Boy", when they sing in the chorus (I encourage you to at least youtube them and hear the song yourself):

Analog boy, in a digital world
Don't be so digital
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio
And we're so helpless to our technology
Well I don't wanna be controlled by machines
Analog boy, in a digital world
Turn off your radio

The second way the rise of technology has been disconcerting to me relates to the youth of America. At Sunday School at church, and just with young kids at large, I'm flabbergasted to see how many of them have personal computers and cell phones. To put this into perspective, I got my first non-handmedown cellphone just two years ago, and I got my first laptop just a year ago. It just surprises me to see kids who are like 8 or 9 already texting, using phones, technology like it's nothing. One of the 4th grade girls at my sunday school has a freaking iPhone. It just seems technology keeps taking over and over, and I wouldn't be surprised if babies started being born with a cellphone for their left hand and a digital camera as their right hand. But yeah, it just seems that these things start happening at earlier ages. Technology isn't alone. From what I've heard through the grapevine and, surprisingly, through the kids at sunday school and from the news, that elementary/jr high kids are getting more physically intimate in their "relationships" these days, and apparently there is this new phenomenon where these kids take explicit pictures of themselves with their cellphone cameras and text it to their significant other. Another concern is that kids these days of that age are starting to declare their homosexuality or sexual beliefs when their ages haven't even reached double digits. And finally, an even bigger concern is that, as much as I was bothered by my friends and peers drinking in high school and even now underaged, it's more disconcerting to find that kids in junior high and elementary school are engaging in these acts of partying, drinking, smoking, etc. I can't help but just be speechless. I don't think we can even blame these kids; but rather, I would want to know, who in the blue hell allows these kids access to alcohol, cigarettes, etc? Are they negligent parents who just don't think twice about where they're leaving alcohol, cigarettes, etc, around the house not knowing what their kids are REALLY up to? Or even worse, are they some idiot citizen who, knowing they shouldn't, buys these things for them at the local liquor shop? Or even worse than that, does access to these things come from delusional and moronic 21+ year olds who think they're cool and awesome by catering these things illegally to kids young enough to be their little siblings? I even shudder to think, maybe one of these "adults" think that the only way to get "lucky" with one of these pre-teens/elementary kids is to buy them alcohol and get them drunk. I honestly shudder to think what this world, and the next generation of kids will be like in 5-10 years from now.

The Professional Camera/Macbook/Blackberry Trends.
Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't me trying to blast this trend just for the sake of me being "different". If anything, I detest people that do that baselessly and for no reason. Rather, it's just me trying to think about and contemplate the hype and comment on the trends that I see these days.
1) The camera trend: In the last 2-3 years, I've probably witnessed the exponential growth in the trend of these Nikon or whathaveyou "professional" cameras. I guess that's what I find funny about trends. One person starts it, and couple more follow maybe because they find this trend interesting, and the rest of the masses will only follow because everyone else seems to be following the trend. But yeah, back to the point -- I've probably seen the trend grow from 1 person to about at least 20. Now granted, within the large scheme of things, that's not "EVERYONE", but it's especially significant within the framework of KCM. Back 3+ years ago, I think there was probably one or two "camera dudes" in all the KCMs. Not too long after that, not more than, say, half a year or year after that, the trend grew to a point where each KCM campus had its token/designated photographer. At this point, it was pretty cool, but this trend just blew up to a point where it's just kind of funny. Now at KCM locally, and at Chapel/Joint-KCM events, it's just ridiculously funny to see this trend having grown so much to the point that each KCM campus has at least 4-5 "camera dudes". I know nothing about the technology/expertise behind the phototaking or the machinery, so I can't criticize, but I wonder how many of all these "photographers" would be considered amateurish/in it for the trend, and how many are in it for the right reasons and are actually talented. I mean, I would hope that many would be in the latter group, because these cameras are expensive.
2) The Macbook trend: I'm not going to outline and complete the Mac vs. PC debate for all time. I've worked long enough at the computer store and have used both enough to know that it's a pointless debate. What I do want to comment about is how it seems that a lot of people who do switch over seems to be swayed over on one facet -- the user-friendliness. I hear so many students, etc, wanting to switch over mainly because of the video chatting/photobooth. Probably only 20-30% of the time do I hear genuine concern or interest about the hardware of the computers.. and it's a little bothering to see people switch over merely because "it's the in thing" or "macs are cuter!". I mean, people forget that Macs are great domestically, but PC still rules internationally (though Apple is improving in that area). It's really funny how so many people have Macs. I think just the other day in Albert's room when we were setting up his birthday present, an HP monitor, it was pointed out how just me and Albert were still PC users, and how the rest, Calvin, Steven, Jon, Justin, etc, were all Mac users. I don't know. I guess it bothers me when people are caught up in trends to the point that they don't even think for themselves, and use the popularity of the trend to barely gloss over details en route to partaking in the trend themselves. :Shrugs:
3) What happened to the iphone? Because it seems that everything is about the blackberry these days. BBM, facebook apps, google map apps, business, type, camera, etc. In the last 6 months, I've probably witnessed at least 10 of my friends switching over. My plan with Verizon is up in March, and naturally, everyone assumes that I, too, will switch over to the blackberry. Again, there are plenty of other great options, one of which I'm considering as my first choice, pending playing around with it in live person at a Verizon store. Personally, I don't really text that much, so a blackberry wouldn't be that necessary. And I would like to stick with Verizon, so switching over to AT&T and the iphone is probably unlikely. What is a possibility, is that, in light of tough economic times, I don't even know if I'm willing to fork out $100+ bucks for a new phone, and pay another $100 or so per month for some expensive plan of which I probably won't take full advantage of. Yes, maybe it's a trend that everyone's following, but, to rephrase an old saying, you wouldn't jump off the bridge if everyone else did, would you?

Stupid Questions? Unnnecessary?
One of my TAs in one of my polisci classes said that "there's no such things as stupid questions"... and I for the most part agree with the spirit of her answer, but disagree with her answer. For the most part, all (serious) questions have merit, but there are a certain breed of questions that are stupid: the UNNECESSARY questions. Case in point, there are certain girls in the said class, that always sit in the front, ask and answer obvious questions, and in general, suck up a lot. In fact, their level of sucking rivals that of black holes. So this past Monday was our review for our midterm tomorrow, and these girls start asking questions about page length, the amount of bluebook pages that equal a great length for an essay.. basically they were nitpicking everything. For the most part, everyone knows that our professor and TA are chill, and knows from quizzes what to expect to write about and in what style to write it in. Knowing that, these girls couldn't stop asking these stupid questions, and I think it'd be fair to say that it wasn't the answers to these questions which were comforting them, but the fact that they were asking these questions at all that comforted them. And therein lies the premise behind UNNECESSARY questions. I don't know if I made much sense, but basically, those girls were annoying. Kudos goes out to the guy who, in mocking those girls, asked the TA [sarcasm]"how many words should our essays be?"[/sarcasm]

Cussing.
I used to cuss. A lot. I think in high school and beginning of college, every other word was a curse word. Obviously, I was lost back then, and a lot of my less-than-admirable traits sprang from lack of a stable walk with God. But yeah, since then, I've definitely grown out of cussing and actually, no longer cuss, period. It's actually at a point now where, once upon a time, I would be comfortable with most forms of cussing, but now, I find it unsettling and awkward. It's funny, at this point in time, it will be very weird/taboo for me to even say "hell" or "damn", just because how my perspectives have changed, relatively speaking. But yeah, back on topic, it's strangely not ALL forms of cussing, just a specific situation. If someone I'm already close/tight with cusses, it's not a biggie, provided that they cuss normally to begin with. However, it is when I encounter people I don't know who cuss that makes things awkward/weird. In this situation, I've realized people cuss for one reason: comfort. Stay with me here. I've noticed that in social situations where people don't know each other or are in awkward situations, they will often resort to cussing. Or in situations where they'd like to give off that "i'm just like anyone else!" vibe, they'll cuss. It's like so many of these people in these situations, for whatever reason, think that cussing is a universal vernacular that will appeal anywhere. I've seen it everywhere - playing sports with people I don't know, customers at work, people I don't know at church/KCM, etc, etc. I don't think I'll ever get why people like this always "appeal" to cussing to bring about a sense of normalcy, because for me, it just makes things awkward. And is cussing really that therapeutic? I mean, thinking about it, over the years, part of the reason why I stopped cussing was that I asked myself, "what's the point? aren't there other ways for me to emphatically express myself?". I also dismiss people that cuss because it's "relieving" or makes them look "hard" or whatever. They're just words and to see them place so much faith and stock into something as stupid as cussing just makes them look stupid.

People's "favorites", cliques.
I think one of the biggest complaints or problems I've run into, or experienced, in any club, church, organization, etc has been the age old issue of cliques, or people having "favorites". Personally, I disdain both these concepts and realities. To some extent, I understand that people have those friends/roommates/etc that they're closer to than others. This is fine, and this is a fact of life. What bothers me is when these relationships become cliquey. At that point, they kind of shut themselves apart from everyone else and make it hard for others to interact with them. I've noticed that these "crews" or "posses" kind of possess this aura about them that screams "we're the shiz" or "you'd be lucky to be a part of our crowd". This has a twofold problem: first, because they set themselves apart and are unwilling to come out of their shells, it kind of obstructs fellowship opportunities, and second, it makes people more concerned about getting to know these kinds of people because of popularity and status rather than because of fellowship. Another occassional problem that arises out of this is, unfortunately, when people feel excluded and end up leaving whatever club/church/etc altogether. When I see the same people always hanging out/driving together/sitting together, and especially in church or KCM when they leave early or arrive late, it bothers me. To a certain extent, I can understand where some people may be coming from; these groups/crews/cliques provide a form of security/comfort. But often, by trying to secure for themselves this comfort, they're often externalizing these "social difficulties" (for lack of a better term) onto several others. I guess this comes a lot from just my personal disdain for clinginess. Like after KCM circle, instead of lounging around with my classmates or roommates, I like going around and talking to everyone around the circle. Having been where they may have been, I just hate people bunching into their comfy cliques and watching newcomers/outsiders/etc squirm and stand there alone. Don't get me wrong.. this isn't me trying to be patronizing or "look at me, i make people feel good", but rather, I'm trying to say that I've been in that position, and I want to do what I can to make sure people don't experience the same things that I did. But yeah, when people are so cliqued up, it makes it hard for me to approach them. It's like they're all connected like tar, and to peel one person away from these crews/posses/cliques to talk with them and get to know them would be something way too troublesome/difficult to do. So I feel like in the end, I feel like both sides lose out. Not only am I not able to talk to any of these people, since they leave/arrive/stick as packs, but they, too, are missing out on meeting people. And I guess an extension of this phenomenon is people playing "favorites". It just bothers me when people have to reinforce/legitimize who they are through who they hang around with or hang onto. In both this case and the case of cliques overall, I just feel that people will be prone to idolizing, become people pleasers and just forgoing the spirit of true fellowship for selfish glory. I mean, it's really annoying, especially at church/KCM to know that there's so many of us that will stick with the 5-10% that we know and forego the opportunity to reach out and get to know the rest of the 90-95% of the constituency. That's a fellowship built on sand and a house divided against itself. And at this point, maybe I'm reading into things a little too much, but I feel like we're all have to offer "something" to be accepted. I feel these days, our personalities and who we are can only go so far, and that it's WHAT we are that attracts people. Maybe if I were taller or buffer or more attractive, or maybe if I were from a certain city or engaged in specific scenes, then more people would talk to me. I don't know, it just seems that so many of us come in life with an unconsciously built in screen test for talking to people.. like someone has to be "cool" enough, attractive enough, popular enough, etc, just to be "worthy" of our time. I wish we could just let go of status, image and just be free of our insecurities and external judgment to just be comfortable in ourselves and in each other to JUST BE REAL. And most of all, I wish I could practice what I preach.

Yeah, that was yet another long post. I feel like I should post frequently and in spurts on specific things rather than waiting and compiling all my thoughts into one weekly looooong post. It would make things a lot easier for me, blogger and my sanity. But yeah, if you read my rant, congratulations.. you probably had a lot of time on your hands.. haha

- BH