Embracing Accusation.

So, here is attempt #2 at blogging. And the picture you see here is a group shot of my Uganda team from this past summer. This picture was taken in Moroto, right around the second week we were in Uganda.

Looking at this picture brings back so many memories of this summer. It's funny because I remember Pastor Daniel (aka Dubs) would tell us often that before we knew it, our missions trip would be over and seem like a hazy dream. I remember how often I laughed off his statement, and now I find myself in the library, in the middle of midterm season, tired and weary of school, work, etc. Nothing in my life shows any sort of semblance of my life in Uganda this past month.

It's actually funny that I stumbled on a picture of us in Moroto, because in more ways than not, Moroto was the make-or-break ministry.. I knew for a fact that it challenged all of us physically, and especially spiritually. The 12+ hour bus ride to Moroto was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life.. the heat, the crowdedness, the rocky road, the smell all exacerbated everyone's discomfort. It wasn't even that the bus was crowded, but for those of us sitting on the aisle seats, Ugandans started placing their limbs, animals, children and even themselves on my teammates knees, seats, etc. It was also at Moroto where we had challenging ministries. At one of the schools down the street, I think we performed just about every skit we had learned which resulted in about 1-2 hours of straight performing, which wasn't tiring physically but mentally/spiritually. Not only that, but we also had prison ministry at a local prison in Moroto. I can remember distinctly the uneasiness that crept in me as we arrived, I mean, I don't think anyone would be happy-go-lucky when visiting any prison.. just the thought of me emceeing the ministry in front of men who were behind bars scared me. And another highlight/challenge in Moroto was the village ministry. Pastor Dave mentioned a village up in Mt. Moroto which had first been exposed to the gospel message when he led a Uganda team there in the early 2000s. I think getting there was the difficult part; it required us to hike up Mt. Moroto for a good 30-45 minutes, which isn't bad, but considering I was out of shape and carrying stuff, I got pretty winded. I think it was frustrating in that whatever progress we seemed to make was little, if not nonexistent. I also thought that many of the villagers seemed to laugh us off and dismiss us some kind of a circus or something. After this was when things got even crazier. Since the way we hiked up was too dangerous to go back down through, we took a circuitous route through like deluge and a rainforest-like part of the mountain. That was when it started to pour rain, mud started sliding all over the place, people were slipping (I personally almost fell off the side of a cliff) and spraining ankles and whatnot.

The fact was, our week in Moroto illustrated and continues to serve to me as a microcosm of our lives. I distinctly remember everyone on the bus ride to Moroto asking themselves (as I did) the question, "Why?". Why were we on this bus ride? Why are we going to a place 14 hours away when we could be serving those back in Kampala (where our base was located)? Why are these people so (fill in the blank)? The same questions arose for many, I think, during the hike up and especially down Mt. Moroto. Then later that night, Pastor Dave briefly discussed about the cost of ministry. It wasn't our right to do what we thought we're to do, but rather, God gave us the privilege and opportunity to carry out His will in Uganda. And honestly, it was selfish of us to consider missions with a perspective compromised by our flesh. And all things considering, a 14 hour bus ride is NOTHING compared to being crucified for those who hated and despised you.

Personally, I had to come to grips with myself throughout that week in Moroto. I was asking myself if I was here for the right reasons, why these frustrations overwhelmed me, why I was stressing out, why this, why that, etc. Finishing that week in Moroto, I realized however difficult the planting of the seed may be, the fruit that it bears is infinitely greater. The bus ride, while humbling and frustrating, taught me to appreciate even more the cost that was required for me to even be on that bus (that is the cost of Christ's blood). The cost of ministry became all the more clear to me, as did the concept of costly grace. The first chapter in the book "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about costly grace, and the one statement that stood out to me to this day was this:

It is costly (costly grace) because it costs a man his life, and it is grace becasuse it gives a man the only true life.

As for the hike up/down the mountain, it just exposed how weak I was. But at the same time, I realized the beauty and power of God's creation. As difficult as those hikes may have been, Moroto had some of the most captivating sights and views that I have ever seen in my life. And simply put, how much greater is the creator than the creation? As for the village ministry and my frustration with progress and whatnot, I learned that when I started thinking about ministry in terms of wins/losses, tangible progress, what I did, then I'm taking salvation into my hands, a task which I will never be fit or worthy to undertake. That task is God's alone. So I learned that God works through me to do what He will, and I know that through the seeds planted in those villagers and all the people we met in Uganda, God will be glorified definitely. Because as man, I have no power and no sovereignty, but luckily, God does and that gives me complete assurance.

But yeah, I feel that Moroto is so representative of our lives today because we're faced with so many different challenges everyday. Jobs, families, school, grades, money, church, food, clothes.. the list goes on. Especially right now in the middle of midterms, Pastor Richard mentioned last week how in times like these the first thing to go is our time with God. I think Moroto really taught me that in times of stress and challenges, it's all about dependence on God. It's not that we all of the sudden decide to become superman and start working at full speed ahead doing everything perfectly. No, but rather, it's our dependence on the rock, on His grace, that allows us to react not by cowering, but standing and performing with strength. It's not "how can I change things and not get bogged by all these things in my life" but rather, "how can I ask/depend/pray to God for strength to do all these things excellently for His glory?". If you put things into perspective, college/grad school is only 4-8 years, we live 70-80 years, but God is forever.

But with that said, rhetoric is empty if there is no fruit that comes out of that.. everyday is a challenge in making my life a pure reflection of grace, but it's something I'm praying about. The devil is constantly around trying to break me down, but I know that in the end, it's Jesus, His blood that saves which leads me to Shane & Shane whose song "Embracing Accusation" I feel
describes this feeling so perfectly:

The Father of Lies coming to steal,
kill and destroy all my hopes of being good enough.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide."
He's right. Hallelujah, he's right!

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed.
That I am cursed and gone astray.
I cannot gain salvation. Embracing accusation.

Could the Father of Lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide."
He's right. Hallelujah, he's right!

Oh, the devil's singing over me an age old song,
that I am cursed and gone astray.
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me,
He's forgotten the refrain: "Jesus Saves."

It's so true everything that the devil tries to tell us. We're sinners, our fate and punishment should be death, that we have led lives that are cursed, sinful and turned away from God. But despite that, despite our overwhelming shortcomings and sinful ways.. Jesus saves. Simply put, His blood covers our iniquities, and just like that we're saved. So profound, but so simple. This is what drives me, not only in life in general, but especially through school, classes and my studies. When I have this salvation, why wouldn't I be happy and strong? His grace is sufficient for me to succeed and I know that will be the one constant forever and ever.

In other news, small groups are starting this week. I still continue to feel inadequate and quite unsure of what I'm going to do this week, but I know everything will be done out of love for Christ. Please pray for me, that as the small group "leader" that I will lead by simply following Christ. Please pray for my boys that simply, their eyes and hearts may be led towards the path of the Godly rather than the path of the worldly.

Thanks guys (or guy depending on if anyone reads this at all).