"I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel..." (Part 1 of my mind's root canal)

I've been called a lot of things throughout the years, such as awkward, weird, fat, but one label that has resounded with me for some reason has been "loner". Although I was called that within a joking context, I thought it hit the nail right on the head. And for me, I think this is where my awkwardness and weirdness stems from: my refusal to understand and "play along" with social conventions and norms. Now before I rant on, I know all too well that I'm prone to overtalking and overtyping, so I've decided to split this exploration, deep-drilling root canal if you will, of how I think, into two parts: this first part focusing more on a social basis, and the second/concluding part on an intellectual/spiritual/philosophical basis. This first part will probably do a lot of bullet point examples and touch the surface while the second part gets into the intellectual/spiritual basis for why that is the case. So with that said, let's dive right into it..

One of my least favorite things is bumping into people. The way my mind works is that the only sort of meeting that works, are meetings that are arranged. I guess it's because I have a one-track mind that I prefer arranged meetings, but whatever the case, when I bump into someone, I am totally and terribly awkward and forced in these situations.. it's like a train wreck waiting to happen. Whether it's the Albertson's at Amerige or the gas station on Rosecrans and Beach, I've intentionally avoided people. I only want to shop for my food or get gas, and if/when I bump into people, I'm almost always unprepared for it. And when this encounter becomes something you have to overthink about and even force, then it's not even worth it anymore, then you're just merely doing what is the social norm, and at that point, any encounter just loses the heart and meaning that you'd want it to have. In summary, then, I find these random encounters with friends/acquaintances awkward, these things then become forced, and I avoid these because I'd rather be intentional and cherish arranged/planned meetings. Interestingly enough, I've found that there are a lot of people who go through the same motions, but I think a difference is that they struggle with this with acquaintances (or even strangers!) they had a class with 2 years ago or a project a semester ago whereas I struggle with this with people I'd consider more than acquaintances.

Another thing I never got, and even have been annoyed by, was certain people's insistence on always having to hang out with people. And this is where, again, I stand in stark contrast to them, because I'm completely comfortable being alone. Not that I hate being with people or that I am a misanthrope, but I'll have fun hanging out as much as I would if I were chilling on the computer all day listening to music alone at home. I would say that I'm an extreme introvert when home alone, but that when I'm with good friends, I'm an extreme extrovert. Please excuse any sense of arrogance (which is completely unintended) but at times, I can be the center of attention in joking around, making people laugh. But on the flip side, later that day, I may avoid the market or gym (which has happened before) simply because I want to avoid the crowdedness.

One of the more humbling and saddening things about this "loner" mindset are the thoughts and skewed abstract thoughts when it comes to friendship. Lately, I've been considering the movie "I Love You, Man" in which the protagonist doesn't have a best friend. And I've been feeling like I do not have a best friend either. This should all be prefaced with the fact that I value all of my friends equally, but that it is the nature of my mindset that prevents me from having that lone confidant that I can call upon above others as "my best friend". I guess it's because I see everyone and their friendships as flawed, including myself and my relationships. I may be close with my friends from elementary, jr high and high school, but, for example, they may not be christian, which prevents me from opening up to them and relating to them completely. Then there may be friends from church, college, KCM, etc, but even there, there seems to be something missing. To make a long story short (I can write a whole blog entry on this if I want), I feel like especially with KCM, the fact that everyday is something and you're always in that circle/bubble tends to create a manufactured atmosphere where sure, you are great friends with everyone, but if you think about it, you would either be great friends or total enemies with people you see all the time. I guess for me, I see life as a sequence of stages, and that things move on and part ways all the time, including friendships. Part II of this entry should dive deeper into the reasons for why I think this way.

One of the biggest misconceptions that I've fallen into due to my mindset, but now am praying to overcome is the myth that you can "love" someone, but you don't have to "like" them. I think that there are a lot of us who have overcome personal dissatisfaction/dislike/awkwardness/etc with others by "justifying" that, "sure, we may not get along with them, but as long as we love them as brothers and sisters in Christ, that's what counts". I thought this way too. Once upon a time, when I subscribed to this myth, my justification was that we can appreciate and love one another as children of God, and that was more than enough to offset any lack of chemistry or personal friendliness between individuals. Suffice it to say, I realized that it is no love at all, especially a Christ-centered love, if we're just THINKING we love them, and not actively VERBALLY/ACTUALLY loving them. I know that sounds so obvious, but there are so many people that have fallen into this myth that need to reconsider their mentality. Whether it's pride, laziness or something else, if Christ loved those that hated and persecuted Him, especially considering that we are all terrible sinners, why shouldn't we DO LIKEWISE with the people in our lives? You know, maybe that weird guy at KCM that just started coming out but doesn't really know anyone so you avoid him.. or the newcomer at church who has a "rep" you overheard about via gossip. The greatest commandment is to love God with all our hearts, souls and minds, clearly. But the second is to love our neighbors as ourselves... There's clearly a disconnect between the examples set forth by these commandments and the shabby lives we try to justify with a patchwork of excuses. The worst part is, a lot of us know, but we just don't want to try to change.

Much more ranting still to come.

assumptions.

it's true what they say: when you assume, you make an ass out of you AND me.. except in this case, it's just me.

much contemplation, self-examination and prayer to come, methinks, lest the gap between what i know and what i feel continues to grow.

the grass SEEMS greener on the other side

Why is it that we're never satisfied? Because we are naturally greedy.

Why do we self-absorbantly wallow in our struggles? Because we are proud and conceited.

These and other related thoughts come to me whenever I meditate on Psalm 118:24 -

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

The reason why this verse has this effect is because it reminds me that we all start off with a day, every day. Every one of us gets 24 hours to do, really, anything we want. Whether it be spent playing video games, watching TV and eating, or saving the world, the point is we wake up every day, with the same amount of time, and the same chance to do whatever we want. Each day is a gift, that's why they call it the present (Sorry for the lame cliche, but it fits). The funny thing is, I don't think we realize and appreciate each day for what it is: another day that we don't deserve, and a day the LORD has made. The fact that we wake up and can really do whatever in itself is precious, and I think so many of us, including yours truly, take that for granted. How we take advantage of or squander the 24 hours God gives us each day differs from person to person, but the fact remains that all things considered, we all start off on the same foot.

How this thought relates to the first two questioned posed is simple: we need something as simple and foundational as that daily contentment, gratefulness and joyfulness to overcome the selfish ambitions that threaten to overtake us at any moment. Realize that we all are heirs to the greatest treasure in heaven, and that compared to this, the need to imagine the "greener" other side will be irrelevant. Realize that we all share burdens and joys together as a body of Christ and that no one's struggle is worth less and more than another's.

It's all about being faithful and grateful for the little things, the current things in our lives, in anticipation of greater things that are yet to come. I think a line in a Sheryl Crow song summed it up nicely: "It's not having what you want; It's wanting what you've got". Think how complacent many of us are about the little things we have, and compare that to the predicament of Haitians being pulled out of the rubbles 10+ days AFTER the earthquake. Perspective does a body good.

We love to whine and highlight ourselves. We want to broadcast our troubles so as to receive attention, care and concern. We want to broadcast our joys and victories so as to receive accolade, congratulations and glory. No one person is worth any more or less than another, and I believe this counts especially for personal struggles. Everyone struggles all the time, it's just a fact. But the fact remains that we shouldn't wallow in our self-pitying and struggles, but rather look to build another struggling brother/sister up, as they do the same unto you.

This was just a random thought I wanted to share.

guilty by association

I'm always reminded of, for better AND worse, certain people in different things. Whether it be a TV show, a certain food, a song, article of clothing, etc, I don't recall the last day when I WASN'T reminded of someone that I associated with something. But whether it's a positive or a negative association, I'm not sure this correlation we quantify between things-people does anyone any good.

I was inspired to write about this when I recently saw an episode of a certain TV show... and then in the back of my mind, I remembered the negative connotation I've come to place on the show due to my experiences with a certain person. As a result, I've come to enjoy things such as this TV show with a bittersweet disposition at best... and I'm reminded of bad times yet again.

On the other side, even when there is a positive correlation, it's not necessarily a good thing. I think in this day and age, we're so used to categorizing everything, that naturally, this phenomenon extends to people. There is the camera guy, the tech guy, the music guy, the funny guy, the fat guy, the fashion guy, the random guy, the _____ guy, etc. We do this so often that I feel like we often typecast one another and are satisfied to leave our perceptions of them at that, rather than striving to get to know them better. And on the other end of this effect, the more we typecast a certain person, the more that person is likely to become, in a way, victimized and pigeonholed into whatever people associate them with. People are more than their hobbies and interests, FYI.

And in a random life update, I did not get the score I wanted on my LSAT. I will retake it in June, which means that I will have to take another year off. Whether that means volunteering, interning, working, or even moving, I'm uncertain of at this point. Although this development wasn't totally out of the realm of possibility, it's definitely knocked the wind out of my sail, so to speak.. so hopefully I can break out of that funk, pray, and attack the openings that the Lord provides.

fear

fear, apprehension, anxiety, changes, uncertainty are overflowing in the melting pot that i call "life". for the past 2-3 weeks since my LSAT, i really haven't progressed in working on my law school apps. to be sure, i've become more physically active having gone back to the gym, but in terms of the bigger goal, law school, i've been the king of excuses in putting it off.

mostly, i chalk it up to just procrastinating, plain and simple. but the more i've thought about it (that's my problem; i overthink to the point of not doing anything), it's more than simple procrastinating. i've always believed that you procrastinate when you have no desire to do something and put it off. but in my inability to progress on my personal statements and application essays, it's not due to my lack of desire to do it -- in fact, i want to work on it and get it done asap -- but what is the underlying issue, i feel, is fear.

fear has extreme results. it can push us to do things we never thought we were capable of, it pushes us beyond our limits. but fear can also make us curl up into the fetal position and suck on our thumbs. it's the classic fight-or-flight scenario. in my case, it's the latter - curling into a ball and running away and not confronting the brutally vicious personal statement. in light of my uncertain performance on my LSAT, sudden lack of confidence in my personal statement outlook and anxiety, i have become scared to work on it. questions like "what if i fail?", "what if my LSAT score is not great?", "what if my essay isn't good"... flood my mind and i'm left sitting at my desk like a septic tank of doubt.

for about the first week, it was indeed procrastination that kept me from getting to my personal statement and wrapping up law school applications. but by this point, i had spent enough time away from getting down to business that doubt and fear had already crept inside my head. one insight i've been able to gain is that inactivity/procrastination and fear/anxiety mutually benefit one another. the more you put something off, the fear and anxiety of that thing grows, and the more that grows, the more you put it off. it's a vicious cycle and leaves many casualties. learning this has made me appreciate urgency and intentionality that much more, but, at the end of the day, i still find myself stuck in this conundrum able to talk the talk but unable to walk the walk.

just do it? easier said than done.

Nike

A logo and brand synonymous with one phrase. When you hear "Nike", you think "just do it", and vice-a-versa. Whether Nike conjures up images of Michael Jordan hitting a clutch shot or a generic jogger pushing through that last mile in the pouring rain, there is a common emphasis on perseverance, manning up, and just doing it (for lack of a better qualifier).

I started thinking randomly about this slogan because it could hardly be any more indicative of the lot of us in life. In fact, a more fitting slogan for us these days would be something more like "just wait for someone else to do it" or "just put if off until you HAVE to do it", etc. But it's because of the lack of sense of urgency that you hardly see initiative. This is part of the reason why people are lazy and don't go out of their way to welcome outsiders/newcomers at churches, this is why people don't maximize their academic performances, and ultimately, this is why we don't maximize ourselves for things bigger than ourselves - we're often too lazy and too selfish to "just do it".

I can say all this not just from observing, but from personal experience. The most common excuses are that we're lazy, unsuited, or that eventually, someone else will do it. But that attitude is exactly the reason why all those shortcomings mentioned above occur. Many of us are guilty of thinking that "if I don't do it, someone else will!", and at times it is true because of the very few people that are genuinely initiating and engaging at church, school, etc. But these guys can only cover so much ground, because unfortunately, this sort of lazy thinking is infectious and all of the sudden, not only are you thinking that someone else will do it, but so is everyone else, ending up in this mess we're trying to solve in the first place.

From personal experience, there are a few common threads in the common inability to "just do it", the first being, simply, you don't want to do it. The answer to this is, even though it's cliche and I hate the acronym, WWJD? There's no better example of how to live than Christ. Every word and action were purposeful, punctual and productive. He manned up, suited up, (fill in the blank)ed up and did what He had to do, including nothing short of... I don't know, reconciling the sinful world to God and like, saving the world? But the question I think we all need to take from Christ and wrestle with is that if He, as God, "just did it" for lowly sinful bunches like us, then why can't/shouldn't we "just do it" for one another? Aren't we called to be the salt and light of the earth and also to sharpen one another as iron sharpens iron?

Another reason from experience why people don't "just do it" is because they think "what's the point of doing it if no one notices/acknowledges it" and "it's dirty work anyways". I wrote at length about this in a past blog post (around the middle) but suffice it to say, this was what I struggled with the most often. I struggled very much with doing things without recognition, especially doing menial tasks/manual labor that no one else wanted to do. But again, scripture brought clarity on this issue in Matthew 6:3-4 and 6, when Jesus talks about how to pray, fast, do charity, etc. Yes, not everyone at all times will be aware or even appreciative of the things we're doing but we should take heart that God in heaven sees, acknowledges and rewards us for these things, as mentioned in the referenced verse in Matthew 6.

Finally, the last common excuse is that we're too content and basically, lazy to "just do it". Overcontentment, especially when it's self-centered, leads to increasing blindspots and often, a hard fall back into reality/sin. I think we can all agree on that point. As for laziness, just see what scripture says about it in proverbs ALONE (Proverbs 13:4, 21:25, 19:15, etc).

The alarming trend is that in all these "reasons" for not just doing it - reaching out, taking initiative, taking risks, CONTENDING FOR THE GOSPEL, it all seems to go back to the realization that more often than not, we're too self-centered and just plain apathetic. We're too comfortable in our routines, cliques, etc and too stuck in our preconceptions and pride to "just do it". But we shouldn't be. The gospel isn't complicated, and in fact, it couldn't be any clearer than it already is. The truth is, we have no excuse for ourselves. We're playing around with living/contending/preaching the gospel like it's hot potato and we're just tossing it around hoping someone else will catch and run with it because we're too lazy/scared to. Things need to change.

miles davis and "THE COOL"

the greatest thing and yet, the worst thing, about this transition period in my life has been the free time. the main byproduct of having had so much free time is that it's allowed me to think and reflect on my past experiences. the recurring things i've been thinking about have been "the cool" (my euphemism for popularity), dating/relationship, and the "korean-american" experience as discussed here. unfortunately, there is a lot on my mind, so this will be a rather long post... so bear with me.

for me, popularity was such an issue and concern all the way through high school. it was in college when i finally grew up and kind of realized what really matters. and i feel like it's safe to say that many others did as well. i can't speak for others, but for me, i was able to rise above the materialistic/shallow notions of popularity i've been stifled by through high school by college. ultimately, i realized that the reason why i was so concerned all those years about how many friends and who my friends was because of lack of internal satisfaction. because of my bouts of inferiority complex, i would yearn to befriend the "cooler" people, because of my bouts of superiority complex, i would assume and take advantage of the "fodder" because i thought i was better than them. the roller coaster ups and downs that normally accompanied these experiences was because i strayed from personal comfort and satisfaction (in myself, in God, in family) and yearned for what i couldn't necessarily control (people's perceptions, etc). in college, i feel like i really learned how bigger life is and how little things like prepubescent notions of popularity matter in the big scope of things.

and yet, the unfortunate thing about this are my peers who have yet to critically assess, understand and act on this observation. from my experiences, i've observed and interacted with a variety of people, with their common theme being an inability to detach themselves from this mindless pursuit of "the cool". one of the "types" i've often seen are the ones with inferiority complexes with a glaring and constant need to "compensate" in their feelings of inadequacy by clinging and overemphasizing jobs, particular friends and other materialistic things. the two immediate consequences for these people are that 1) they make a VERY glaring distinction between the things they cling onto and the things they throw away and that 2) lost in all this overcompensation is God. not only is there idolatry in their clinging onto particular people, things, etc, but there is a genuine disruption of fellowship in making a distinction in who to associate themselves with. for me, i can clearly see that they're trying so hard, that there is some kind of void, but most importantly, the biggest concern is what these people are going to do when everyone and everything around them change and move on, but they're still stuck in this mentality. a particular example, whom i'll call Mr. X, fits the bill. Mr. X defined himself in what he wore, the jobs he had, and most importantly, the crowd he hung out with. if certain people were crowned the "it" people, you would be sure to find Mr. X there, clinging. and after a certain amount of time, they would move on to the next "it" group of people, and so on. and unfortunately, from talking to Mr. X and observing closely, he was similarly prone to roller coaster ups-and-downs in personal satisfaction and comfort, and every time i saw Mr. X, the most common thought/concern that i would think would be "I wonder if he's really happy".

on the other end of the spectrum, there are those with the superiority complexes. simply put, these are the types who are just arrogant, vain and baseless in their dispositions. though the major issue is that of lack of humility, this problem ends up having numerous ramifications. first off, with the lack of perspective on salvation, of God, these people wrongly and dangerously inflate themselves to something greater than what they need to remember that they, along with everyone else, are: sinful and wretched. another effect this has is that, like the "inferior" types, they tend to be selective in the people they hang out with, often concerning themselves with others not for genuine fellowship to sharpen one another, but often as just an extension and exercise in strengthening, nurturing and dwelling in their self-sense of superiority. ultimately and unfortunately, these guys often buy into their own hype, and this fact bleeds through.

for those who are close to me, you have probably witnessed me self-deprecating myself in regards to my forever-singlehood and almost-but-not-quite-there/yet experiences with girls numerous times. for context, take the time to watch mark driscoll's sermon on marriage & men here (caution: you might want to wear like 5 cups). i think i have been so accustomed to being envious of other couples, friends dating, etc, but listening to the M&M sermon and others in the past reminded me that we ultimately date to marry. so ironically, the fact that people have dated 10, 20, 50, 100+ times isn't something necessarily to be jealous about, nor is my 0 dating experience something to be ashamed about. furthermore, i've been prone to daydreaming about dating so-and-so, and doing this-and-that, but i've been realizing more and more (and the driscoll sermon has only cemented my thoughts) the gravity of relationships. it's not a light matter, much less something to casually daydream about. i think what has sobered me the most is what mark driscoll said about marriage and relationships, that it is truly fearful thing for a woman to commit her life and all to a man. and on the other side, dating, relationships and marriage is not a light matter when men realize that these aren't just females or girls, but these are daughters of God. period. and in connection to all this, manliness isn't a matter of how buff, how rich, how smelly or whatever one is, but manliness is about personal responsibility. it comes down to taking our burdens, getting some balls, and taking care of ourselves before we even think about marriage.

unfortunately, this thought process hasn't always been my mentality, especially during my days in KCM. and obviously, hindsight is 20-20, but it concerns me that there are probably many guys still in college and KCM, whose mindsets are probably like how mine was in that time. a pastor once joked that KCM stands for "Korean Chicks for Me", but knowing how I thought, how guys think, he wasn't too far off. on the one hand, it is kind of a good thing in that if you were to meet someone, it would ideally be someone from church or a campus ministry. but on the other hand, if meeting someone isn't just a part of the process but ultimately the reason why you come out, then something is wrong and priorities aren't straight. in light of the fact that KCM should be having their annual UR (University Retreat) in a matter of weeks, it's amusing, but at the same time, disconcerting to wonder how many guys are going primarily (or even minutely) because of meeting girls from other campuses. no one's going to probably say that out loud, but it is what is on the minds of many guys, because it was something that was on my mind in years past. if only i knew then what i know now.

in critiquing the korean-american experience (this includes our KA churches, KCMs, etc), it ultimately boils down to pride. pride in feeling superior and not wanting to let others in, and pride in not wanting to put themselves out there and face the possibility of rejection. through my experiences, i have become strongly convinced that we all are VERY aware of what we want to do versus what we should do. if jesus would DIE for associate with us, people of sin and diseases, etc, why shouldn't we do the same? when it matters, how reflective of the gospel is our lives?

in closing, it's funny, but it's not a total coincidence that the particular examples and experiences i've recalled have all occurred within the confines of kcm and church. not that i'm citing an exclusive correlation, but the fact that there is some sort of pattern is disconcerting. i think so often we're so comfortable with status quo and majority rules that we settle and become complacent. but when status quo and majority rules is fear, pride, and an unwillingness to try things and extend oneself for the Gospel, it is inexcusable. it means we are bathing in sin.