random musings..

*Warning: This is a pretty loooong entry, so be forewarned*

I've realized that throughout college, the most common comment I've received from others is "You're weird!", "You're so weird", etc, etc. I've come to realize that, indeed, I am very idiosyncratic and have particular "things" about myself that would lead people to make those comments. But more so than that, I've come to feel recently that I don't like that comment. I mean, first off, who wants to be called "weird"? After all, it's not a word that carries the most positive connotation.. people don't call others "weird" because they want to compliment them and honor them, but because something about that person gives them some sort of feeling of "what the heck? they're kind of...". I don't know why I am the way I am, but it is just the way I am. I guess that for me, if I were to act like everyone else, and engage in conversations normally, follow protocol like everyone else in different facets of life, I wouldn't feel like I was being true to myself.

Seriously though. When people tell me that I'm weird, am I supposed to say "why, thanks!" and take it as a compliment? How am I supposed to react? When people say these things, they leave me in an awkward position.. am I supposed to be grateful for that comment, or am I supposed to apologize for it? I don't know if they say it because they think it's funny that I'm weird, or they are put off by my behavior. I'll never know, and I don't care to investigate further. I guess the biggest thing for me is that I feel that when people say that to me, most of the time, it's them being condescending/patronizing about it.. like when they say it, whether they admit it or not, I feel that there is some deep/subconscious level of them elevating themselves above me when they say it. Like when they tell me "you're weird!", I feel like they're saying that "you're weird and you belong in this section of whatever, but since I'm normal, I can just make these comments and laugh on with my life".

Everyone has idiosyncrasies.. it's just a matter of whether you choose to live it out or not. Everyone is "weird" and "unique" in some respect.. it's the way God makes them. But yeah, another big thing that bothers me about when people make that comment is, I feel like people just see me as the "weird/funny" guy and dismiss any possibility of the rest of me. It's not that I'm bothered by what they're thinking of me, necessarily, but it bothers me that people can be close-minded and label people as certain things and not think about these people as wholes.. like for me, there is more of me and I feel that (and maybe, in the end, I'm just reading too much into things) with that single sentence, "you're weird", they're dismissing the rest of me.



Speaking of which, in "the rest of me", I think it clearly ties to an issue of recognition. All people, in some way, want their whole beings, achievements, whatever to be recognized. It's just who we are as people and who we are as prideful sinners. It can apply to anything that we do, but it applies especially to our spiritual lives. Prayer, fasting, reading of the word, evangelizing (bringing the lost to Christ), etc.. when we do these things, we want some form of external recognition for these things. I know I do. For me, the biggest reason why I struggle with this issue is that by people recognizing these achievements, etc, I feel that my status and reputation will be affirmed. When people see me praying, reading, or reaching out to people, they'll say "wow, that's great dedication, etc, etc, brian!" and I will feel that my status as a good Christian will be affirmed. When I do these things in secret or hidden from public venue, I will struggle with the question, "is anyone going to know what I'm doing at this moment?". For me, in my struggles, I struggle with the fact that I can do these things humbly and in secret, but if no one ever knows about it, people won't ever see me as anything other than that "weird/funny" guy, something which is the root of my problem with pride, recognition, etc. But then, I remembered a couple of books I've read in the past...

Back in sophomore year, for DT, we read The Spirit of the Disciplines by USC's own Dallas Willard. The main chunk in the middle of the book dealt with Willard listing out 10 or so disciplines, and organizing them under either "disciplines of engagement" or "disciplines of abstinence", the meaning of which are pretty obvious. Under his "disciplines of abstinence" was the discipline of secrecy. Here are just a few excerpts from that section of the book:

"In the discipline of secrecy [...] we abstain from causing our good deeds and qualities to be known. [...] To help us lose or tame the hunger for fame, justification, or just the mere attention of others, we will often need the help of grace. But as we practice this discipline, we learn to love to be unknown and even to accept misunderstanding without the loss of our peace, joy, or purpose"

"One of the greatest fallacies of our faith, and actually one of greatest acts of unbelief, is the thought that our spiritual acts and virtues need to be advertised to be known."

"Secrecy right practiced enables us to place our public relations department entirely in the hands of God, who lit our candles so we could be the light of the word, not so we could hide under a bushel (Matt. 5:14-16). We allow him to decide when our deeds will be known and when our light will be noticed."

"Secrecy at its best teaches love and humility before God and others. And that love and humility encourages us to see our associates in the best possible light, even to the point of our hoping they will do better and appear better than us."

Another book I read in the past, The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, addressed similar issues. He epically dedicates about half the book breaking down Jesus' sermon on the mount, and one of the sections based on Matthew 6, he organized as the section on "Of the Hidden Character of the Christian Life". Some of the excerpts:

"The better righteousness of the disciples must have a motive which lies beyond itself. Of course it has to be visible, but they must take care that it does not become visible simply for the sake of becoming visible."

"...the visiblity is never an end in itself; and if it becomes so we have lost sight of our primary aim, which is to follow Jesus."

"The first question to ask is: From whom are we to hide the visiblity of our discipleship? [...] We are to hide it from ourselves. [...] We must be unaware of our own righteousness, and see it only in so far as we look unto Jesus; then it will seem not extraordinary, but quite ordinary and natural."

"According to the word of Jesus it cannot be otherwise: the Christian is a light unto the world, not because of any quality of his own, but only because he follows Christ and looks solely to him."

"All that the follower of Jesus has to do is to make sure that his obedience, following and love are entirely spontaneous and unpremeditated. If you do good, you must not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, you must be quite unconscious of it. Otherwise you are simply displaying your own virtue, and not that which hsa its source in Jesus Christ. Christ's virtue, the virtue of discipleship, can only be accomplished so long as you are entirely unconscious of what you are doing. The genuine work of love is always a hidden work."

"If we want to know our own goodness or love, it has already ceased to be love."

"...if we become conscious of our hidden virtue, we are forging our own reward, instead of that which God had intended to give us in his own good time."

I guess to start another topic, this would be a good time to update you all on my missions status. Having had dinner with Pastor Dave, I came out of it understanding that my desire to go back out this summer needed a direction, a conviction, if you will. I think that I ultimately realized that I have short and long term goals that I feel would be accomplished by going back out this summer: the short term being that I would get to go on missions, the long term being that I would really get to analyze this time around, more so than my first, if missions is a real possibility for me in the future or long term. The fact is, I do want to go for God's glory, but I understand that it can't be directionless, but at this point, I do feel as though I know in which direction I want this summer to point me towards.

I actually started thinking about KCM missions back in December, and it was after much contemplation and prayer when I decided to tenatitvely tell my family of my possibly going back out again, which was beginning of the new year. After this past Chapel, right when I got back home, I told my dad that I was pretty sure/confirming that I would be going back out this summer. Now, it's not that he disagreed and opposed my going out, and in fact, he said he would support me, but that he was worried by me being youthful and so singularly focused, I could be missing out on other opportunities (securing a job, internship, building my resume, etc). Of course, with a language barrier, I totally misunderstood and took his opinions to mean that he was opposed completely, and there was some misdirected anger from my part. Point is, I realized that, more so than what he was saying, it was the fact that he was talking and worrying that made me realize the importance of going on missions this summer in a way that glorifies God AND honors my dad. Practically speaking, it shouldn't be that hard.. there are connections everywhere, I do have every month except one to look for a job/internship, etc. But most importantly, I do feel that shoud I go back out, God would definitely provide, and that in the long run, that one month will be better spent overseas rather than looking for a job that I'm going to quit in less than a year right before I go to law school. But yes.. prayer I desperately need.

Lastly, having talked to one of the STSM directors at Chapel (I won't mention his name just in case), it seems that 5 team leaders have been asked (still pending approval from steering core) and that the 5 countries which was tenatively listed are all confirmed at this point. The fact that these developments are already this far along, in addition to the country preferences being on the actual application this year, makes me think that teams would be announced earlier than it was in previous years. It also makes my first choice of Japan more of a sure thing, now that I don't have to worry about whether it will be available when all is said and done. But yeah, I feel like there is going to be a lot of trainees this summer, almost akin to STSM 2k6. A lot of familiar faces from past STSMs are going back out, as well as a lot of new faces. I really look forward to everything that God has planned for STSM 2k9, as these familiar feelings of excitement and anxiousness begin to bubble up inside of me.


Even though Valentine's Day is not for another couple of days, apparently Cupid couldn't hold back his arrows. In the past few weeks, many friends and acquaintances, mostly fellow seniors, have entered into relationships. I'm sure many of you know which people I'm referring to.. but yes, in the past few weeks, I've seen 4-5+ couples forming, all people that I've come to regard as close friends. It's funny that, right after I vowed to stop being obsessed with finding a girlfriend, that all this matchmaking should take place. But in honesty, I'm very happy for all of them. I don't see any of their relationships being formed "just because" or for shallow reasons, but rather being formed by a divine connection. It's just funny that many of these couples are seniors, and it makes me wonder whether this being our last year in college, etc, made them more antsy or anxious about finding someone. But yeah, as this has been occurring, it's just reminded me more of my bachelorhood, but at the same time, it's actually reaffirmed my stance of not forcing the issue in finding a significant other. While it seems like everyone else is pairing up and holding hands, I realize that, and God bless all of them, they're not me. I can only do what I can and leave it up to God, be happy for my fellow brothers and sisters who have found their "other", and just proceed with my life, not being entangled by any fits of jealousy or emo. haha.


If any of you read this entire entry.. congratulations. I'll give you a handshake or something.


- BH

nothing in particular..

so i finally got my new car this past saturday. a brand new black nissan sentra 2008. it's very comfortable and enjoyable, and although i'm a little disconcerted by the facts that cars don't even come with keys anymore, it makes everything easier and convenient i guess. but yeah, as for the ordeal, it took a while.. we got to the nissan dealership at around 1 pm and left around 4:30 pm or so. this venture mainly consisted of paperwork and waiting for my car to get serviced (car wash by hand and filling up on gas).

the strange thing is that i didn't really see anything that lent credence to the stereotype car salesman. the only time it did feel that way, as i recall, was when i was in the financing dude's office. if i had to describe it, i felt like i was in the principal's office to be disciplined.. it felt like i was being told my list of mistakes and citations, and that the only way out of them was to sign up for their "gap insurance" and "warranty". so it wasn't really the actual salesman but the financing people that reeked of that craftiness normally associated with the "salesman" archetype.

so yeah, i've enjoyed having my new car. when people get new toys or possessions, etc, we all like to play around with it in the beginning, especially if it's something like a car. the only downsides are the precautions i have to take, which are twofold: first, because it's a black car, i'll have to wash it often, and second, because it's a new car, i must be extra careful when parking/driving so that i won't carelessly get scratches, etc on it. in a way, when i had my old beat up camry, it was easier driving it around knowing that i didn't have to be so ginger/conservative driving it around, since it was already scratched up, etc.

school is pretty good. i don't think i've mentioned it before, but i'm taking two political science courses (European Thought II and Sex Power & Politics, both by the same professor) as well as a music class for fun (Hip Hop Music & Culture). the euro thought polisci class isn't too bad.. readings are, for the most part, interesting and engaging, though the time of the class (10 am) is a bit too early for my liking. as for my second polisci class, i don't know what it is about gender/sex studies or relations classes and girls, but the former sure attracts a lot of the latter. i think in my class of 50-60, there's probably only about 8-10 guys, at most. kind of feels like im walking into an amazonian forest everytime i go to class. last class is pretty interesting too, we basically learn about the history of hip hop and just trace the origins of DJing, sampling, lyrical content, etc. and get to listen to songs throughout hip hop's history. This is really great because I can actually discover old-school artists and check their stuff out like Kurtis Blow, Afrika Badfafndnanttee (i forgot the spelling), etc.

so, just to update.. working out and dieting are continuing on, and i'm slowly but surely regaining my wind as i work my way back up to my normal running routine. and though the results aren't as obvious as i make it out to be, one must remember that the first step towards becoming thin is mental -- thinking you're thinner. it actually helps.

as for my fast on thursday, all went well. surprisingly God was able to sustain me from whatever I had the day before and for the most part, I wasn't really hungry that day. Of course, the reason why I decided to fast was not because i wanted to abstain from food, but to really stretch myself and seek God (in prayer, in the word, etc) for refuge. I think it was a success on that front because my readings and prayers were very productive and managed to make my hunger subside and leave me in a content state of mind. another reason why i decided to fast was that thursdays are coincidentally kcm general meetings, and i thought that by fasting, pastor mike's sermons would be that much more savored and appreciated. and to that end, that is exactly how i reacted.. his sermon was a great reminder about how often we take grace for granted and exercise cheap grace rather than costly grace, which reminds me a lot about what i read from Bonhoeffer.

finally, tonight i just had dinner with pastor dave, mostly to get his thoughts on his experiences in china and india missions, as i'm deciding about where i want to go, as the deadline approaches. in short, i went into dinner tonight with japan/china and then uganda as my top choices, but afterwards, they changed to japan, uganda and china/india. another thing i picked up on was that, especially as a multi-timer on STSM, i really lacked direction in my convictions on going overseas. yes, i have desire and the right motivation, but it was this big ball of energy that really was directionless, and i think, especially as a returning trainee, God needs to really reveal to me why I'm going... so just when I thought my application was complete, I now need to re-read and change some answers.. it's a good thing the application isn't due for another month!


i'm getting tired, and i haven't even updated my other/lakers blog yet. anyways, thanks for reading and i hope you didn't feel like you wasted time haha.

- BH

the daily grind

so since the last update, not much has happened.. and you know, i think that's just life. sometimes i think we, as people, have a tendency to live life from miracle to miracle or that it's only worth telling when crazy stuff happens. i think there is a beauty in the daily grind, how you go to class, study, work, exercise.. too often we fall into a malaise in the midst of routine.. but i think we need to always remind ourselves of psalm 118:24 - "this is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it". the more we look back and regret past mistakes and look forward and worry about the future yet to come, the more each current day slips through our hands. even in something as trivial and redundant as everyday life, we can be fruitful.

lets see.. a couple of things to update on. last time i was talking about leaning towards going on KCM STSM 2K9, and at this point, I think it's pretty much a lock (still praying about it though). as of now, i've already begun to save up my own money as well as engaging in some informal fundraising via family and church. praying, reading and talking to friends, uganda teammates, etc has helped. but yeah. anyways, i don't know if i mentioned this in my last post, but i guess as of now, my top 3 choices (in order or pref) would be a tie between China and Japan, followed by Uganda. Nothing against India and Russia, but I just feel that God is leading me to either China/Japan or bringing me back to Uganda to show me more. I guess through contemplation, prayer and reading, I've come to realize that the main reason why I'm going out again is simply to celebrate God. And I think that things like spreading the gospel, sharing fellowship, praying and reading and everything naturally flows from that basic beginning point. but yeah, i've just finished my application, will probably double check it, and send it in in the following week or so.. and then will come the missions rally chapel feb 8, then deadline the first week of march, and then training. but yes, pray for me.

so in a shocking development, i've started dieting and working out again. just as context, i came into college weighing in at about 200 pounds.. keep in mind that i was about 5'7" at most, so i was as tall as i was wide. but freshmen year, i was surprisingly able to lose about 2 freshmen 15s (about 30 lbs or so) and got down to around 165-170 pounds. of course after i got down to that point, i ceased to exercise and through my sophomore and junior years, i gained about at least half the weight back. this past summer, i actually resumed working out and slimmed down about 10 lbs or so, but for the last 3 months or so, i think i gained it all back and weighed in recently at around 190 pounds. i don't think the problem is starting to work out, but rather (as many people can probably relate) it's keeping it off and working out even more. i think people plateau because they have a innate limit that they're used to succumbing to.. and when it comes to either pass that limit or fold, people usually do the latter. but yeah, as of this week i've resumed a low calorie diet consisting of slim fast and lean cuisine (i don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for myself haha) and a workout routine of running and 8 minute abs/buns/legs. i've always dieted or worked out with good results, but i've never done both at the same time.. but i'm hoping that doing both will get me even better results, but it will definitely take getting used to as i get tired (from not eating as much as i'm used to) and get really hungry. it's actually funny whenever i get hungry at late night or whatever, because that's when i usually do a little evening devotion in which i read 5 chapters of psalm and 1 chapter of proverbs, and the consistent thing i kept reading yesterday was about being filled by the Spirit and being content in God. so yeah. as for target weight or weight loss, i don't have one, but rather, i'm just going to keep going and hope for the best.

i guess the last thing to update on is my love life (or lack thereof). i've realized, painfully, that as much as i've thought i've really liked certain girls over the course of college, that underlying all of these "endeavors" was an unquenchable obsession with the concept of wanting a girlfriend. of course, the fact that i've been single my entire life doesn't help to simmer my "thirst", if you will. i thought about it, and it really saddened me to realize that so often, i would think about wanting a girlfriend as often, if not more, than i did about God. I guess in a way, this became my idol. But yeah, in conclusion, it's not that I'm deciding to become celibate and like totally ignore all members of the female race. Instead, I've realized that things don't happen at all or go the way you want things to go when you force them to happen. I'm just going to focus on what I can control (my personal walk, school, church, etc) and if I do meet and find a girlfriend, it will be in the flow of what God will do in my life, rather than as a result of my obsessive desire taking over.

something i've realized lately is the danger of complacency. it's true that life has been good for me lately.. i've been reading scripture, praying, and living life in general with great motivation. but then i came to realize, just yesterday, the dangers of drowning in this joy. that in the midst of this "contentness", it can lead to spiritual blind spots coming up and like totally tripping me up whenever. what really spurred on this realization was when i was reading my bible (i'm currently in the latter parts of matthew in the NT) and was reading matthew 25 and Jesus tells the disciples, "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" and later, "whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me". i realized that though things are going good for me personally, that these basic thoughts never even passed through my head once, because i was doing so good on my own. i realized that, maybe yes, i was doing good in a specific aspect of my walk, but more so than that, perhaps i was completely blind to the other aspects to which Jesus calls us to honor and live out. I am humbled by this.


- BH

Brushing the dirt off my shoulders (no relation to Jay-Z)

Wow, so it's been about 9-10 months since I last posted...
I guess in the course of living life, doing things, being busy, etc, I just never found the time to articulate the daily ups and downs of life, an exercise which has always been fruitful for me personally. Sometimes I wonder whether blogging is a therapeutic activity in itself or I just do it just because it passes the time. Maybe it doesn't matter?

Oh yeah, back to updating you all (however many that is) on my life.
This is currently my last semester of college, but whereas some would become emo with the end coming so soon, I just see it as a sign of big things happening. It's funny, in the next 3-4 months, I'll be graduating, getting a new car and getting a new phone (still deciding between the iPhone, Blackberry Bold and the Samsung Omnia). My classes are good; I'm taking two Poli-sci classes by the same Professor from whom I hope to get a recommendation letter, and my third/last class is hip hop music and culture.. so school wise I can't really complain. KCM is good and church is good as well.

I guess something I really want to share/celebrate about is I guess God finally answering my almost 2-year old prayer request in finally ending my prolonged bout with PMS (post-missions syndrome). After I came back from Uganda heading into my junior year, I just seemed to lose all that passion, energy and motivation that really characterized my sophomore year. I went from reading and praying daily to going through the motions for the last year and a half. But I don't know whether it's the fact that it's my last semester of college or because the new years freshness, but I feel all of that energy and motivation again. It's really manifested in all areas of my life. At home, I'm slowly, but surely learning to be a better brother/son and letting my relationship with my family be led by the spirit. At school, I go to class, take notes, study with really crazy attentiveness.. I actually enjoy studying and reading for my classes (granted one of my classes involves me listening to Dr. Dre's The Chronic for homework). I feel that my relationships with friends and people at school are improving that much more. I feel so much more intentional about being a small group leader, senior accountability leader, etc. Most importantly, I've found myself in 2009, reading and praying multiple times a day, like it's breakfast, lunch and dinner. I've recommitted myself to my old bible reading plan as well as picking up some C.S. Lewis on the side (The Weight of Glory that is). It really feels like sophomore year all over again, which leads into...

My desire/decision towards going out with KCM missions this summer, which would be my second time. The strange part is, I knew I wanted to most likely go out to missions this summer, but I always leaned towards going with church (55 to 45). Call it stupid if you will, but it's my gut instinct. I don't know whether it's the fact that my church's steady program will always be there even after college, or whether the new STSM directors have a completely different curriculum for STSM this year, but in the last two weeks, coinciding with I guess my recent revival, I've done a "about face". The one thing that makes me hesitant and still praying about is that I'm not going merely for "going for the experience".. I want to be sure that my heart is in it for God. I wish I could say it was through a crazy series of divine revelations and events that I now am leaning towards going with KCM. But it's not that crazy at all. I guess if anything, it's just a feeling of God, through my newfound joy/motivation, tugging me towards going out again. If anything, me going out this summer would be everything coming full circle. How the events are transpiring now are eerily (or divinely?) similar to my sophomore year, which was the first time I went out with KCM. That year, as this year, I've decided or leaned towards going out on STSM very early on. And just like two years ago, I've felt this undescribable joy/energy that's leading me towards something grand. But yeah. At the same time, I'm still praying because I know plans can change.. I've seen too much during college to not be ready for the unexpected.

What countries am I interested in, you ask? Well, I've always learned to take the STSM's announcements at UR with a chunk of salt. Just as reference, they listed Australia as a possbility at UR last year, but I can't help feel that this year is going to be huge. Huge in trainees, teams, leaders and most importantly countries. So far they've tentatively (highly subject to change) listed Japan, China, Russia, India and Uganda as possible destinations. I guess, as of right now, my top 3 choices (in order of preference) would be Japan, China, and Uganda.

But yeah, if you happen to be reading this for whatever reason (God bless you by the way, I don't think I would ever read this much for anyone), please pray for me that if I do go out, it'll be for the right reasons.

Whew.. I think that was a big enough update/post for now.. but yeah, I hope I can definitely post more often than I have before. Anyways, I've got church early in the morning and some deuces I gotta drop so I'll end things here for tonight.


- BH

a penny for my thoughts?

have you ever felt kinda tiny while everything around you becomes bigger and bigger and sucks you in?

me neither, but i think i'm on the verge of something tragic..

Facing Adversity.

I remember this walk. We had just finished our ministry in the mountain village and started our trek to the countryside where our bus was waiting for us. We actually didn't take the way we went up back down, but we took another (more circuitous) route down. As we traversed, it soon felt like we were in the rain forest, covered by all sorts of trees, bushes, plants and the like. I couldn't even count the number of times our Ugandan guides would tell us not to touch this or that plant because it was poisonous, etc.

As you can see from the picture, it wasn't exactly the prettiest of days, weather wise. In fact, it looks rather ominous with that black cloud hanging over the distance, an area we were headed straight towards. Sooner than later, as we were going through a rainforest-like part of the mountain, surrounded by canopy, it started pouring rain like no other. It was in fact, a matter of moments before the entire team was soaked from head to toe. Our clothes, bags, everything. Our dirt trail down the mountain, under all this canopy, became muddy, and coupled with the fact that we were all wearing cheap $15 starbury shoes, ankle sprains were just waiting to happen. Personally for myself, as I carried the stereo down the mountain, it made things especially difficult, and at one point, I almost slid off the side of a cliff.

So the conditions at this point were anything but a walk-in-the-park. People were getting tired, weary, soaked, cold and just groggy. In short, it was a sort of Moroto bus ride Part 2. After the hour or so of enduring this, we finally arrived at the bottom where the sun greeted us. Our arrival was, at best, bittersweet for most of us. Strangely enough, as I think about all the uncomfortable conditions, the process of actually hiking down, and finally getting to the bottom, I realize it really represents our lives.

In looking at where I am in life right now, I am where I was in the picture at the top. I am about to walk into the unknown, the cloudy, the ominous future. In the immediate future, I am walking into a week that will be stress filled with errands, meetings, midterms, essays, just stuff that will take up every day this week. In the long term future, I have to think about LSATs, law school, family, job, etc. The latter has, as of today, special significance for me. At work, a friend of mine, a senior, came in, someone whom I met in the early stages of my freshman days when I first started visiting KCM. He told me about senior year, how his had been filled with non-stop studying, out of state med school interviews and how senior year was really all about finding your future, your job and identity. He intimated to me that senior year is nothing like the other years in college, for the most part. Along with this, I remembered the experiences one of my professors shared in class regarding his grad school life. Immediately, I became distressed at the thought of how unprepared I am for this future. I find myself a little lacking in breath in the challenges, the scrutiny, the intensity of law school, with fellow students all competing and professors scrutinizing my every move. Then I realized this doesn't even take into account HOW I'm to get into law school in the first place, which is yet another challenge. After this year, my 3rd year, it's the beginning of the rest of my life. The last 20 years have been a blur, and all this is ahead of me, and I'm stuck not knowing what to do.

Fast forward to now, and as my future is still looming over me, I'm reengaged in my effort to get through this week. But writing in this blog and looking at the picture at the top reminded me precisely of God's sovereignty. Specifically, 2 Corinthians 1:3-6:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the suffering of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer."

Every day, we are walking into that ominous place we can't quite make out. Sure, we know we'll be at school, home, library, etc, but spiritually, Satan is there every second, trying to stumble us and the scary thing is, we don't even know when or where we sin. It happens and so often we're so unaware, much of it due to our own sinful nature.

In concluding my reflections, are we to look internally and be consumed by how these uncertainties and adversities challenge us? Or rather, are we to look externally and upwards to God, constantly wondering how to depend on him to challenge these adversities? I choose the latter. It's so hard, I know, when things are stressful, grim and uncertain, you don't know how things are going to pan out, or even if you do, you don't like your chances. As hard as it may be, our faith has to be more than flashing lights and sound, because without fruit, our faith is rendered as nothing more than empty rhetoric. We have to have faith in God alone that, HE alone will give us that strength and perseverance to glorify HIS name by making it through adversities. If we don't, it's guaranteed that satan will stumble us and grab a hold of us. Satan works in all sorts of ways, even as innocently as times when we forget to pray or do our QTs.

We have to remember that when we are stressed or uncertain what was said in 2 Corinthians above. Just as God gives us comfort for our advantage, so he throws our way adversity for our advantage in not only building perseverance and dependence on God's grace, but developing that "patient endurance" so we can lift up our friends, family and classmates. Things may look bleak from time to time, but God is supreme, end of story. Don't ever think that God is our of His league when you need help because He isn't. We are, that's why we need Him. Appeal to all the things He's done in the past and know that those miracles continue to this day, and much more are guaranteed. And don't worry about your shortcomings and sin, because those have been washed clean with Christ's blood. In closing, one of the things I was told in Uganda that I will never forget is this:

God doesn't ask for success;
He asks for faithfulness.

Amen.

Embracing Accusation.

So, here is attempt #2 at blogging. And the picture you see here is a group shot of my Uganda team from this past summer. This picture was taken in Moroto, right around the second week we were in Uganda.

Looking at this picture brings back so many memories of this summer. It's funny because I remember Pastor Daniel (aka Dubs) would tell us often that before we knew it, our missions trip would be over and seem like a hazy dream. I remember how often I laughed off his statement, and now I find myself in the library, in the middle of midterm season, tired and weary of school, work, etc. Nothing in my life shows any sort of semblance of my life in Uganda this past month.

It's actually funny that I stumbled on a picture of us in Moroto, because in more ways than not, Moroto was the make-or-break ministry.. I knew for a fact that it challenged all of us physically, and especially spiritually. The 12+ hour bus ride to Moroto was one of the most exhausting experiences of my life.. the heat, the crowdedness, the rocky road, the smell all exacerbated everyone's discomfort. It wasn't even that the bus was crowded, but for those of us sitting on the aisle seats, Ugandans started placing their limbs, animals, children and even themselves on my teammates knees, seats, etc. It was also at Moroto where we had challenging ministries. At one of the schools down the street, I think we performed just about every skit we had learned which resulted in about 1-2 hours of straight performing, which wasn't tiring physically but mentally/spiritually. Not only that, but we also had prison ministry at a local prison in Moroto. I can remember distinctly the uneasiness that crept in me as we arrived, I mean, I don't think anyone would be happy-go-lucky when visiting any prison.. just the thought of me emceeing the ministry in front of men who were behind bars scared me. And another highlight/challenge in Moroto was the village ministry. Pastor Dave mentioned a village up in Mt. Moroto which had first been exposed to the gospel message when he led a Uganda team there in the early 2000s. I think getting there was the difficult part; it required us to hike up Mt. Moroto for a good 30-45 minutes, which isn't bad, but considering I was out of shape and carrying stuff, I got pretty winded. I think it was frustrating in that whatever progress we seemed to make was little, if not nonexistent. I also thought that many of the villagers seemed to laugh us off and dismiss us some kind of a circus or something. After this was when things got even crazier. Since the way we hiked up was too dangerous to go back down through, we took a circuitous route through like deluge and a rainforest-like part of the mountain. That was when it started to pour rain, mud started sliding all over the place, people were slipping (I personally almost fell off the side of a cliff) and spraining ankles and whatnot.

The fact was, our week in Moroto illustrated and continues to serve to me as a microcosm of our lives. I distinctly remember everyone on the bus ride to Moroto asking themselves (as I did) the question, "Why?". Why were we on this bus ride? Why are we going to a place 14 hours away when we could be serving those back in Kampala (where our base was located)? Why are these people so (fill in the blank)? The same questions arose for many, I think, during the hike up and especially down Mt. Moroto. Then later that night, Pastor Dave briefly discussed about the cost of ministry. It wasn't our right to do what we thought we're to do, but rather, God gave us the privilege and opportunity to carry out His will in Uganda. And honestly, it was selfish of us to consider missions with a perspective compromised by our flesh. And all things considering, a 14 hour bus ride is NOTHING compared to being crucified for those who hated and despised you.

Personally, I had to come to grips with myself throughout that week in Moroto. I was asking myself if I was here for the right reasons, why these frustrations overwhelmed me, why I was stressing out, why this, why that, etc. Finishing that week in Moroto, I realized however difficult the planting of the seed may be, the fruit that it bears is infinitely greater. The bus ride, while humbling and frustrating, taught me to appreciate even more the cost that was required for me to even be on that bus (that is the cost of Christ's blood). The cost of ministry became all the more clear to me, as did the concept of costly grace. The first chapter in the book "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about costly grace, and the one statement that stood out to me to this day was this:

It is costly (costly grace) because it costs a man his life, and it is grace becasuse it gives a man the only true life.

As for the hike up/down the mountain, it just exposed how weak I was. But at the same time, I realized the beauty and power of God's creation. As difficult as those hikes may have been, Moroto had some of the most captivating sights and views that I have ever seen in my life. And simply put, how much greater is the creator than the creation? As for the village ministry and my frustration with progress and whatnot, I learned that when I started thinking about ministry in terms of wins/losses, tangible progress, what I did, then I'm taking salvation into my hands, a task which I will never be fit or worthy to undertake. That task is God's alone. So I learned that God works through me to do what He will, and I know that through the seeds planted in those villagers and all the people we met in Uganda, God will be glorified definitely. Because as man, I have no power and no sovereignty, but luckily, God does and that gives me complete assurance.

But yeah, I feel that Moroto is so representative of our lives today because we're faced with so many different challenges everyday. Jobs, families, school, grades, money, church, food, clothes.. the list goes on. Especially right now in the middle of midterms, Pastor Richard mentioned last week how in times like these the first thing to go is our time with God. I think Moroto really taught me that in times of stress and challenges, it's all about dependence on God. It's not that we all of the sudden decide to become superman and start working at full speed ahead doing everything perfectly. No, but rather, it's our dependence on the rock, on His grace, that allows us to react not by cowering, but standing and performing with strength. It's not "how can I change things and not get bogged by all these things in my life" but rather, "how can I ask/depend/pray to God for strength to do all these things excellently for His glory?". If you put things into perspective, college/grad school is only 4-8 years, we live 70-80 years, but God is forever.

But with that said, rhetoric is empty if there is no fruit that comes out of that.. everyday is a challenge in making my life a pure reflection of grace, but it's something I'm praying about. The devil is constantly around trying to break me down, but I know that in the end, it's Jesus, His blood that saves which leads me to Shane & Shane whose song "Embracing Accusation" I feel
describes this feeling so perfectly:

The Father of Lies coming to steal,
kill and destroy all my hopes of being good enough.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide."
He's right. Hallelujah, he's right!

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed.
That I am cursed and gone astray.
I cannot gain salvation. Embracing accusation.

Could the Father of Lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can't abide."
He's right. Hallelujah, he's right!

Oh, the devil's singing over me an age old song,
that I am cursed and gone astray.
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me,
He's forgotten the refrain: "Jesus Saves."

It's so true everything that the devil tries to tell us. We're sinners, our fate and punishment should be death, that we have led lives that are cursed, sinful and turned away from God. But despite that, despite our overwhelming shortcomings and sinful ways.. Jesus saves. Simply put, His blood covers our iniquities, and just like that we're saved. So profound, but so simple. This is what drives me, not only in life in general, but especially through school, classes and my studies. When I have this salvation, why wouldn't I be happy and strong? His grace is sufficient for me to succeed and I know that will be the one constant forever and ever.

In other news, small groups are starting this week. I still continue to feel inadequate and quite unsure of what I'm going to do this week, but I know everything will be done out of love for Christ. Please pray for me, that as the small group "leader" that I will lead by simply following Christ. Please pray for my boys that simply, their eyes and hearts may be led towards the path of the Godly rather than the path of the worldly.

Thanks guys (or guy depending on if anyone reads this at all).